The Story of the Parvani
by Bitten by a cow
Summary: Otherwise known as Insanity Vs. The Mary Sues. The evil Sues have gathered on the Brandywine...Insanity will beat the heck out of them! Kaden and Kiley, the Its, Hamlet, Crevan, the camels, everyone! BUAHAHAHAH! INSANITY THE WIN!
1. The Start of the Unions

INSANITY! The story finally comes! Yay! One chapter will be publish every four weeks, on the full moon! CHEESE!

Insanity Versus the Mary-Sues!

Chapter 1:

The Start of the Unions

"I hope that thee wouldst have fair and kindly deeds fall upon thou's head, mine friend!" cried someone.

"Meh," said the other.

"Silly, thou art, and your language decidedly needs working, but I shall come back for thee, mine friend!"

"Meh."

line

"This MUST stop!" screamed someone. It was a small baby with diapers. Err, diaper. Singular. "This is an atrocious beating on our own land! THEY deserve to DIE!" There was a cheer. The crowd of babies cheered. They stood (more like squatted) over a field. A field covered with cows. A fat lady slowly wobbled up. (hey, she's actually cool! Fat people are awesome! They don't need a house! They've already got one! Ehehehe! Just kidding.)

"Pooky, what are you doing?" she asked, petting one of her cows.

"Nothing whatsoever, madam! Just go about your atrocious beating duties, as will we," answered the not-ten-month-old diaperling.

"We?"

"My diapermen and I."

"I thought it was countrymen."

"It's diapermen." The lady shook her head, but went about her "atrocious beating duties".

"Thou art safe! Whenst I heardeth last, thou wast attacked by horrendous beings!" cried out someone.

"Yeah, but, me and my army of cows kicked them Sue's butts to smithereens," answered the lady.

"That is good news and great tidings that thou's quarry's buttox hast been beaten to smithereens, but the quarry of yours was only a small portion of the great quarry that is raging in this green land!"

"I know, Hamlet, but if you eat a piece of pie everyday, it'll eventually be gone."

"Except pies are tasty," interrupted Pooky.

"Vachel, you must prepare an army worthy of such a great cause as to defeat our quarry! We will need everyone we can to defeat these beasts!"

"I will assemble my cows, and order more, if need be," answered Vachel. (who was, in fact, the lady's name)

"Young Pooky, I ask that thee wouldst helpeth us in our dire time of need?" asked (yeah, you know who!) Hamlet.

"I suppose I could ask my diapermen if they would like to help beat Mary-Sues."

"Who wouldn't?" asked Vachel.

"Meet me and mine comrade at the _Green Dragon_ in one day with as many as you can spare. We must make haste!" Hamlet waved her hand over to the east. "Travel out of forests and woods of any sort, as those art hiding places for the wretched Sues. And be SURE never to go even within a hundreth miles of a hot bath! Is all that clear?"

"Very good."

"Okey." Hamlet smiled, and nodded them farewell, and skipped off to find armies.

line

"Okay, so, the diaperlings are in, and the cows are in, but we don't have a clue about the Men, Elves, or the Dwarves! They could be on the other side, for all we know."

"Calm down, Aidan, we needn't worry. We have HIM. There is no possible way to defeat him, and the Sues will use up all their power to consume him if we send him in first, and then we will strike. They will be so stripped of their power that they won't be able to even flick a finger at us.

"It's a fool-proof plan. He has no weakness to Sues, and he already has all the pleasures he actually wants, so there's no way to bribe him, and he's already married, and he's definitely not going to dirt on HER."

"Heck no he wouldn't! Just imagine the LECTURE..."

"What dost thou talkest about? He wouldst never desert me, not even for the most gorgeous woman to walk the planet! He vowed so to me."

"I know, Hamlet, that's why it's a fool-proof plan." The trio paused for a moment, musing over their plans, making sure there was no chink nor a hole that might be used against them.

"I must to say, thou's tongue has greatly improved from the "Meh" tongue since last I saw you, friend of mine."

"Meh." Hamlet laughed.

The other (known as Aidan) looked at the first (who was NOT Hamlet), and asked, "Didn't you say some of my kind were coming?"

"Yes. The four of them started out from Bywater yesterday, and by their speed, they'll probably be here tomorrow afternoon."

"Tomorrow!?" exclaimed Aidan. "It's a six hour journey-there and back! Are they so stupid that they can't even make it within a day!?"

"Apparently not." The first sighed. "They're a particularly slow group, but they're plenty insane enough to drive the Sues mad within a first glance."

"Well, that's a plus," Aidan said, trying to look at the bright side.

"Mine friends, we needstest more people!" Hamlet cried suddenly. The other two looked up quickly from their map.

"Why? The plan is fool-proof. We all just agreed on that," Aidan said.

"Nay! It is nay a fool-proof plan! I have found the chink in our armor, the hole in our mountain, the imprint in our cookie!" The other two just stared blankly. "He might be able to suck the power from SOME of the nasty beings, but I am but certain that not ALL of the beings will taketh the duty upon themselves to trance him!

"And when we got there, there would still be some hundreds of the beasts just waiting for us to show up, and they would immediately trance the babies with warm milk and green fluffy bears!" The reality dawned on them. Sues were annoying, but they weren't stupid enough to fall for just one diversion.

"We need more bait. Ask him if he has any relatives, or friends, and gather the camels, the Elves, anyone you know who could resist the temptation of the dreaded Sues. Then we attack. We will slice from all sides, starting with us from the north side of the Brandywine, and we'll have the Ents come in from the south-east, and the diaperlings and cows will come from the east, and then if we can find someone from the west..." the person (who is still not revealed yet) put his/her finger on his/her chin.

"Ol' Tom!" exclaimed Hamlet. "Tom Bombadil will help us! I know he will!"

"Good idea, Hamlet. We can send a few of the hobbits to go and ask for his aid, while I'm POSITIVE that Gondor will help us."

"Gondor? They shall fall easily to the spell of the Mary-Sues. They art cunning, and havest the means and mind to bribe and coax the men of Gondor into their spells. Men wouldst nay stand and fight for an hour ere the Sues should catch and make fools out of them." Aidan snorted. And coughed. And hacked!

"True, Hamlet, Men would disappoint us. But-" Aidan interrupted her.

"PSHH! Men!? It would be the Elves that would fall short of the…cliff. Or something."

"That's true…but I don't want just a few drunkards from _The Prancing Pony_! I want Gondor! I want Rohan! I want Men that would stand against the evil Sues! I want the Dunadain. I want...Aragorn."

line

A woman, very fair and very thin, cooed to anyone near she could snatch. "Oh, my dearest Legolas, come to me!" she called, and the foolish princeling was too stupid (and half-Stuish himself!) to resist.

"I would follow thee to the depths of Mordor if it pleased you, my love!" Yesh, Legolas sucks. And yesh, I meant to say yesh. Thrice.

line

"Milandu! Milandu!" came a scream from outside the tent. The trio of planners looked up.

"What?" asked the first (who to you is know known as Milandu.).

"Sues invade our eastern border! They have started in Rivendell, and I have word that a few of them found Legolas at _The Green Dragon_, and they were easily able to enSue him!" the scout shouted, and he raced in the door.

"Legolas always was a wimp..." mumbled Milandu. She coughed. "That is good. Elrond will defeat them easily. His Elf countrymen are not as weak as pathetic Legolas of Mirkwood. His Elves are intelligent, and they will counteract the Sues' evilness with their own Elf-glory."

"But, mine friend, dost thou forget that Bilbo the hobbit ist there? He could change the entire course of our battle, for ill or for good!"

"No, Hamlet, Bilbo has a strong will, and he would not let the Sues get to him. He has everything he wants: friends, family-though he might NOT want that-, he gets to stay in Rivendell, and he even has the opportunity to go to the Gray Havens! Who wouldn't want to be in his shoes?" Milandu shook her head. "If Bilbo made a difference in our war, it would be for good. The Sues wouldn't think to take an old man, and he would easily laugh at them and insult them, which can harm them as much as a sword-blow." They all thought about that for a minute. "No. Bilbo would make a turn for the better." The scout nodded, and ran out of the tent and off to tell others of this plan, but he quickly ran back.

"Milandu! They are coming! They are coming!"

"Be specific! "They" could mean ANYONE!"

"The Its are coming!"

"Thank goodness." Milandu exited the tent, her/his two friends behind her/him.

"So, those four are my kin?" asked Aidan, pointing to four figures who were playing a racing game to see who would get to the tent first.

"Yes they are. And-" he/she paused. "Aidan, do you have any powers?"

"Yeah. I'm an It! Of course I do!"

"What?"

"Um...I can make small earthquakes start under anyone I choose!"

"Show me." Aidan sighed, but looked for a person he could torment that would not kill him and that wasn't standing next to him. He found someone. It was one of his kin, the lead. (to us, it was known as-)

**BOOOM!**

Mizel went flying as the earth under him lurched quickly, and he landed head-first about three feet away from the trio of planners.

"Very nice." Milandu nodded, decidedly deciding that Aidan would be a deciding helpful decided person.

"Ow...my butt hurts..."

"Stop your whining, Mizel. It was just a perfectly placed geyser."

"It was MEAN!" Mal rolled her eyes at his "whining" and moved on. Tristan and Tayten followed close behind. If they were gonna get hit, they ALL would suffer the humiliation _together._ (happy luncheon with friends!) Mal suddenly stopped. Aidan was speechless.

"Oh, great, now It's can fall in love!?" shouted Mizel, who was pulling his legs out of the dirt. Hamlet smiled and started to clap, but Milandu slapped her. Aidan was staring at Mal, who was staring back at him. You could see the mischievous smile forming on her lips, and he seemed to be trying to figure her out. She cut the silence.

"Hi! I'm Mal," said she, and she abruptly stuck out her hand. He took it, and she grinned.

"Aidan." Tayten giggled.

"Mal's crushing!" she laughed. Mal rolled her eyes, and Aidan smiled.

"Can It's crush?" whispered Milandu to Hamlet. Hamlet merely shrugged.

A swift "AHAHA!" broke the silence.

"Oh, great, he decided to grace us with his presence..." Aidan mumbled. A giggling Elf appeared. He soon saw the four strangers, and quickly greeted them.

"I am Zayit, Elf of the WORLD!" he laughed hysterically, and fell down. Then suddenly they all noticed that he was wearing clothes made completely out of garland. All of a sudden, Milandu jerked his/her head up towards the sky.

"Get under cover." She/he re-adjusted her hood and stepped inside the tent. He/she beckoned to Hamlet, and Aidan.

"FELL BEASTS!" screamed Mal, who dashed under another tent. Mizel and Tayten and Tristan followed her.

Mizel asked, "Which are the fell beasts: the Sues, or the dragon-thingys?"

"Both." Mizel nodded, understanding finally deciding to nest on his frizzy hair. Meanwhile, inside the plan tent...

"I'm going." The other two just stared blankly.

"What?" asked Aidan.

"I'm going to the battle-line. Boxy and the Camels and Crevan and Kaden and Kiley will be going with me, and whoever else-" Hamlet quickly interrupted.

"I will! I want to be bait-" she was re-interrupted by Milandu.

"No, Hamlet. You need to meet the cows and diaperlings at _The Green Dragon_."

"Nay! I senteth out a person to meet them in mine place!" Hamlet exclaimed.

"Who?" Milandu asked.

"Legolas, about an hour ago!"

"Ooohh..." Milandu made a deep grumbling noise in his/her stomach. She banged his/her head against the desk. "Bad idea...bad idea...BAD IDEA!" He/she lurched his/her head up, and headbutted Hamlet. "REALLY BAD IDEA!"

"Why?" Hamlet asked, rubbing her head.

"Legolas is a fag; Legolas is a wimp! EVERYTHING! Argg, our entire future could depend on the **_bad _**idea..." She/he sighed. "Let's go."

_YAY! I know, I promised you guys this MONTHS ago, but now all the ideas are coming back to me! This is so easy to write! I've had so many ideas clogged up in my head (I can't honestly say my brain) and now they're all being unleashed into pieces that fit together into a story! YAY! Umm, for those of you who are waiting for _The Dead, The Dying, and the Very Tan_ updates (no one...), you are going to kill me. I'm not in the mood to write any anytime soon, soo...yeah. They aren't coming for a while. Okay. BYE!_


	2. Gathering of da Armies

Here's another cliffie. Yesh, that's what I'm calling them today. OH! Sorry I'm two days late! I was...preparing for painting my room! So, as a reward, I'll give you an EXTRA cliffie! YAY!

Chapter 2:

Gathering of da Armies

A scream came from outside the tent. They stepped outside. "FELL BEASTS!" it was the random scout. RANDOM! Milandu slapped Aidan all of a sudden.

"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his cheek.

"Nothing." She/he looked away. (alright, guys, I'll keep you out of suspense. (cough) Milandu is a _she_.) "Get the camels." She looked at Hamlet. "NOW!" Hamlet shook her head quickly and ran away to find them. "Duck." When Aidan did not heed her word(s), she pulled him down with her as she fell to the ground. A fell beast stooped down and attempted to snatch them, but it wasn't expecting them to tumble. It frantically flapped its wings, and suffered a misbalance (YESH THAT'S A WORD!!!) as it was bitten by three camels in the wings. They had long, silver helms that covered their entire muzzles. Their backs were mounted with _mithril _;) saddles, and their legs had metal leggings.

"Well, Hamlet, you went fairly quickly for one so..." Milandu stopped. "Intelligent!" she grinned! Crevan laughed.

"Well, we have to go soon! The Sues are marching!" she said.

"I can see that." She looked a few feet away, where a fell beast-who had been enSued and had been ridden by a Sue-was lying, and it turned to them. Hamlet and Milandu suddenly recognized it.

"SPARKY!"

"We have to go. Fast," said the fell beast. They all nodded.

"OVER HERE, GUYS!" Aidan called. The four other Its raced out of the tent, and grinned.

"Sweet awesomeness!" Mal yelled. She ran and leaped onto Sparky. The others giggled and followed her. Aidan decided to decidedly (no more of that! (slaps self) OUCH! That hurt, you scoundrel! (slaps self back) FIEND! (gets into slapping fight with self)) join them. Milandu and Hamlet laughed (AHA!), and jumped aboard two of the camels.

Crevan was already seated on Behrooz, and she whispered to him, "Let's go!" and he raced off, followed by the other three. Hamlet pulled out her Olde Englishe sword.

"TO WAR!" she cried. The others followed in her war cry. And Sparky burped a horrendously _long _burp.

"BUUUURRRPP!" And then they cried, "TO WAR!" Aidan pulled out a horn and blew it with all his strength. It rang clear, and its voice flew across the fields. Sparky flew high, to give a great view of the Shire. The Its all peered over the plain, and saw a great company marching from the west.

"The diaperlings and cows are coming!" Aidan shouted from his perch on Sparky's neck.

"Good!" Hamlet shouted back. They were racing. They were racing...to _battle_.

* * *

The cows and diaperlings marched towards Hobbiton. "So, we're going to meet Hamlet and whoever her buddy is, and then we're a gonna go beat more Sueeeees!" Vachel said. _Dun...dun...dun!!!_

* * *

They were close to Bywater now, riding with all speed. Milandu suddenly gasped.

"AHHHH!" she screamed.

"What?" Crevan asked, and she halted. (actually, Behrooz halted, but-(cough)) The others did too. Sparky dove down and landed.

"What's wrong?" Milandu was wrenching Hamlet's neck off.

"WE JUST GOT WORD A HALF HOUR AGO THAT LEGOLAS WAS ENSUED! ARRHHHGGG!" She thunked her head on Keanu's helmet. AND NOW FOR YOUR DOOM! Oops...that wasn't supposed to be there...

"Crap." Crevan winced.

"We can do it, it's easy!" said Aidan.

"But we need you five to be bait! And Sparky wouldn't stand a chance against thousands of mad driving cows," Milandu reminded him. Sparky cowered.

"I will go!" Behrooz exclaimed. He reared up, and he and Crevan looked dashing together in the red sunset, with a pose that reminded one of...heroicism! They dashed off before Milandu had the chance to say yes. She shook her head, and sped off again. Her dark cloak covered the wondrous _mithril _;), for a moment unblinding her from the bright rays that shone off the rare stone. After the _mithril _shirt had been recovered by the Eagles, Frodo had brought it with him to the Shire. He had given it to Crevan as a reward for...being a camel-herder? Erm...

Anyway, Ryu and-WAIT A MINUTE! THIS IS NOT RIGHT! RYU IS SUPPOSED TO BE PREGNANT! AHH! Oh, right! We (meaning...HAMLET! Of COURSE! It is ALWAYS Hamlet's fault!) forgot to show you! Ryu had her baby! Hehehe! We'll show you a quick clip from her first months teaching her child basic training:

* * *

"FIRE! FIRE! CRAP! MOM!" Ryu groaned, but hopped down the steps to see what was wrong THIS time. She immediately became very afraid for her house. "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THE FLIPPIN' BROWNIES BURNED AND STARTED ON FIRE! AHH!" The little camel ran about, trying to figure out what to do.

"CALL 911!" screeched Ryu.

"I DON'T KNOW THE NUMBER!" cried her little cameling.

Okay. We're done. You get the picture.

* * *

They all were riding, when Hamlet stopped. "I want to go to fetch the Ents!" Aidan shook his head.

"Sorry, Hamlet, but that job needs intelligence, which you do not possess!" Milandu stifled a snicker, but kept going. Hamlet looked downhearted, but continued in spite of her slight sadness.

* * *

"Oh, my Legolas! Won't you come to me so that you and I might have red hot sweaty-" she was cut off by a perfect arrow. Crevan sped by, bow in hand. She slapped Legolas' greasy face, and sped off. She quickly made it to _The Green Dragon_, where the cows and diaperlings were waiting.

"I am here in Hamlet's place! We have to get to the Brandywine!" she shouted. Vachel and Pooky and another lady looked towards her.

"How do we know you're Hamlet's replacement?" Pooky asked.

"Hamlet isith noteth hereth, so thous wilst not heareth herth speecheth," said Crevan. The other three nodded. She was Hamlet's replacement. Suddenly, Miss Mary-Sue came behind and grabbed at Behrooz, who kicked her in the face. She landed into the other lady's leg.

"AHH! BERTHA! MARY-SUE ATTACKING!" cried Vachel to her friend. Bertha smacked the Mary-Sue, who was trying to use some sort of magic. Sue suddenly cried.

"CRAP! I used the wrong magic trick!" Suddenly, Bertha was where the Sue had been, and Sue was where Bertha had been. "AHH! Hideous body!" She looked down at her potbelly, and screamed, "LEGOLAS!" Bertha was flinching at the terribly anorexicness and whiteness of Sue's body that was now made into Bertha's prison.

"Blehh...no muscularness!" Bertha grumbled, and she tried flexing. Unfortunately, the only things that flexed were her nasty huge breasts. "AHHHH! GET ME CLOTHING!" she screamed, suddenly realizing that the Sue had been wearing little more than a loin cloth. (No worries, there was a breast-cloth too, ehhehe!) She quickly grabbed at a quilt that had been packaged (?) on Behrooz.

He flinched. "Take it!" he cried, trying not to be touched by the nasty huge breasts. At the same time, Sue suddenly realized that she was actually wearing clothes! During the commotion, she escaped (out the back door, of course!) and found Legolas outside.

"Legolas-" she choked. She suddenly felt the arrow that Crevan had implanted upon her five minutes before. She made a terrible face. "TAKE IT!" she screamed, pointing at her clothings. He shook his head.

"You are much too dumb." And with that, he went off in search of Rhesus monkeys.

"Why is there a big hole on your neck?" asked Pooky. Bertha attempted to look at her neck, but it was no use. Her breasts were much too much in the way.

"We have to get you help to switch your bodies back," said Behrooz. Crevan nodded.

"We've delayed too long. We have to get to the Brandywine, with or without your..." she paused midsentence, looking at Bertha, "Sue body." Bertha tied the quilt on, and sighed.

"Nastiness..."

"Well, I'm all ready! My cows and I have been waiting!" said Vachel, gesturing out the window, where all the cows were, with the diaperlings seated on them.

"We are ready, too," added Pooky.

"I suppose I could try." Bertha sighed. "I'll be right back." She snuck outside, and, seeing Sue, grabbed a nearby bucket. She quickly smashed the Sue over the head with it. It had been filled with dirty fish tank (what!?) water, and...the contents spilled all over Sue. Bertha grabbed her, as she was now unconscious, and dragged her back into _The Green Dragon_. "Okay! I'm ready to go!" Everyone stared.

"You don't think I'M going to carry that wench, do you?" Behrooz asked. Bertha shook her head.

"No, my cows will do it." The cows outside all shook their heads.

"Tie her up," Crevan commanded. Bertha stared. Crevan gestured with her head towards the door. "Tie her up to a tree or something! We can't leave her loose!" Suddenly, Vachel's face turned very serious.

"No." She locked eyes with Sue. "She must be removed, so she won't somehow entrap any of the citizens here," Vachel said, almost with happiness.

"I am not an executioner," Pooky shook his head.

"And if we kill her, there is almost no chance of me getting my REAL body back." Bertha shook her head. "BUAHAHAHA!"

* * *

Sue was tied, upside down, to a thick branch of a tree in the middle of the forest, gagged. A squirrel stopped by, and giggled. It gave her a few "presents". Sue pretended to cry, but...failed. Squirrels started ganging up on her, and giving her LOTS of "presents". Fortunately, she was tortured to the end of her short days.

* * *

The company raced towards the Brandywine. "Hamlet, where is he?"

"He ist waiting for us with the hobbits, at theireth abode called 'Buckland'."

"So, basically, he's waiting for us with Merry and Pippin?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

OOH! OOOH! Okay, so, yes, I (cough) Hamlet said that we (cough) she was done talking about Ryu and Willow (that's Ryu's baby, by the way), but we (cough) she lied. Here's a quick picture of what Ryu teaches young Willow in home-making: (in Camel that means cooking)

* * *

"How do we make dessert, Willow?" Ryu asked, as she was so very proud of her young cameling.

"We just add sugar!"

"Good show!"

* * *

The trio sped across the Shire, and after three hours, (no, we won't be Tolkien and describe every minute of the story) made it to the Buckland Gate. Merry and Pippin were waiting for them. The gate-dude, however, wasn't especially eager to let them in.

"Erm, you guys don't looks like hobbits..." he muttered rather loudly.

"We ain't," Mizel blurted. All of a sudden, the gate-dude and Merry and Pippin noticed Sparky.

"Holy cow! Merry, is that a fell beast?!" asked Pippin, with his awesome Irishy accent.

"I think so, Pippin. Pretty frickin' cool, don't you think?" (okay, un-Merry-like, but still awesome!)

"Thou wouldst havest good tidings upon thine head if thee wouldst open up the gate, keeper of the gate!" Hamlet commanded.

"Err...are these people friends of yours?" the gate keeper asked Merry and Pippin. The gate-keeper didn't seem too bothered by Sparky. Because..."I have MAD COWS if they are NOT!" He lifted a fist to Sparky. Sparky cowered.

"Mewehhh! Not the mad cows!" whimpered Sparky.

"Actually, I don't, but...hey, that's nifty that I got a FELL BEAST to whimper! Hehe!" Sparky suddenly growled and grew angry to have fallen cowardly to a dumb threat. "Wait...I DO have a mad cow, at my grandma's house!' Sparky cowered again.

"Yes, we know them. We've been expecting them, actually." Merry looked around. "Wasn't there a third camel, and another human...the one who Frodo gave the _mithril _;) shirt to?"

"Yeah. She's gathering more armies," explained Aidan.

"And she'll be here soon," continued Tristan.

"Because dumpy Legolas is too dumb," added Mal.

"And he got enSued," Mizel shook his head.

"And I eat fried chicken!" Tayten exclaimed.

"I see," said gate-keeper.

"So," said Milandu, who slipped past the others, "you can be a really nice hobbit for us," she continued, her voice growing louder, "and wait for her and the anti-Sue armies," she hopped off Keanu, and she passed through the wall, "or ANSWER TO US!" She was now inside the gate. The gate-keeper-and Merry and Pippin-were astounded, and didn't respond.

"How did she do that?" whispered Mizel to Mal, who just shook her head. Milandu snickered.

"You don't catch on very quick, do you? Ah, well, not everyone has intellectual qualities...but anyway, I'd be most appreciative if you would be so kind as to OPEN the GATE!" she ordered, towering above the short guy. (pshh, Milandu's short too. MAYBE she's a foot taller, but no more than that, hehehe...) When he just stood there, dumbfounded, she rolled her eyes and grabbed his keys, and unlocked the gate. "Please open the gate for Crevan the Camel-lover." She gave him back his keys, and the others came through the gate.

"Off we go!" Pippin cried, and tried to run, but was unsuccessful in keeping up, so Sparky gave him and Merry a lift, even though he had five other (retarded) beings on board.

* * *

Meanwhile, an army of diaperlings and cows galloped across the plains, led by one camel and his keeper.

;) Yes, I know _mithril_ is terribly expensive, but...but but! I can't give up the _mithril _for the camels! Ehhh! (slaps all readers) AHAHAHA! I- (quickly dodges dozens of slaps from reader(s)) AHHH! -win.

Okay, honestly, in MY mind, Crevan gets the _mithril _at McDonalds! Yay! Err, she has so many free hamburgers that she is able to TRANSFORM THEM INTO _MITHRIL_!! 'CAUSE THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE!

_Yes, yes, Hamlet's husband will be showed in due time..._


	3. Many Mishaps in Buckland

Okey! Yay happy! Yes, Milandu's true identity will be shown sometime, I suppose. Or NOT! BUAHAHAHA!

Chapter 3:

Many Mishaps in Buckland

The five Its all shared a bed at the inn they were staying at. It (the inn, dufus!), unfortunately, did not have a name, as it had been just built after the Shire-war. Mal slept peacefully, mumbling every so often about French toast or armed peas...

She rolled over, onto Aidan's face. He was already ticked enough that he had to share with FOUR other messed up beings. He poked her stomach. She jumped, but was apparently still sleeping. He snickered. He poked her again. She only mumbled and chewed something (?). This was FUN! He poked her again, but her patience wore out. She slapped him, for the second time that day for him, unfortunately. He grumbled, and pushed her off the bed. She woke up. "Oh crap."

"YEARRGGG!" She pounced upon him like an angry hippopotamus. Or something.

The other Its were roused, and, seeing the chance for a pillow/beating/horrid whipping fights, Mizel shouted, "PILE UP!" and leaped onto the two angered beast-Its. Tristan tried to calm things down, but he only got pulled into the evil wrestling game. Tayten giggled and dove into the punching pile. Crevan was watching nearby whilst snickering. Milandu stumbled into the room, awakened by the racket, and holding a lantern.

"What the heck?" she mumbled sleepily, and she kinda swayed. Then she noticed Crevan. "Hey! You made it!"

Crevan looked up. "Yeah! This is really making me happy," she said, giggling at the five Its about to rip bricks out of the wall.

"I see," muttered Milandu.

* * *

In the courtyard, they met. She rushed to lift him from the ground. He waved. Joy and reuniting happiness filled the yard.

"Boxy!" cried she. He waved again. "I know thou loveth me! Thanketh thee so much, mine grande husband of valour! I wishedth thee a great battle, but now it may be that thou and I might be battling together on the river of Brandywine!" Love was in the air. The grand(e) cows mooing in the background, the sound of trickling (eww) water streaming through their ears, and the smell of fresh trees growing in the moonlight tickling their noses. The lighting of the stars only made their reuniting more romantical. Okay. No more of this fluffy crap.

* * *

"Wow."

"Uhuh."

"Wow."

"Uhuh."

"Really, wow."

"I KNOW!" Crevan and Milandu were pondering how the heck Hamlet and Boxy got together, while at the same time watching the Its try to stay conscious while throwing bricks at each other.

"Do you think the inn-keeper will mind that the Its were tearing up his wall?" asked Milandu.

"Nah," answered Crevan, "This is a fight worth the bricks." The wall started to shake. "...maybe not..."

* * *

The next morning, after everyone had evacuated the inn, they were eating breakfast. Mal, Aidan, and Mizel were cleaning up the rubble and attempting to put it back together.

"Does it go this way?" Mizel asked.

"No, idiot! You put the BRICKS down first, not the wood!" Mal instructed. Tayten and Tristan were off the hook only because Tristan was suffering from a concussion, and Tayten wasn't trusted. Tristan could heal MINOR wounds, but...yeah.

Anyways, Vachel, Crevan, and Bertha were talking about how to switch Bertha's body back. Milandu sat down at the table, and decided to (I'm not even gonna do it at ALL this time! Aren't you proud?) butt in on the conversation.

"Really, we could just beat the Sue until she changes you both back!" Vachel was saying.

"But she seemed like she wasn't able to for some reason. Don't you think she wants her body-" Vachel and Crevan snorted. "-back?" Bertha asked.

"I was wondering why you looked rather...Suish," Milandu said. Crevan turned to her.

"Do you think you could do it?" she asked.

"Do what?"

"Change Bertha's body back!"

"Why on earth would you think I could do that?" asked Milandu, almost with a grin. Crevan rolled her eyes. "Gut her." That brought stares from all three.

"Gut her!?" shrieked Vachel.

"Yeah!"

"We already took care of Sue, if that's what you're going for," Bertha smiled. Milandu mused on that for a moment.

"Okey-dokey." She stood up, and shut her eyes. "What is that frickin' magic chant thing..." she muttered. "Ah! Of course!" She cleared her throat. "Una...cerveza...por...FAVOR!" A freakish rage suddenly spouted on Tristan.

"YOU GUYS GAVE ME A CONCUSSION! I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!" He started throttling Mal, who was so stunned to be screeched at and throttled by Tristan that she started laughing. Until he wrenched her neck so hard that she fell unconscious.

"I don't think that was the right spell..." whispered Crevan. Milandu sighed. She stepped over to Tristan and mashed him on the head.

"Wow. I didn't know THAT'S what happens when you don't say right magic chant words, hehe!" The other three glared at her. "Anyways...(cough) maybe THIS one is right!"

"Yeah, right, this one'll turn you into a monkey," whispered Vachel to Bertha.

"That's what she looks like now already!" snorted Crevan.

"En...un...mono...CALVO!" There was a grand(e) pooping (cough) popping noise. Bertha was herself again! Everyone clapped. ;)

"Good show!" Bertha grinned. And then...Tristan woke up.

A few hours later, Milandu was pondering something in her room. Crevan walked in. "Why is there a piece of cardboard in here?" asked Milandu.

"IT'S SPECIAL!" screeched Crevan.

"Why is there duct tape on the cardboard?"

"IT'S MORE SPECIAL!"

"Why is the cardboard with duct tape on it on my vent?"

"IT'S...MAGICAL!" Crevan swooned, glowing at the cardboard.

"Won't Boxy be offended?" Ooch. She hit a nerve. Crevan glared her down with such a glare that the intensity of its glare cannot be mentioned in this story. Yeah.

"NEVER!" And she walked away.

After THAT magical incident...

Aragorn (yesh yesh, he made it safe) was talking to Milandu. Merry and Pippin were eating foods nearby (what else is new). Then, a strange elf-looking person came up and dumped Aragorn off his chair.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOTIC ORC-LOVING BEAST!" At that, Milandu cracked up. Elrond (yesh, HE made it safe too) also appeared.

"NOT THE ORC-LOVING BEAST! I THOUGHT WE KILLED IT!" He mashed Aragorn on the head with his stick, thinking he was the "orc-loving beast". "Oh, sorry, Aragorn, I thought you were a...an UNSPEAKABLE BEAST! Anyways, on this fine day of tuilë-" He was cut off.

"Arg! It's tuilérë! How many times must I tell you, Elrond!? Today is the day of tuilérë! IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A FRICKIN' YEAR!" Aragorn burst out. He was cut off.

"It's the first of Astron," Merry contradicted.

"Merry's right, sorry, Aragorn!" Pippin chimed in.

"I believe you are mistaken, my friends! It is the single day tuilérë!" Frodo walked in.

"IT'S THE FIRST OF ASTRON!" cried the little Shire-person. Milandu tried to settle them down, but everyone started screaming.

"It's ASTRON!" cried the three Shire-folk.

"TUILË!"

"TUILÉRË!" Milandu was about to go hide in a corner, when Hamlet walked in.

"Fools! This beeth the first day of April! That, in translation, means it is APRIL FOOLS DAY! Hip hip hooray!" The hobbits didn't understand her happiness, but they knew a chance to party when they saw it.

"PARTY!"

* * *

Crevan was preparing the camels for the trip. Mal stood by, watching. "A camel's butt is prettier than Will," she said, staring as Keanu's flanks boasted in the grande (like the Rio Grande) wind.

"No. A camel's butt is GORGUMOUNDUS compared to Will! They're like frost on a winter's glistening morning compared to a rotting bean sprout with a mullet!" Crevan cried. Mal suddenly screamed.

"STOP MOVING DANG YOU!" She stomped on some nearby bugs. Yeah, Mal is weird. Oh, right, we never showed you the elf-person! Of course, because we wants to show him to you, he suddenly appeared. Crevan was happy.

"Hey, Zayit! How's it going?" The elf grinned. Mal looked closely. Did he have...garland in his ears!? Zayit the Elfish turned to her. Instead of saying anything, he looped a garland necklace around her neck. She raised her eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

Crevan answered, "He loves garland! He's giving you a present! BE THANKFUL, FREAK!" Zayit grinned. Mal cried. And something happened. Wanna know WHAT? Mal was breathing. Wow. How exciting. Don't you wish this was more exciting. Okay. "I'm almost ready for us to go!" At that very moment, Hamlet, who was holding Boxy tenderly, stepped out into the yard. Crevan cried tears of happiness, while Behrooz handed her a tissue."WAHHHHAHAHAHHHH..." Crevan finally melted after so much TORMENT from...I don't know.

Alrighty. In the meantime, Tristan was still suffering from a concussion. Elrond was watching him in his sleep. Merry and Pippin stepped in.

"So, what's wrong with him?" asked Pippin.

"He has a concussion."

"OH! Right." There was a deep and utter silence. "What's a concussion?"

"It's when your brain explodes," answered Milandu, who was on a chair nearby musing over the current events. Elrond rolled his eyes.

"Something like that," he said.

"That's depressing," muttered Merry.

"That it is, Merry! Life is DEPRESSING! GET OVER IT!" Milandu screamed. "We must go."

"What?"

"WE MUST GO!"

"But...Tristan has a concussion!"

"He is FIXED!" Elrond exclaimed, and Tristan popped up.

"WHERE'S TAYTEN?" Tristan cried.

"Right here!" She grinned as she came running down from...wherever the heck she was. And...the Eagle (he wishes to remain anonymous)(or maybe I can't spell his name) came.

"Hey, Elrond! Just wanted to say hi!" Tayten glowed as the Eagle (anonymous) said words. Tristan saw her glow. She jumped, and, though the Eagle was still hovering, she flew onto his back, and giggled.

"PET!" The Eagle was angrified.

"GET OFF MY BACK!" He lashed up and down, but, unfortunately for him, she had a strong grip. (?) Or, perhaps all the mechanical bull rides had finally paid off. And...she was able to stay on, and he got even more angrified. "I WILL BEAT YOU! I WILL BEAT YOU!" And he almost flung her off, but...Tristan was right there, and he just kinda got smacked while Tayten was able to hold on again.

"Calm down! You will be my pet!" The Eagle dove for the wall, attempting to fling her off. She leaped off, and hovered, preparing to complete her evil beast-madness-driving plan. He suddenly laughed, and did a victory dance. Unfortunately, he forgot to put on the brakes. And he hit the wall, as Tayten deviously had planned. She flew aboard him again, but he was unable to pull his beak out of the wall. The Eagle (okay, I'll try his name...), Landroval, was finally starting to just be calmer, but yet, he could not give up his lifelong FREEDOM! Being one of the greatest of Eagles, it kinda made him look stupid to be unable to beat some foolish It that didn't even know her own name half the time.

"And the dog ate her to pieces!" shouted Mal, who had just stepped into the room. Tristan shook his head from his place on the floor. Elrond and Milandu were speechless, very confused about how the heck Tayten had managed to break the Eagle. Merry and Pippin had left during the commotion and were (yesh, yesh, you already know...) eating in the kitchen.

"We have to LEAVE!" cried Milandu (who was no longer speechless). Everyone else turned to see her.

"After we pack our lunch bag!" yelled Merry from the kitchen.

"And our brunch bag!" added Pippin.

"And our elevensies bag!"

"And the tea bag!"

"And the supper bag!"

"Dinner bag!"

"Okay! WE GET THE PICTURE!" SCREAMED MILANDU!

;) You were expecting a long wait for Bertha, weren't you, heheheh? Okay. It's not funny.

_Erm, I think I'm translating these books right, but if I'm totally screwing up, sorry, but PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME! I TRIED TO MAKE THE CALENDARS RIGHT! I DUNNO! I SURRENDER! _


	4. Finally Out of Buckland

Okey! So...yeah. Chapter. OOOH! Since it's almost my birthday, I'll give you guys 2 and a half cliffies! YAY!

Chapter 4:

Finally Out of Buckland

So, after a long wait for the hobbits to take all the food they could stuff in the bags, the twelve hundredsome set out from Buckland. Crevan and Behrooz were in the lead, galloping like a majestic wind across the far plains. They were running alongside the Brandywine, and they were following it south to the Mary-Sue camp. Hamlet and Milandu rode close together, deviously planning horrendous April Fools Day plans.

"So, mine dearest friend, what sort of devious horrendous April Fools Day plans can we come up with?" Milandu snickered, and Keanu and Ryu grinned at each other. _Dun dun duuuunnn..._

After a few hours of devious planning, they all took a break at six for supper, because Sparky was getting hungry, and many of the hobbits were beginning to get scared from his much drooling, and staring at them hungrily.

While chewing, Aidan asked, "Hey, Hamlet, who did you send for Tom Bombadil? The hobbits never ended up going, so who went?" Hamlet turned to him, but Ryu answered before her.

"Willow," she replied.

"Really? Your kid? The one who-"

"Yes, don't remind me...it was an accident, and Tom's house was easily fixed. But, who knows, they might be on their way right now..."

* * *

"AHH! You get that outta there before you burn the house down again!" 

"But I have a bowl of ice cream..." Tom watched as Willow ate away the ice cream. He was very shocked. He ran over to Willow.

"Oops, I hit you with my cane."

* * *

"My butt hurts from sitting all day." 

"Shut up, Mizel. You're so whiny."

"You know, you have absolutely no place to say that, Miss Adelle!"

"Watch it, fat boy!"

"Who you callin' fat, queen of McDonalds!?"

"Shut up, you stooge! McDonalds is great! AND I GET A DISCOUNT THANKS TO CREVAN!"

"SO!? AT LEAST I'M NOT FAT!"

"At least I'm not stupid."

"...I hate you."

"I hate you more."

"I hate you worse."

"I hate you even more."

"I hate you more than that!"

"I hate you to INFINITY!" Mal stood up and got another burger. The others stifled their snickers. Ryu looked at Mizel, trying to not laugh. But her grin turned to a raised eyebrow.

"Mizel, where are your feet?" she asked.

"What feet?" Mizel asked.

"What are feet?" Tayten questioned.

"What are you guys talking about?" wondered Mal.

"What is the purpose of feet?" asked Tristan.

"Why are you all wondering what feet are? Don't you have any?" Ryu still was curious.

"I don't understand...we honestly want you to tell us what feet are," Tristan said for his three comrades.

"You all are nuts," Aidan commented, and he pulled his cloak up. "These are-" he stopped short. "WHERE THE HECK ARE MY FEET!?"

"This is a foot," Behrooz answered the Its' questions, placing his foot directly in front of them. "And it helps me walk, as it does almost all other beings."

"What are you walking on? Do you have some sort of...walking...thing to help you walk?" Keanu looked at them questionably.

"Errm...I dunno...I dunno what you'd call this thing if it isn't a foot..." Mizel was inspecting the bottom of his leg.

"IT'S CALLED A CHOCOLATE MALT!" Milandu screamed suddenly. Bitten (cough) Milandu stood up and threw off her cloak. Her majesticness suddenly poured through and...Aidan and Mal screamed at the same time.

"BITTEN!"

"BUTCHER KNIFE!" Aidan whimpered at the sight of Bitten holding a butcher knife.

"Mine friends, thous didst not knoweth that Milandu is Bitten?" Hamlet laughed.

"She has different personalities at times..." Crevan said. The cows grew uneasy at the sight of a kuhnife.

"I was startin' to think that Milandu was Bitten's evil twin..." whispered Vachel to Bertha.

"BUAHAHAHAH! I SUMMON MY BUTCHERBREADSTEAKBROCCOLI KNIFE!" Bitten levitated in the sky, cackling. The magical "butcherbreadsteakbroccoli" knife came to her aid. "AHAHAHAHHA! THE WORLD IS MINE TO DOMINATE!"

"Don't worry, she's on our side..." Crevan whispered, as Bitten grinned evilly at the diaperlings. "I hope..."

"I AM WEILDER OF THE BUTCHERBREADSTEAKBROCCOLI KNIFE! AHA!"

"You know, this would be a really sucky time to suddenly find out that Bitten is actually a crazy axe murderer," Aidan commented, mostly jesting, but inwardly suspicious. The other four Its turned to him.

"You didn't know that already?" asked three of them. (Tristan was busy trying to fix Landroval's beak)

"I am leaving." Everyone was suddenly shocked. Bitten pulled her hood over, and stalked towards Keanu.

"Want a ride...?" he asked sheepishly.

"Nope. Just my knives." She pulled a box off of his saddlebag. She glowed as she opened it a crack. Her collection. She pulled a knapsack out of a nearby bag (?) and smushed together the box, a few sandwiches, and some book that was written in "Meh" into the knapsack.

"What's the book?" asked Vachel.

"It's her guide." Crevan watched as Bitten walked away, resuming her normal walk, so as to be once again known in Ëa as Milandu. Then, all of a sudden, she disappeared, to be seen by someone else somewhere else.

"To what?"

* * *

"I WIN! I WIN! I BEAT THE BLOODY CRAP OUT OF YOU! AHHHAAA! VICTORY!" Bitten did a little victory dance. 

"GREEN TEAM WINS" said the little voice on the TV screen. "GREEN THE WIN". Kaden and Kiley sat there, pondering how she had managed to screw up the game enough to first make it say that she won, and then...

"'Green the win'? Is that even a SENTENCE!?" freaked Kaden. Treebeard popped his head in.

"What is that devious flashing beast?" he questioned slowly, in his...slow manner.

"It's a TV," muttered Kiley.

"What is that devious flashing beast?"

"It's a TV."

"I'm not sure that I understand."

"It eats people's brains."

"AH! Then it is a horrible killing beast! We must destroy it!" And he stomped on it. And Bitten stopped her victory dance.

"HOW DARE YOU! My green the win screen...it was so pretty..." she wept over her fallen TV. Actually, it wasn't that terrible, seeing as it was more than twenty years old and had bad speakers with no bass and you could see some long lost channel trying to peep in through the lines that went across the screen. ;)

Then, Kaden and Kiley were so angry, that...they made Bitten do the dishes! After a few hours of doing so, Bitten could no longer cope.

"I can't handle the pressure of the evil dishwasher! It's evil! It's...evil!" And she started to cry. Then she began making faces at the dishwasher, and then... she started glaring at it. IT WOULDN'T STOP STARING AT HER! "STALKER!" She screamed. Kaden and Kiley shook their heads. They (besides Bitten) went to go get the Ents at their mooty mootneshy mootfully grand... moot.

* * *

"Where do you think Bitten went?" asked Vachel, eating a sandwich. 

"I'm guessing that she went either to see Tom, the Ents, or the Elves." Crevan finished her soup. "Or maybe the Dwarves, if she finally got over her claustrophobia..."

"How many Sues do you think there are?" Tristan asked, tying a splint on Landroval's beak.

"There are too many to count," answered the Eagle. "But, if you mean at the Brandywine, I would guess that there are no more than nine hundred thousand of the evil creatures."

"Nine hundred thousand!?" Tristan exclaimed.

"By the Valar, do you not jest in this matter?" cried Frodo.

"You are both surprised? The evil beasts have so many allies, and so many people fall under their seduction. Why, only a few creatures can withstand the treacherous lies of the Sues. Men, Elves, and on occasion, Dwarves, will fall to the annoying spell of Sueishness. However, I believe that most animals would not fall for them, such as myself, and the Camels would not, nor the Dragons, and I believe that your kin have the ability to resist them. But, as you know, even Sparky, the fell beast was taken in by their cunning."

"I suppose, but, then, why don't the animals destroy the Sues?"

"They are timid, and they do not wish to be seen by any save the Elves."

"But if it would rid the world of Sues, why don't they-" he was cut off by Aidan.

"DRAGONS!" The three other Its looked up. Grins sprouted from each of their faces.

* * *

When they came back, they were met by an unpleasant surprise. Bitten was sawing the dishwasher into pieces. ;)) 

"STOP THAT!" Kiley slapped Bitten's hand.

"HEY! FIEND!" Bitten punched Kiley in the face.

"YOU JERK!"

"Bite me." Kiley did as she was told. "OUCH! Get it off! Get it off!" Bitten flung her arm around wildly, but it was no use. Kiley was a very angry biter. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this." Bitten grabbed a bottle of vinegar from one of her cloak pockets. She poured it on her now-bleeding wound-and, of course, Kiley's face.

"IT BURNS! LEAVE IT!" Kiley screamed as she ran to find water to cure her face.

Bitten pauses this story to give you a magical news report.

Bitten coughed. And then she hacked. And she-alright we're done. "Hello, my readers of the butcher knife, I am Bitten of the Magical Camel Realm and I am here to give you a frickin' news report.

"First, we have wounds. Bitten has severely burned Kiley's face with the vinegar of burning, and Kiley has given Bitten a very terrible bite mark. Well, I suppose, if you picture her as a cow, you can say she-(COUGH!) No more puns.

"Now we have magical events. A giant ostrich from Asia has stolen a sixty-nine year old inmate for life's umbrella. It apparently swooped down and blinded him with its feathers and, erm, clutched his umbrella with its large talons.

"In the weather department, it will rain three inches of snow, at sixty-three degrees below zero. And Aidan is thinking about causing an earthquake at the mouth of Mount Doom to see if it will erupt for him. And that's all for today, thanks for eating!"

Back to story.

As Kiley put aloe on her face, she decided to get back at Bitten. She whispered something to Treebeard.

"What? I don't see why we should be so unkind to our friends..." he mumbled slowly. Kiley giggled. She whispered something again. "I don't think so, my young friend. I will not throw her into the the mouth of a waiting bird." Bitten rose her eyebrow.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing." Kiley looked away guiltily.

"Okay... BUT WE HAVE TO RUN! RUN TO...THE BRANDYWINE!"

"Now, little Bitten-" Treebeard started.

"**LITTLE!?**"

After Treebeard awoke from being kunifed several times, he finished his sentence. "Now, Bitten, don't be hasty."

"WE HAVE TO BE! I WILL BUTCHER YOU AGAIN IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING HASTY! WE ARE NOT BEING HASTY! WE ARE RUNNING TO BATTLE! NOW GET THE FRICK TO YOUR MOOT AND GET YOUR MOOTY FRIENDS TO BRANDYWINE!" Treebeard bowed low, and dashed off to get his happy mooty tree-friends. Bitten turned to Kiley. Kiley glared back. "Let's take it outside."

They each had one weapon. For Bitten, it was her butcherbreadsteakbroccoli knife. For Kiley, it was a bat. (cowboy-style old shooting movie music) Bitten threw off her hood, and held her knife high. Kiley raised her bat and bared her teeth. Then...the moment came. Bitten screamed, "KUNIFE!" while Kiley shrieked, "BEATINGS!" And they ran towards each other, bearing their weapons. They came within twenty feet of each other... ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one...

**CLASH!**

;) I'm totally not talking about MY TV! No way! I have...a better TV than that...and I had some food left over to eat in my sleep. (COUGH!)

;)) Ah, how I wish I could do so...(sigh) (COUGH) I mean...NEVER YOU MIND MY WEIRD SAYINGS!

_Thanks, guy, for reading this far! YAY! I do hope you all enjoyed my news report. IT'S SPECIAL! YEAH! HAHAHA! You have been sucked into my mental world of...DISASTER! Now you will have to wait for the NEXT cliffie...hehe...in five or six months..._

You know, I am so happy now that I could SING! Thank God for EVERYTHING! YAY!


	5. Almost No Point Chapter

The conclusion of the magical cliffie! AREN'T YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT!?

Chapter 5:

Almost No Point Chapter

Last Time, on Insanity...

"The plan is fool-proof...we will slice from all sides," Bitten said. They were running alongside the Brandywine, and they were following it south to the Mary-Sue camp. In the courtyard, they met. "Boxy!" cried she. "BITTEN!" Mal cried. "BUTCHER KNIFE!" Aidan whimpered. "So, mine dearest friend, what sort of devious horrendous April Fools Day plans can we come up with?" Hamlet giggled. Bitten screamed, "KUNIFE!" while Kiley shrieked, "BEATINGS!" And they ran towards each other, bearing their weapons. They came within twenty feet of each other... ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one...**CLASH!**

"Well, then, I think we can head out now." Crevan finished her sandwich, and climbed aboard Behrooz again. "Well, Behrooz, are you ready to start out again?" He nodded, and the rest of the army gathered their foods up and got ready to go.

"Let's go."

* * *

"Ouch...pain..."

"My head hurts."

"Shut up."

"Oh..."

"You two mind-wrecking midgets are so idiotic!" Treebeard glared at Bitten and Kiley. The two immature midgets were rubbing their heads. Kaden was, however, laughing inside.

Treebeard had gone back to gather some water. The Ents were staring at them, raising eyebrows, exchanging confused glances, and whispering back and forth amongst each other.

"My head still hurts."

"I'm leaving. You bring the Ents." Bitten stood up, still rubbing her head. "We aren't done with this duel." She grabbed a glove and slapped Kiley. "WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!"

* * *

Bitten suddenly arrived. "Mine friend! Thou hast returned!" Bitten leaped onto Keanu as he started off with the others. "I have an inquiry, mine friend."

"Shoot."

"Why dost there beeth a large bandage on thous head?"

"I have a bump on my head."

"Why dost thou havest a bump on thine head?"

"Treebeard smashed Kiley's and my heads together."

"I see." They were silent for a moment, and then Hamlet whispered, "So, are you ready?"

"Oh, yeah."

"We're near a camp! It's...THE ENTS!" Vachel cried, pointing Eastward. Kiley and Kaden were swooped up by Treebeard, and he marched across the few hundred feet between them and the army in moments. The army halted, and waited for Treebeard to say something.

"We have come." He set the two girls down. "Where are we marching?"

"We, mine large, plant-befriending sir, art headed towards the southward course of the mighty Anduin river." Hamlet tried to sound smart. But...she failed.

"You dufus! We're heading towards the southward part of the BRANDYWINE!" Aidan flung his arms in the air and waved them wildly.

"I see. It seems to me that by following the river would be swifter than going across it...it seems like crossing it would be the long way round..." Treebeard thought to himself. (out loud) "And I can carry some people if they wish as such."

"We will go the short way around." Crevan smiled, "We will keep going until we cross the river again!" Treebeard thought about that for a second.

It didn't make much sense to him, but he shrugged and said, "I suppose that is good. Climb up, little people, and I shall carry you." Kaden and Kiley started at Behrooz.

"MUST HAVE NEEDS TO BE FOR RIDING!" Kiley cried, and she marched towards him, with her arms stretched outward. She looked like some mummy trying to find a garbage can. Kaden followed. They leaped upon Behrooz, but Crevan was NOT happy.

"No. This is MY camel!" She freaked. Kaden and Kiley, however, pushed her off. As they did so, Treebeard stooped down, intending to pick up the two freaks, but picked up Crevan instead. "EIII!" cried she. Treebeard had his eyes closed, possibly pondering how to eat fresh squirrel droppings without squishing them onto his fingers. (the droppings, not the squirrels!) He plopped Crevan onto his crown (?) and started off.

Slowly, inch by inch, Hamlet and Bitten (COUGH! Keanu and Ryu! COUGH!) neared Kaden and Kiley on Behrooz. As soon as they were merely centimeters from the Kiley's ears, they began screaming.

"ROAR!" started Hamlet.

"NEIGH!" continued Bitten.

"BLOOD!"

"GORE!"

"THIRSTY!"

"CHEESE!"

"MILK AND COOKIES!"

"BREAD!"

"Color!"

"ORANGE!" The two continued screaming in Kiley's ear.

Supper break had come, and the groupsome all sat down.

"What's that?" asked Pippin, who was peering into Aidan's backpack. Aidan pulled something out.

"This, my midget friend, is a bunch of pieces of paper cut into small rectangles and dyed red for your convenience," Aidan said sarcastically.

"He means it's a deck of Uno cards," answered Crevan, her mouth full of another tuna sandwich. Bitten was sitting next to Hamlet. _Dun dun dun..._

"Okay. I have the perfect strategy!"

"What mighteth that beeth, mine friend?"

"Simple. Eat your cards, then call Uno."

"This plan soundeth to mine liking!" (CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP)

"What are you doing, Hamlet?" Mal asked, as the (other) freakish person shoved her cards down her throat.

"Absowrutey noting!" (Absolutely nothing in regular language) Hamlet garbled, with her mouth stuffed with about a dozen cards. Meanwhile, Kaden and Kiley were cheating.

"NO PRIMARY COLORS!" shouted Kiley.

"You could have just said, 'All green'." Kaden stuffed her face in her cards, and glanced around suspiciously. However, her face was in her cards, so she really didn't see much, besides a few numbers. GASP! There was a pair of eyes staring back at her...within the cards! "EIK! I'm being STALKED!" She threw down her cards.

"Kaden!" Kiley frowned at her cheating-buddy. "It's just an eight turned sideways, you idiot!"

After the game was finished and Tayten creamed everyone to a pulp (and Tristan didn't even help her this time!), the leaders of the group (basically everyone except the cows, diaperlings, and Tayten.) (Tayten was kept busy by the strange workings of the cows' stomach) sat around a fire and discussed the matters at hand.

"So, Boxy has left?" asked Landroval.

"That he hath done, mine wind-flying friend! But he hath done so only for purposes of bringing together more allies for our noble deed." There was silence. Everyone was trying to translate what she had said.

"She means Boxy went to go gather armies to kill the Sues," Bitten translated.

"So he has gone..." Landroval thought on that for a moment. "Where will we expect him?"

"He hath vowed me that he wouldst meet us upon the terrace of..." Hamlet scratched her head. "This place! The Brandywine, is it not?"

There came a group-answer, "Yes, Hamlet."

"As long as we remain on this course beside the river bank, I see not how he wouldst be able miss us!" She suddenly gasped. "HE'S HERE!" She jumped up, ran over to the river, and leaped across it in a not-so-Shakespearean manner. "MINE LOVE!" She scooped up the box. She began interpreting for him. "'They have come. They have eaten their way across the Shire, and they will be here by tomorrow morning.'"

"YAY!" Tayten shouted.

"Who is that?" asked Mal, pointing at something near Boxy.

"That, mine friend, is Boxy's friend, the Toothpaste!" Everyone exchanged strange glances with each other.

Sneakedy sneak, went the little hobbit. "I have to get to the well before someone sees me..." whispered Sam to himself. He crouched up to the inefficient well, and picked something up. It was...his dentures! (!?) He carefully took his daytime good-looking dentures out, and put the gold-toothed ones in...

**KABOOM!**

oooom...

Pieces of well scattered all over. His dentures no longer existed. Hamlet and Boxy and Bitten squatted nearby, laughing obnoxiously.

"AHAHA! That was the GREATEST April Fools Day prank EVER!"

"Yes, mine friends! We managed to blow up his fake teeth!"

"AHA! DENTURE-EXPLOSION!" They erupted in harder and more intense laughter. Sam sadly licked his gums, and walked away. Suddenly, someone interrupted their laughter.

"This is a hold up." Kaden pointed her finger at them, with her hand "gun". (HA! Bad pun.) "You tell me where my camel is, or else..." She frowned and squinted. (is that possible?) "I will use my gun." (oh, yes it is! I just tried it! Wait, everything is all blurry...) Boxy whimpered.

"AHA!" Kiley leaped out of nowhere and giggled. "April Fools!" Kaden fell over. "Maybe she had too much of that toothpaste..."

* * *

_Kiley was squeezing the Toothpaste. He thought it felt like regurgitating, but he enjoyed it. Kaden ate up his spilling toothpaste. _(eww...) _Aidan jumped in._

_"Why did you open a new toothpaste bottle!? The old one isn't finished yet!" he exclaimed._

_"It was pretty...and it was smiling at me!" came the ridiculous answer. _

_"Why the heck was the toothpaste smiling at you!?"_

_"I hate having to move my fingers just to get the toothpaste out of the frickin' toothpaste bottle!"_

_"Okay..."_

* * *

_Magical adventures those were, _thought Kiley. _Magical!_ Kaden stood up again. She pulled a mirror out of her back pocket.

"I have a beard," she mumbled. "And sideburns. I'm just ugly." Kaden grabbed a a bungey cord that had been strapped to her belt. "Why is this chewed?" she wondered, dazed (from O.T. (over-toothpasted)), staring at the gnarled piece of bungey.

Hamlet and Bitten were walking together. All of a sudden, this striped beetle with green flashing polka dots stung Hamlet with its...STINGER OF DOOM! YES OF COURSE!

"OH MY GOSH HAMLET! YOU GOT STUNG BY A MODERN BEETLE!"

"NOOO!" Suddenly, they both gasped.

"'Nooo!?' HAMLET! YOU JUST SAID A WORD THAT ISN'T AN OLDE ENGLISHE WORD!" Bitten cried. Then Hamlet screamed.

"YOU ARE USING HER AS A PUPPET AREN'T YOU!?"

Bitten retaliated, "WHY FOR WHO!?

"CAUSE!" Hamlet yelled. Bitten looked questionably at the drugs Hamlet had been taking (no worries, guys, just the medical stuff...Tylenol, Aspirin...'cause Hamlet gets a lot of headaches. I think it's from her speech impediment). "I LOOKED IN YOUR DIARY AND I SAW THE PLANS OF WORLD DOMINATION!"

"...Yes, of course, but she would not make a good puppet! 'Cause she's really nice," Bitten explained.

"AND I SAW YOUR FRIENDS BEING USED AS PUPPETS INCLUDING ME!"

"TOUGH! Heheh...no."

"Cruel jerk!" Hamlet growled.

"I'm using someone else...someTHING else!...MY CHARACTERS! BUAHAHAHA! For once everyone is succumbed to them...I will release a toxic fume on everyone's computer when they are not looking and CONTROL THE WORLD! BUAHAHAHA! Ha."

"That's why I don't want the evil website anymore!"

"Oh, too late for YOU!"

"Yeah..."

"You have been TOXIFIED! MUAHAHAHA!" Bitten cackled so loud that Hamlet cried. For a second. And then she took an Aspirin.

"NOOO!"

"Alright. Well, now we must get you back to your Olde Englishe self. But but...I'm not sure I know the spell..."

"Ohh dear."

"No really! I think...it's TYUIOP! YAY! TYUIOP! TYUIOP! YAY FOR TYUIOP!" A flying computer sat down next to them and started playing some Arabian game by itself. "Weird..." Hamlet gave Bitten the "You messed up" look that she would never have done before as a Shakespearean Olde Englishe person! "Okay, it's ACTUALLY Aborigine. ABORIGINE! ABORIGINE!"

"Good day, mate!" An Australian boomerang (with a bladed edge!) came up to them. "You called?"

"Great one, Bitten."

"Alright...it's BEAN SPROUT! BEAN SPROUTS!"

...after a couple hours of mishaps and misspells, Bitten finally guessed the correct spell.

"Umm...the Hamlet of Veinice?" she gasped, trying to keep her voice after the screaming and beating. (yes, Veinice. It IS NOT a typo. GOSH!)

"I wanst to yield wallpapers at the neighbors and at horrible, freaky people!" Bitten and Hamlet rejoiced together at her new words. (Actually, they were about century-old words, but (COUGH!)) "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Except, that which we call a Sue would by any other name still be crappy."

"YAY HAMLET!" Bitten hugged her returned friend. "Let's go get some sandwiches."

_Alrighty, what did you think? HAPPY APRIL FOOLS! Even though this is like, May...WELL IT WAS APRIL WHEN I WROTE IT! Oh, yes, I'd like to thank my best friend Lizzy for the inspiration she gave me, and for the whole...um, weird conversation and the screaming (both times) between Hamlet and Bitten. That was actually an edited MSN Messenger thing that we were doing...and somehow it ended up becoming story...kinda weird...ANYWAY! SEE YOU NEXT MOON!_


	6. The Full Moon is Rising

HAHA! Welcome to...THA MOON! Er, the new moon. Story. Yeah.

Chapter 6:

The Full Moon is Rising

"MILANDU! MILANDU!" yelled Random Scout. (yesh he's still here)

"What is it?" questioned Milandu. (she was in a Milandu mood then)

"THEY HAVE COME! But...it's not just them! The others have come, also!"

"HOORAY!" She did a little jig. "Okay, Hamlet! Let's look for them on the horizon!" She and Hamlet scanned the horizon for their armies.

"Wait...I seeth them! Our friends art coming! Let us be off to meet them!"

"Good idea!" So they ran, arm in arm (such good buddies) to meet their fellow Sue-slayers. They were impressed at the amount of armies there were. The dragons had come, dwarves had come with their axes, Tom Bombadil and his pretty wife, and there was Willow, and...SQUIRRELS! "YAY! SQUIRRELS!"

"They art incredibly attractive in the sense of fluffiness!" The squirrels stood there, trying to interpret her words.

"She means she thinks you're cute." Milandu said. A big squirrel leaned forward.

"We are NOT cute," he growled in a deep voice. The other squirrels cackled.

"Okay...freakish rabid squirrels..." And there were a few OTHERS in particular after the squirrels that Milandu was excited about. "Al! Spice! And...CAMELS!"

Before her was a vast army of her precious! "How didst this come upon us? Where did we find so many noble camels?" asked Hamlet.

"Um, Tom Bombadillo found them," said Willow. Tom began a little ditty.

"Tom Bombadillo, that's my name! Tom Bombadillo...duh dillo..."

"SWEET!" Bitten (that was her mood now) exclaimed. "So, who is this poor fellow?" She looked at a raccoon-sort of animal. "Why is his eye twitching?"

The whole army gasped.

"He had a horrible experience..." mumbled Willow.

"TELL ME!" (yes, that's very much Bitten) The little twitching raccoon looked up.

"I was...captured...by the dreaded beings!!" The army gasped again. "They took me...and gave me a...horrible! They hurt me...it was a long tube and it had a needle on the end...HORRENDOUS!" it shrieked. (It remains an it) "They stabbed me with it...and they squeezed the other end..."

"You must have been given a shot..." Elrond decided. (Yesh he appeared)

"And then...I could feel my bones start to shake...it was horrible...I felt like I had so much energy that if I didn't let loose and do something energetic or athletic that I might explode or burn or something terrible but if I did do something I would have fallen for the Sues and be entrapped by them which as you know is not very fun at all but I couldn't stand the feeling I got because it was so horrible!" it gasped for air after its very long sentence.

"So, what did you do?" asked Tayten, who was actually paying attention for once.

"I-I...I fell for them..." it cried. "I could not withstand the horrible feeling but I don't think they liked it because I started tearing up their furniture and eating their foods and sleeping in their hair and using the bathtub as a restroom and using the lamps as trampolines and bouncing on the roof and choking on their horrendous toothpicks and giving them odd looks and it was the weirdest feeling I have ever had in my entire life!" Everyone tried to catch the whole sentence, but it was fairly difficult.

"So...how did you get away?" Tayten asked.

"I finally drove them nuts. They threw me into the street and proclaimed me garbage. I have had to run from them ever since."

"Wow."

"Good gosh," muttered Milandu.

"By the Shakespeare..." thought Hamlet.

"That is one frickin' awesome story," laughed Aidan. The raccoon only twitched at him.

"Then you are already a War Veteran! You should not have to go!" said Behrooz, in his kind nature.

"Nay, he must! We must haveth enough!" Hamlet argued.

"Let him decide. He has been through enough. If he does not wish to go, then he should not be forced to do so. If he does wish to go, so be it!"

"I think..." the little raccoon started, "That I shall go, but I beg of you, do not let them hurt me again! PLEASE!" It started groveling at Behrooz's feet.

"Of course. I wouldn't allow them to come anywhere near you with A NEEDLE!" Behrooz angrily scowled at the Sues. Crevan blushed. ;) "Wait...who is that on the horizon?"

"A CASE TO ANSWER!" came a call from the peoples on the horizon.

"Got to go, someone's calling my name." Milandu ran towards them.

"But...I THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS MILANDU!" cried Willow.

"IT IS!" she called back. Crevan shrugged. Hamlet ran after Milandu.

"HOLD THINE FOOTING!" Milandu rolled her eyes, but stopped.

"Yes, Hamlet?"

"I wisheth to continue onward with thee!" Hamlet nodded.

"Whatever. BUT WE MUST HURRY! The king of bags is impatient."

"King of bags?"

"Yeah...you'll understand when you see him." So they ran to go meet the OTHER armies.

At the same time, Crevan and Vachel were speaking together. "Where did Bertha go?"

"I think she went to the dentist." Crevan grabbed another tuna sandwich. "But I'm not sure why. Do you know?"

"We have reason to believe that the dentists are hiding something...unnaturally Suish. I betcha Bertha went to investigate," Vachel looked through one eye at her friend.

"Probably."

* * *

"How sanitary are your tools of teeth-cleaning?" 

"Well, honey, you had better ask that manager right that there, 'cause I ain't about to know who in tarnation cleans their toothbrushes on daily basis, but I could look it up in a field guide for ya, if you'd so prefer, missy!"

"Ermm...no muscularness..." She flexed the toothbrush. But it broke.

* * *

"Hey, king of bags! What's up?" As Bitten asked this, about four hundred plastic bags moved in the exact same way, creating a buzzing sound. "Oh really? That's cool," she said. 

"How on earth did you interpret their slight movement?"

"Well, truly, I think that it's just a secondary form of Meh. You know how Latin is supposedly the beginning of every language or something? Well, Meh is the beginning form of Bag."

"Meh and Bag?"

"Yes. Meh and Bag. I think there are a couple others too, like Chirp...Chew...apparently somebody couldn't think of any clever names, so they just kinda did the first sound you hear. Well, off that subject, the king and his troops said that they were all feeling good and that they had a Pop-Tart for breakfast."

"A Pop-Tart?"

"Yes."

Well, when they had talked muchly about magical things like learning Spanish to get to Mars, and how ice cream in the toaster tasted particularly good, and that the orange juice company was most likely 0 juice, Hamlet and Milandu led the bags back to the rest of the group.

"Alright, guys, I have a plan," commanded Behrooz. Everyone was surprised the he was deciding to take charge, but man, they were gonna listen! NOBODY messes with Behrooz! ...

"YEAH! What is it?" asked Keanu.

"Okay. So, we split into five groups. One group will circle around to the eastern side of the Brandywine, another will take the Brandywine south, the other will go farther ahead and go south a ways, but then come back up again, and then the fourth will stay on this side. We should have a messenger, who travels back and forth between the groups, and we shall have a planned date and time to strike at the same time. If we surround them at the same time, and attack at the same time, they will be so shocked that they will be unable to retaliate! Then, the last group will be the largest, and it will collect more armies as the first four groups are fighting!"

"That makes perfect sense!" said Elrond.

"When the Sues bring out their own armies, the messenger will come and tell the last group. Then they will come and crush the Sues to help the other groups. And if the Sues still remain, the groups will throw one more hit, gathering up their anger, and giving it all they got!" Everyone was speechless. Behrooz had one powerful speech.

"YAY!" cried Tayten, and they all rejoiced over the ingenius plan.

"So...let's decide the groups," Vachel suggested.

"Good idea!" said Milandu.

"Okay," Elrond pondered, "Hamlet and Bitten, you guys should lead the squirrels with Al and Spice, oh! And the bags will be with you too, and Boxy, Kaden and Kiley, as well as the Its, and Random Scout, and you shall be the first and smallest group, to circle around to the south part of their camp. Camels, Keanu, Ryu, Willow, myself, Crevan, the raccoon, and all of the Ents, shall head towards the northern side to attack from there. Vachel, Bertha, Pooky, and all of the mighty dwarves, you should lead the diaperlings and cows from this side. Then, Sparky, you and all the hobbits and dragons, shall fly to the eastern side! And Elrond, Aragorn, Tom Bombadil, take the Elves and all the forest creatures to be with you! You shall be the last group, to gather as many as you can!"

"Good idea!" said Behrooz.

"YEAH!" Many shouts and happiness cries arose. But then, Elrond questioned himself.

"But what about the messenger?"

"Hamlet and Bitten!"

"You and Crevan, Behrooz!"

"Random Scout!"

"Sparky!"

"OKAY! HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Behrooz shouted at the angry mob. "Okay. The messenger must be someone who can keep their cool."

"That drops out Random Scout."

"HEY!"

"Okay," continued Behrooz. "And they need to be able to deliver messages quickly and clearly."

"Bitten can totally teleport!"

"Ummm, Sparky has a lisp..."

"Okay. Then, they also need to be someone who cares for their army-friends!"

"Sorry, Behrooz, but then I'm out. I can't tell the difference between a bag worth beans." All of the bags gasped.

"Okay then! Hamlet and Bitten! You are the messengers!"

"Yeah. Aidan can lead the group. I'm sure."

"SPIDERS ARE BANANAS!" screamed Hamlet.

"TO WAR!" Bitten cheered.

"SPIDERS ARE BANANAS!" everyone cheered. "LET US FLY ONWARD!" she cried, pointing her sword towards the setting sun. The armies spread out, each to their own sides.

Hamlet and Bitten were walking together, heading towards some grape trees. Since they were messengers, and nobody had any messages, they were going to get some grapes. "Mine friend, I must showeth thee something I created!" Bitten turned towards her friend.

"What is it, Hamlet?"

"This!" Hamlet stuffed a book into her friend's face.

"Oh, no...Hamlet, have you been writing again?" Bitten opened the cover. "WHAT THE?! 'Shakespeare marries Jane Austen'!? WHAT SORT OF BOOK IS THIS!?"

"A fair one."

"Oh...dear..."

Well, after Bitten attempted to read the horrible writings, she looked at her friend's face. "Umm...Hamlet? What is that?" she asked, pointing to a small red dot on her friend's forehead.

"What what?"

"Ewww! It's a blister!"

"My heavens! I musteth cover it up!"

"MUST POP!" Bitten tried to pop it.

"Agh! Leaveth it alone, Bitten!"

"MUST HAVE NEEDS!" Bitten pulled out a kuhnife, and attempted to jab the blister.

"AHHH!"

And...Bitten got it. With her nasty long fingernails. "AHA! Ew...there's pus!"

"It's actually hydrogen oxygen combination!"

"IT IS NOT WATER! IT IS PUS!"

"WATER!"

"PUS!"

"WAATTTEEEERRRRR!"

"PUSSSS!"

Well, anyway, the maid, Cycann, decided to clean up the inn. (Duh, the inn the hobbits and people stayed in at Buckland) She also set up a sign. It said, "Seven days of laundry make one weak." Yeah.

"Crevan?"

"Yes, Vachel?"

"Who is that guy over there?"

"You mean Zayit the Elfish? Oh, he's an Elf."

"I see. But what does he do?"

"He likes garland. And he's quite the ladies man."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah. He actually kinda uses the Suish tactic against them, with the entrancing and all that, and when they are about to kiss him or some crap, he pulls their hair or spits on them or plays some horrible prank."

"Wow."

"Heck yeah."

"BITTEN!"

"Yes, Hamlet?"

"I SEE THE SUES!"

"I noticed."

"BUT BUT BUT BUT!"

"I know. We're going to meet them in BATTLE!"

The two turned towards each other. "SPIDERS ARE BANANAS!"

(swoosh) Hamlet and Bitten appeared neared the battle front. "Alright, Hamlet. We can't make any sudden moves." A strange little frog leaped nearby. "AIEEEE!" Bitten lashed out her sword and sawed the amphibian to pieces. ;))

There was silence.

"Shut up, Hamlet." Said person smirked.

Suddenly she gapsed. You know, like gasped, only more dramatic-type. "Our quarry is under way! I believe it would behoove us to seclude ourselves post-haste!" ;))) Everyone else (whom the duo were nearing) turned and gaped. Hamlet stuttered. "B-b-b-b-b-buh! Here they come! HIDE!" Everyone gapsed and dug holes into the ground to hide.

Bitten turned to see the face of their foes. (I say face (singular) because they all look the same) But at the front of the line, the head of Sueishness and Stuishness alike, stood...

_Will Turner._

;) Wink wink!

;)) That is so cheesily ironic.

;))) Ah, the good old lines...

_RACCOON ON SPEED! THAT IS SCARY! What what? NO! Of course that's not what the raccoon was on..._


	7. The Strange Strenght

The post-climax to our probably-retarded story!

Chapter 7:

The Strange Strenght

(bubble) Mishpelling! (eraser noises)(squeaky squeaky squeak)(throwing of eraser noise)(fwoosh)(redoing of writing noise)(scribble scribble dash) Kay kay! All done!

Chapter 7:

The Strange Strength

YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION! Bitten looked with disgust as their enemies neared them. Wait a minute...something wasn't right. There was a little black dot about three hundred yards away, moving rapidly skyward. Oh dear Middle-earth. They had a cheekoon. ;) Or...was the little crazy raccoon calling to it?

"FREDDY! OVER HERE!" called the little twitching rodent/panda. The cheekoon found the hole that raccoon had dug.

"AI AI AI YA! Bluey! Where were you?"

"Ummm...captured by Sues." The cheekoon gasped. And they started whispering back and forth, and Bitten focused on their enemies. Hamlet was sitting in a large plastic bowl. It served as a hole for her.

"Hamlet, where are your grenades?"

"In the boom-o wagon."

"Sweet awesomeness, you actually did something that could save us from destitution! Good job."

"I thank you to China, for your grand compliment, dearest Bitten."

"Well, actually, I'd rather be at home playing video games, not in China...but I'll take your thanks. You are welcome for being smart for once. It probably was actually me." She glanced around. "WHO STOLE MY KNIVES!?" she screamed, not seeing her box inside her knapsack.

"That also ist surrounded by the boom-o wagon. Thou's knapsack became rather holy."

"Holy? You mean holy, like, the tabernacle or something?"

"No. I mean like Swiss cheese."

"Oh. You mean like THAT kind of hole."

"Yes."

"Okay."

Will Turner turned his Stu-ey (almost Sue-ey) gaze upon Crevan and Behrooz. Behrooz spat in disgust.

Meanwhile, on the southern side of the Sue camp...

"ATTACK!" cried Aidan.

"WAIT!" shouted Mal. "We should call the others!"

"Others?" Mizel asked. "You mean like, Clove, and Mika, and Orrick and-"

"Yes, all our buddies! We should call them!"

"Good idea, Mal!" Tristan encouraged. "But who will call them?"

"I WILL!" Mizel volunteered.

"ME TOO!" Tayten giggled, holding her hand in the air and jumping up and down.

"Err..." Mal was slightly hesitant. "I suppose you could..."

"YAY!" they both shrieked in happiness. And they waved and were off. Bitten sudden flashed in front of them.

"How is everybody here?" she asked.

"Fine," Mal stated. "Mizel and Tayten went to go get our buddies. We figured that they wouldn't help much anyway, so they might as well try to be useful."

"Good idea. Where are Kaden and Kiley?"

"They're over there," Aidan said, pointing as he said it. Bitten went that direction and found the two nuts playing chess.

"WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING!?" she freaked. "WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR! AND YOU TWO RESORT TO PLAYING CHESS!?"

"I'm about to destroy her queen." Kiley refused to look Bitten in the eye.

Bitten thought for a moment, then said, "I want to play you after this game." Kiley finally glared at her, squinting angrily.

"Fair enough."

And Kiley beat Kaden to a crisp, and they reset the pieces, and Bitten sat down. In a few turns, Bitten had taken one of Kiley's rooks and a pawn, will Kiley had taken a knight, four pawns, both rooks, and a tower.

"Check," said Kiley.

"Oh, yeah!?"

"Yes."

"Dag." But Bitten suddenly did some magic move (that might not have been quite chess-rules) and swept Kiley's queen off the table. "Checkmate."

"LIAR! I CAN MOVE HERE!"

"Yes you can. But then my knight can ride upon his camel and defeat the evil Kiley-king."

"NEVER!"

"WHOOT! I WIN!" Bitten stood up and did the moon walk, and then...watched the moon laugh at Kiley. Then she disappeared to find the eastern group. "SPARKY!" Sparky the happy fell beast turned to her, and brought a small animal too. "How's it going?"

"Pretty much awesome. This flying squirrel dude decided to come with us. He has some pretty awesome moves. Hey, Merry! Tune up the jukebox to number seventeen! Vijay's gonna dance for us!" Merry turned up the jukebox and pressed the play button and the seventeen button. And it started.

"We get it almost every night, when that moon is big and bright, it's a supernatural delight. Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight. Everybody here is out of sight, they don't bark and they don't bite; they keep their scrooge to keep uptight, everybody was dancin' in the moonlight...Dancin' in the moonlight! Everybody's feeling warm and bright, it's such a fine natural sight, everybody's dancin' in the moonlight!" And the little flying squirrel danced and sang along and flew and was pretty much totally awesome.

After the awesome squirrel had danced a few more songs, Bitten decided she needed to get back to the camels and to make sure Hamlet hadn't gotten eaten or something. SWOOSH! Bitten landed next to the tree they had been by earlier. Hamlet was sitting nearby, again attempting to write stories. Bitten shook her head, but said nothing. Then she noticed that the Sues were incredibly close. They were in range. "BUAHAHAHA! BEHROOZ! PULL OUT THE SHOTGUNS!"

The camels grabbed their shotguns and blasted the most of the Sues and Stues to pieces. However, Will Turner, three Stues, and about seventy Sues still stood there. That was obviously not the entire camp, no, but was definitely a lot. Will and two companions of his (Sues they were) ran back to their camp, while the remaining number were shot down by exceedingly good shots from Crevan's bow (she's so old-schooled, she is). The Ents steadily threw rocks at the sickening creatures. Then, in one hugantical rock throw from Treebeard, they all died.

Behrooz pondered the best battle plan. "CHARGE!" Bitten grabbed Hamlet and disappeared to tell the other groups. They circled into all four other groups, and told them the plan, and then went straight for the Sue camp. Bitten and Hamlet were given the honor of riding a camel, named Zbigniew. He was pretty much awesome! They got past the plains before the camp fine and undamaged, but when the got to the camp itself...a Sue appeared. Zbigniew shot her, but she didn't fall down or die. Instead, she laughed scarily and winked. Zbigniew shot her again. She fell down that time, but then she stood back up again.

Her eyes turned red. "You wish to slay me, slave!?"

"I DO!" Bitten grabbed her always-on-hand sickle and beheaded the nasty Sue.

"Why didn't the first shot kill her? Sues are incredibly vulnerable to bullets..." Zbigniew pondered. He checked his shotgun.

"She must have been using something. A shield, a spell, or..." Behrooz locked eyes with Bitten.

"The raccoon could have been used as a test..."

"We must keep a sharp eye on the way they react to our other weapons." Another Sue appeared. She gasped as she saw the little twitching raccoon. She ran towards it, and it ran too. The camels shot at her, but somehow her speed was faster than they expected. She was catching up to little Raccoon (otherwise known as Bluey). The cheekoon chased after the Sue. "How is she keeping up with him? He has a ton of speed!"

"It's another thing to back up my theory!"

"Maybe so..." Freddy the cheekoon finally caught up with the Sue and mashed her with its huge paws. Bluey was very lucky for that; the Sue had almost caught him. Another Sue appeared! She called with a strange voice, and a bunch of Stues and Sues appeared beside her, and they all chased the little raccoon. Two Stues fell to the camels' guns, and a Sue to Crevan's bow, but seven Stues and Sues still chased the raccoon. Five fell, one by one, to the shotguns and bow, but two caught up with the small creature. They grabbed Bluey and punched him, over and over and over. Freddy grabbed them both and tore them apart.

Bluey had passed out.

"Sues are NEVER that strong." Bitten sighed. She and Behrooz exchanged glances, and he sighed as well.

"Your theory is correct, Bitten."

She turned around to face the entire group. "We have a very big problem. The Sues have a very powerful weapon. A very frighteningly powerful weapon that could change the battle." Camels relayed this to Mal and Tristan and Aidan, who relayed it around so that the entire company heard it. "The Sues are stronger, faster, and they aren't dying quickly like they usually do. The raccoon became high after Sues gave it a shot. Sparky says he saw large tanks as he passed over the camp. All of these things lead to a theory that I believe is very true, and very lethal." The entire company swallowed, trying to be ready for the theory. "The Sues...are taking and using..."

She swallowed, trying to calm down.

"Speed."

;) You know, part cheetah, part raccoon, invincible in battle.

_Aw, isn't Chirp cute? You got to see her at the beginning, when she fixed the spelling mistake. Hamlet! (slap) You dufus! No more misspellings!_

_Short cliffie this time; sorry 'bout that. IT SHALL BE REPAID IN...Hamlet's blood. _

_I give credit to my pretty much awesome brother for the whole "cheekoon" idea. Yeah. AND IT'S NOT MADE OUT OF PLAYDOUGH!_

_Dancin' in the Moonlight...yeah. LOOK AT THE FULL MOON! ISN'T IT PRETTY? Actually, I can't see it from here...oh, yesh, SEE YOU NEXT MONTH! Yeah._


	8. Speeding Ticket

...awkward silence...

Chapter 8:

Speeding Ticket

"THEY'RE TAKING SPEED!?" Aidan freaked, leaping in the air and causing a few small earthquakes. "WHAT SORT OF FISH CRAP IS THAT!?"

"Um...speedy crap?" Kiley offered. Aidan rolled his eyes.

"Alright. What is the best counterattack to speed?" Elrond asked, looking for some bright answers.

"Squirt guns?" Kaden grinned. Apparently Elrond wasn't getting any anytime soon. "No, really! They envelop the Sues in harmonious...err, harming squirt-gun-processed water, and the Sues start shrinking like..."

"Yes, yes we all know," Vachel shook her head, "I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking!" Mal started whistling "Follow the Yellow Brick Road".

"Actually, Elrond, it would work if we used slightly POISONED squirt guns..." Mal suddenly said, forgetting her magical whistle.

"How would we get the poison in without getting ourselves? That's a good idea, but we left the plastic gloves in Bywater," said Tristan.

"We could use those tablets for getting off of drugs..." Kiley suggested.

"Um, those are things you take, not absorb through your skin. And...it doesn't quite work that way..." Elrond explained. (oh, yes, they all have megaphones near them so that the whole company could hear each other yes yes)

"Why don't me and some o' my buds go and take the tanks of speed? Then at least they'll be kept from gettin' any more," Sparky offered. Some of his dragon buddies nodded.

"Hmmm..." Elrond contemplated the idea, while Aidan burst out in applause.

"THAT WOULD BE GREAT! YEAH!" Elrond shrugged, and decided to go along with it.

"When will your friends be here?" Bitten asked Tristan.

"You mean, when will Mizel and Tayten come back with all of our other It-friends?"

"Yeah, your buddies. When do you think they'll make it back here?"

"Well, Orrick and Raanan are pretty dependable, so I'd say they might be here by sundown, if they can get the crazy ones, like Mizel and Tayten, to cooperate."

"Is that a big "If"?"

Tristan thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yes. But I could call them if it takes them too long."

"Call them?" Bitten raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. We Its can always call each other. It's like calling 911 for you humans. But, we're only supposed to do that if something's really wrong."

"So, unless the Sues start trying to rip your head off, you aren't supposed to call them?"

"Exactly." Bitten sighed.

"But if you do suddenly feel your head being ripped off by a bunch of Sues, you have your buddies, correct?"

"Correct."

"That's definitely a plus. I suppose that if plan A fails, we still have plan B: your buddies." Bitten/Milandu (she was in her in-between state) grinned. "You Its are the second best thing at driving the Sues mad."

"Second best?" asked Aidan, feeling competitive.

"Yeah. Boxes/bags tie for first. So, the King of Bags and Boxy will be a big part of plan B, also, if Sparky and the gang somehow can't manage stealing the tanks."

"Have you asked Elrond about all this?"

"No, I'm just kinda making it up as I go along."

"That's kinda what I thought."

"Yeah..."

Back to Sparky!

"Hey, Vijay, man, you ready to go get the stuff?"

"Oh yeah man," answered the flying squirrel in a high-pitched squeaky voice. And they and some of their dragon buddies flew toward the Sue camp, trying to stay high and out of sight. "OI! OI! SPARKAY! NEED HELP!" cried the little squirrel, as his wings started aching.

"No problem, Vijay!" And Sparky, the gentle fell beast, held little Vijay's hand, giving him the boost he needed.

"Thank you," little squirrel said, in a hard-to-understand-but-yet-deeper-voice.

"No problem, little friend."

...It's turn...

"I caught a butterfly, see, Orrick?" said Tayten.

"Yeah, I see, that's a monarch, Tayten," Orrick replied gently. "Don't squish it, or it won't be able to fly," he added.

"Tay tay!" she answered. (that's her version of "Okay")

"Heheh..." Mizel jabbed another It with a pencil.

"EIIK!" She ran to hide under Raanan.

"Mizel! We must make plans!" called Mika. Mizel ran over to her. They giggled about some random prank.

Raanan put up his arms in surprise as a little It pounced on him, and looked back at Mizel. "Orrick!" Raanan called, watching as the little It crumpled into a little ball in his arms. Mizel and Mika laughed at something or rather.

"Yeah, Raanan?" Orrick was trying to make sure that Tayten didn't get too close to the beehive.

"Are we getting close?"

"Oh, yeah. We only have about three miles or so."

"Good! I'm not sure if I'll be able to take care of these guys much longer!" Raanan watched as Mika did the moonwalk.

"Okay, now you try," Raanan heard Mika say. Mizel attempted the moonwalk, but was horribly bad. Mika merely laughed, and did tried to show him again. Raanan turned his gaze towards Tayten and Orrick, who were looking at a grasshopper. Tarisai was still clinging to him; apparently she didn't notice that Mizel wasn't paying attention anymore. "Orrick, where's Clove? I thought he was here!" Raanan shouted.

Orrick looked up from the little green grasshopper Tayten was holding. "No idea! You never know where he is!" he joked. "Tayten, can we take the little grasshopper with us? We have to go-" he paused, "quickly." She nodded. "Raanan! We're heading out!"

"Gotcha!" Raanan turned to look at the little ball in his arms. "Tarisai, come out," he said softly. She bounded out of her ball form and took off like a jet. "Come on, guys! We're going out!" He motioned that command with an arm gesture. (did that sentence make any sense at all?) They all started walking, Raanan pretty close to the lead, and Orrick about fifty feet away, holding Tayten's hand, and Mizel a ways back, still trying to learn the moonwalk, and Mika laughing so hard at his futile attempts that she nearly fell over.

Meanwhile, a distant shadow followed them, unbeknownst to the group...

"Orrick, why is his leg not bent?" Tayten asked, and Orrick looked at it again.

"Aw, I think his leg is broken." He reached in his pocket. "I think I have a-" he pulled out a toothpick. "Here it is! Now, let me see if I can find some tape in here somewhere..." He stuffed his hand into another pocket, and then another, and another... "Why do I have so much crap?" he muttered. Finally, he found it...in his sleeve. "Where the heck did this come from?" He made a face as he pulled out the tape, along with a stapler, a bucket of pens, a drawing pad, and a stuffed duck. He sighed. "MIKA! WHY FOR?"

"Yeah, Orrick? Whatcha need? A stuffed kitty along with it?" He pulled a stuffed cat out of his sleeve, too.

"STOP GIVING ME ALL OF THIS CRAP!"

"Why? Don't have enough yet?"

"I JUST NEEDED TAPE!" Mika smiled shneakily. (shneaky...) Suddenly, tape fell on his head. Duct tape. Masking tape. Scotch tape. Cassette tape. Tape recorder. Boombox. He fell down when the boombox hit him. Mika and Mizel giggled.

At the time that this had been going on, Tayten had seen a small roll of masking tape fall from Orrick's back pocket. She picked it up, along with the toothpick, and carefully, and with precision, taped the grasshopper's leg back together. Orrick sighed and dodged the falling chainsaw, and blinked when he saw Tayten.

"You fixed him?"

"Uhuh! All by myself!" He smiled, and took her hand.

"Good job." And they began walking towards their destination.

...the shadow lurked behind them, and drifted in and out of their numbers, still invisible to them...

Everyone lay low, waiting, watching...Sparky and his gang had left nearly an hour ago, and no word had come back since...

Milandu was next to Behrooz, and she whispered, "If they don't come back, Tristan has a backup plan."

Behrooz turned to her. "What is that?"

"He can call his friends in emergencies, so if they try anything dangerous, they can get here quick."

"That's definitely a good thing."

"Yeah."

Behrooz turned back to her. She was snickering. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing in particular..."

"Right." She almost choked up in her laughter. Behrooz patted her on the back, but she began to be unable to gasp in air. He gave her the heimlich, and about twenty grapes flew or spewed out of her mouth. He shook his head and laughed. "Weird..." He turned his head just in time to see a grape bonk a nearby Sue on the head.

Crevan was trying to swallow twenty grapes as well, but it was exceedingly difficult.

Between her and Bitten, Hamlet was cringing, trying to down twenty-one grapes. She squeezed the seemingly bowling ball-sized grapes down her throat. Then, she got the last one down, jumped up, and burped. "I WIN!" she screamed, and they all leaped on her and got her down.

"DOWN!" Boxy saved her, because a moment later, a Sue turned and looked in their direction, only slightly suspicious from the scream and sudden huge blob of movement. She glanced her shifty eyes around, then headed back to her post.

Its...

"ORRICK! LOOKY! THERE'S EVERYBODY!" cried Mizel. He grinned at Mika, and they raced towards it. Everyone else followed suit. The shadow caught up with Raanan, and suddenly appeared in mortal form.

"ARGHHH! YE BEST SURRENDER NOW, OR BEWARE THE FURY OF ME BLADE!" Raanan jumped.

"Ahh!" he sqeaked. The other being laughed and took off the bushy hat. "Clove, what is wrong with you?" Raanan asked, rolling his eyes. The other It laughed even harder, then shook his head.

"Nothing at all, Raanan, nothing at all..." And he headed towards the others. Raanan rolled his eyes again, but followed the group. Mal and Tristan and Aidan ran out to meet their friends. Tristan and Orrick gave each other a hug. As Clove passed her, Mal smiled at Aidan.

Tayten jumped at Tristan. He was shocked, but he asked, "What is it, Tay?"

"WHERE IS LANDROVAL!?"

"He went with Sparky to go get something. Don't worry, he'll be right back."

"Okay..." She turned and chased a butterfly. Clove came up to them. He shook Tristan's hand.

"Hey, man, I haven't seen you in a while," he said.

"You too." Tristan smiled.

"Hey, uh, where's your leader?" Mal overheard and started whistling "Take me to your Leader".

"She's right there, next to the grape tree. But you might want to duck or something, so the Sues don't see you!" Tristan said, and Clove grinned.

"Okay! Thanks!" And he took off, becoming only a shadow to the mortal eye. He saw the camels, morphed into an It again, ducked down low, and whispered, "Where's the leader?" They turned and looked at him.

"You mean Elrond? Or do you mean Behrooz? Or Bitten?" they asked.

"Uhh...whoever's in charge, I guess. I just got here."

"Oh, well, in that case, you might want to see Behrooz. He has a bunch of...well, things that are needed. He's right...about ten feet from that grape tree right there. See it?"

"Yeah. Thanks!"

"No problem!" The camel would have watched Clove the entire way, but Clove disappeared again. He came up behind a large camel, and a cloaked person.

"I need to speak to Behrooz," he whispered. Behrooz turned around. Clove took form again.

"That's me, what do you need?"

"I...do you have any things you need? Like, from the Sues?"

"Wait, wait. Are you the one that Tristan was talking about, Clove?"

"That'd be me."

"So you can disappear, correct?"

"You mean like this?" He snickered as he took to his shadow.

"Yeah." Clove changed back.

"You could do a little...Spying." Clove's eyes twinkled.

"I'm your man." Behrooz smiled, and they created a plan.

Mal looked at the horizon, as the sun was just going down, throwing flames of red and orange across the sky. Aidan sat down next to her.

"Um, want some breadsticks?" he offered. She smiled, and took one.

"Thanks."

"No problem." She ate it, piece by piece. She was stunned at the taste.

"Is this Fazoli's?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"'Cause it is really good." Aidan grinned.

"Glad you like them."

Mal laughed. "Yep, good old Fazoli's." She looked at him, and he winked.

Clove...

Clove passed the outer wall of the Sue encampment, and came to a large tent. He went around the tent, and came to another wall, but this time a very strong-looking stone wall. He started the climb. A couple of minutes, bruises, and falls later, he had made it inside. There, he saw the back of a huge chair. It was at least seven feet high. He walked around to the front of it. There were cushions, cushions, cushions of all sizes piled on the chair, and, sitting in it like a lazy cat, Will Turner listened to the Sue laying across him.

"My dear Will," she said, brushing his face with her oh-so-delicate hand, "I do not see why you have not loved me." Clove took a second look. Was she wearing _clothes_!?

"I have loved you, since the wondrous day I met you," he answered.

"You have not shown me so. If you do, then why do you refuse my request?" She stood and turned away from him oh-so-graciously. Clove sighed. _Disgusting. _He spat at her. _Females. _He shook his head, and then watched Will's mouth open and close pointlessly.

"You wish for the tanks, I know. But whatever for? At least answer my-" Clove shot in.

"Stupid." Apparentally they didn't hear him, but he laughed anyway.

"-question."

"We are losing so many of our kind to it." The icky Sue began her jabbering again. "The enemy has figured it out, the surprise is no longer. She stepped up to him again, and whispered in his ear, "We long for a new power." Clove leaned in, trying to hear better. "We wish for the..." she paused. "We wish for...Cupid."

;) Ohh, Its flirting! Wait...they're Its. How in the world does that WORK!?

_Ah, Mal in love, what a strange sight...and with TWO people...huh, a love triangle...WITH ONLY TWO PEOPLE! AHAHAHA!...I' m done. Betcha can't guess who they are! GUESS THEN! Heheheh...first person to guess correctly...hmmm...OOH! Gets to ride Zbigniew! Yeah!!!! _

**Fazoli's breadsticks are trademark of Fazoli's. Yeah. They are really good.**


	9. It Takes an It

Anda THA MOOOOON!

Chapter 9:

It Takes An It

"Invisible People Need to Learn to Count on their Fingers"

Clove was sitting next to Behrooz, reporting the information he had collected. "And after she said that, Will-" Bitten spat at this point. "-said, 'I feel that I have no choice. If I refuse, I lose my love.' He said it in that way he snottishly does-" Bitten interrupted him.

"That way that reminds you of a duck with a stick up its butt?"

"Yeah, that type of way, and the girl laughed snootily and gave him a rather vamprish-looking smooch, and then he called some other person and told them to call upon Cupid, and that's when I left."

Behrooz pondered the reasons behind the Sues' motives. "Why do they want Cupid when they have speed?"

"Because then whoever Cupid shoots has almost no chance against the Sues. With speed, we can still kill them and not fall head over heels for them."

"I suppose so, Bitten. Hmm...Clove!" Said It listened carefully. "I want you and your gang to go and gather more info. We need to know how to attack Cupid, and yet not let the Sues know."

"Someone else?" Clove asked.

"Yes. I want you to be sneaky, and I want someone else who can find things that might be of use."

"Ahh. You mean you want a thief?"

"Pretty much."

"Gotcha." Clove headed towards his buddies again, to pick someone. His mind rolled over his friends; one of them stuck, but he wasn't sure if he could be that forward.

"Clove," said Raanan, "want to play some hearts?" _I'm thinking of a heart right now..._Clove slapped himself for that outrageous thought. "You okay?"

"Just fine. Uhhh, I can't play now, 'cause Behrooz has me on a mission to spy on the Sues, and he wants me to bring..." His eyes turned toward... "Mal." She seemed shocked. Clove suddenly realized the mistake he'd made. Aidan and Mal were..._holding hands. _Clove's eyes lost their twinkle for a second. "And everyone else too." The Its laughed, but Clove wasn't sure if they were laughing _with _him, or _at _him. But he quickly regained his composure as Raanan stepped forward.

"Bring it on, Clove, bring it on."

Sparky and Vijay and their friends landed behind a wall, directly across from the huge tanks. Sparky whispered some orders along. "Now, we all gotta fly in one big moment, and just grab 'em before the demons have a chance to react." Vijay passed the message along. "Alright, on my count..." He looked up and down the the fence he was barely hiding behind. "One..." The dragons tensed. "Two..." They gathered up their wings. "Three!" They took off like a herd of Olympic sprinters. "Vijay! Take the needles!" Vijay grabbed a bag of huge needles and dashed off. About four dragons and Sparky lifted up a tank, and headed off with it. Another group of six took another tank, another group of seven took another tank, and the remaining two picked up needles and helped the others with the tanks.

Vijay was in the lead, and he was soaring like the wind. Sparky and his five buds were close behind, pulling the tank with intense strength. The other two groups were a little delayed, because the Sues had seen them and were shooting at them.

Suddenly, there was a sick tension in the air. Landroval had been shot. He was the leader of the group of six, and if he fell...well, let's just say that the other dragons were slightly blind. It was a...boating accident. Anyway, Landroval was shot with the deep cut of a poisoned arrow. He gasped as it shocked him, and all his followers waited for his strength. If his strength was not enough, they would lose that tank...and six dragons.

Landroval's blood pumped through his wound, and the poison carried itself around his veins. His breath ceased; his heart stopped. He became rather dizzy, and he felt his wings give way...

"Alright, now, I'm gonna be kinda tired after this, so..." Clove tried to think of something that might regain his energy after he used it on his friends.

"Dr. Pepper?" Mika asked, and a DP landed in Clove's hand.

"Thanks, Mika!" He took a slurp.

"You're a peach..." Mal mumbled.

"Okay," Clove began, "I have to do one by one. NOW BE QUIET WHEN YOU'RE INVISIBLE!!!!" he screamed. The entire crowd shut up. "One!" He pointed a finger at Mizel, and the being disappeared. "Two!" He pointed at Tayten, and she became as a shadow also. "Three!" Tristan. "Four!" Orrick. "Five!" Raanan. "Six!" Mika. "Seven!" Mal. And so on, until the entire group was invisible. Clove took a few fresh breaths of air, exhausted. He would need a refreshment soon. His DP was gone like the wind.

"Jelly belly?" Mal asked, and she plopped some jelly beans into his hand. He swallowed them gratefully.

"Thanks," he said, taking a few breaths. "Wait...where did you get those? We don't have a Shopko anywhere near here..." he mumbled, unsure of his words. Mal just smiled the You're-kind-of-an-idiot-but-I-won't-disown-you-yet-because-I-like-being-condescending smile. She snapped her fingers and a pile of jelly bellys appeared in her hand.

"That's my gift." She handed him the sugary treats.

"Making jelly bellys?" he asked, taking the jelly bellys.

"Yep."

"Sweet."

"LANDROVAL!" screamed one of the dragons in said Eagle's group. The dragon dove for the falling Landroval. The Eagle suddenly felt his strength coming back, and he pushed the tank with all his strength, so much so that the other dragons weren't needed. They clapped at his return of strength. But, their clapping ceased when they saw their other friend, the dragon named Alegirotuby (a-lay-gee-row-to-be, or however you feel like pronouncing it), had fallen in trying to save the Eagle.

"Alegirotuby..." one of the dragons mumbled in mourning. The dragon with a very long name had been clipped in the wing by another arrow, and he had fallen in the midst of the Sues.

Bitten and Behrooz watched a certain Sue grab a bottle, take out a needle, suck up the contents of the bottle, and inject herself with what was in the needle. Behrooz sighed.

"Do you think that's speed?" Bitten asked.

"I can't think of anything else it would be."

Bitten glanced around. All of her buddies would be a little setback if she did it, but the urge... "HEY SUE! GET YOUR UGLY BUTT OVER HERE SO I CAN CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!" The sue suddenly looked up from a piece of paper she had been looking at. All of the waiting people sitting around Bitten grew wide-eyed and stared at her in surprise.

"Who are you to command me?" the Sue regurgitated (cough) refuted.

"MY SICKLE!" Bitten pulled out her sickle again, and ran towards the Sue.

"You cannot command me!" The Sue suddenly stretched out her hand towards Bitten, and a bluish light shot out of her palm. The light struck Bitten with a horrendous pain. "I will not be commanded. I command." The Sue dropped her hand, and Bitten fell to the ground. The Sue lifted her hand again, and Bitten got up immediately. The Sue chuckled. "You see? I am Aria, and none command me, save for Will," she gushed. She stepped toward Bitten, whose eyes were now twitching. Aria flipped her head, causing her light brown hair to fall lusciously across her shoulders. She bent over, looking directly into Bitten's face, and letting everyone see her particularily low dress nearly fall off from its lowness. "You are mine." She clenched her hand in a rather spidery-looking way, and Bitten writhed in pain at her own body's unnatural twisting and curling.

Bitten only smirked. "Maybe you think you have me, but I have two words." Aria's eyes flashed with horror.

"NEVER! I MUTE YOU!" She smacked Bitten across the face, but to no avail.

"YOU'RE FAT!" Aria's shoulders jerked upwards, and her head twitched, and her body flailed about like a mace. Then, like boiling water, she bubbled into nothing. Bitten laughed. "I win."

Two beings sat in a rather large, dark tent. There was no light inside; the room smelled like warm apple cider. One of them sat on a cushion, with fire in her eyes, speaking. The other sat on a very comfortable couch, with closed eyes, listening.

"You hear only the sound of my voice. Close your eyes...you hear only the sound of my voice..." said the first. The second consentrated on the voice of the first. "You hear only the sound of my voice...what do you hear, my love?"

"I hear only the sound of your voice..."

"Very good..." the first cooed. "Do you remember your name?" The second strained to remember. "I sense that you do not...do you remember my name?"

"Yes...Cecelia..."

"Good...you hear only the sound of my voice...you hear only the sound of my voice..." Cecelia repeated. "Do you remember what you are?"

"No...but I remember...having many friends...but we were...stealing from someone..."

"Yes, my love. You were stealing from me. You hear only the sound of my voice. Your friends deserted you. Do you yet care for them?"

"No...they were stealing..."

"Yes, they were stealing something very important to me. Do you know where they were taking it?"

"Back to...my camp...back to...a person...no, he was an elf..."

"Do you remember his name?"

"It...started with an E..."

"Was it Elrond?"

"Yes, that's it...Elrond..."

"Good. You hear only the sound of my voice. Now, I must feel your wing. Does it yet hurt?"

"Yes..."

"Then let me clear it from your mind." Cecelia began her ranting again. "You hear only the sound of my voice..." She said that sentence about a dozen more times, and then began her actual brainwashing. "Your friends were mean to you...I will show you." She stretched out her hand, and touched the other being's forehead. "See what they have done..." He saw in his mind, his friends beating him and laughing at him and locking him in a closet. "Do you see how they have treated you? Do you yet call them your friends?"

"No...they are my enemies..."

"Good...would you help me, my love?"

"Of course, Cecelia..."

"I want you to destroy them. They were so unkind to you, let them leave this world."

"Of course...you are right...they must be destroyed..."

"Good, now, you no longer feel your wing. You no longer feel pain...you no longer feel sadness. You feel only joy...you feel only love for me...you feel only want to serve the master..."

"I want to serve the master..."

"Who is the master, my love?"

"Will..."

"Good, good...you feel only want to serve me by getting rid of unkind people..."

"I want to get rid of unkind people..."

"You only want to destroy those unkind people..."

"I want to destroy the unkind people..."

"Good, you are close to being ready...I must show you one more thing..." She touched his forehead again. This time, he saw his old friends stabbing his wing with a very sharp dagger. He saw himself crying in pain, and then he saw a female figure...it was Cecelia...and he saw a male figure...who must have been Will, and he saw them bandaging his wound, and giving him some cold water to drink. "Do you remember now?"

"Yes, you helped me..."

"Yes, and who else?"

"Will..."

"Yes...you have awakened. You must open your eyes now." She touched his eyelids softly, and he opened his eyes. "Now go, and destroy those people. You have awakened from your sleep, Monticello."

"Of course that is my name, how could I forget? Monticello...I will destroy them, for you, Cecelia."

"Good, my love. Go..." She gently nudged him, and he went out of the tent, and flew towards the Insanity.

_Umm, the credits for the hypnotizing are an inspiration from Frank Peretti's book, _This Present Darkness_. It's a really good book, and...yeah. I like it. A lot. Note: I just recently figured out that hypnosis is NOT GOOD. So therefore it is muchly a Sueish thing. (cough cough) I mean it's a bad thing that people who you don't know at all do it... Well, hope you liked this month's DOUBLE CLIFFIE! YEAH! _

_...Dancin' in the Moonlight..._


	10. Ganging Up Isn't Nice

Okay, so we're onto the tensies! ...wow, I didn't think I could ever get this intense...

OH YEAH! Bitten has to tell an intense story. It isn't actually that intense, but...anyway, I recently have been going back to the old school Ocarina of Time (on the N64, really!) ...and, I was racing that blasted Ingo for Epona, and I was doing the second race, and I felt my pulse going THUD THUD THUD and it was uber intense. Oh, goodness gracious I hate the hands on the ceiling...you know, in the Forest Temple, you have to go through this one room where you have to keep moving...and watch out for the shadows from the creatures on the walls...holy cow, I've been scared of those ever since I started playing when I was like, eight...man...holy crap, I really have to work myself up to be able to go through that room...man it scares me. Anyway, sorry for that little...um...heart-pounding story...

Chapter 10:

Ganging Up isn't Nice

"Crevan, you have a letter." The Random Scout handed Crevan a letter. She opened it with a very sharp nail that for some reason was in her hand, and smelled the contents. (of the envelope, dufus, not the nail)

"Anthrax!" she gasped, and fell over. Behrooz sighed in weirded-outitation. (word) She stood up again, and took out the letter inside. She sat down, and unfolded the many folds of the letter. Then, she began reading the letter aloud. "This is a message from the IRS. You have failed to pay the last $300's worth of beanbags, and your rent has been failed to be paid for the last twelve hours. Please send your check to us with your money enclosed. Inside this envelope is a Self Addressed You-have-to-stamp-it Envelope. Thank you. You also owe $20.00 in Ice Breakers Cubes..." Crevan rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah." She stood up and handed the envelope to Behrooz. Then she gave him a burning stare. "Burn it." And Behrooz never answered a command as fast as he did then. (did that make any sense? I think my grammar is worsening) He grabbed the envelope and tossed it into a bonfire nearby.

Sparky and Vijay and the others hurried back to the camp. Landroval and his group lamented over their lost friend, Alegirotuby. Vijay dropped the needles, and Sparky and his group threw the tank into a heap nearby. Sparky waved a direction to the oncoming tank-carriers, and they dumped their tank on top of Sparky's. They did that with Landroval's group also, and then the entire group of flyers landed down by Behrooz and Bitten. Tayten came running up.

"Landro-Land-" she stuttered, trying to pronounce his name.

The Eagle picked her up with a gentle swoop of his wing. "You can call me Tiger," he said. (snort)

She looked at him with big blue eyes and asked, "Can I have a ride, Tiger?" He laughed.

"Sure, I don't see why not!" He took off, and burst into the sky with perfect precision.

Sparky sighed. "You lost one?" he asked, turning to "Tiger"'s group.

"Yeah," answered one, "Alegirotuby. He was a great guy...he brought me pancakes one day for no reason..." He sniffled. "I'm realling gonna miss him..." His eyes welled up with tears. "I just wish he hadn't..." He burst outcrying.

"Behrooz, we need to attack now," Bitten commanded. Behrooz turned to her from laughing with Crevan about some strange racist joke about horses.

"Got it covered. Clove's got the whole It gang going in."

"Going in!? They'll be seen a mile away!"

"Nah, he's got that covered too. He's got some trick up his sleeve, somehow or rather, and he-"

Bitten finished the sentence. "Can disappear. Yeah. All Its have some power or rather. Well, that's handy, anyway..." She grabbed some tuna, and stuffed it in her mouth. Behrooz thought asking her how she knew that, but her face was spewing pieces of chewed tuna, so it was rather impossible...at least it would have been nearly impossible to interpret whatever she might have answered.

Clove called everyone to attention, and then he began his commands. "Everyone, I want you to take a buddy, and scatter throughout the entire Sue camp. Destroy whatever you can, and listen in on what they're saying and make sure you remember it, and on my signal, everyone, with your buddy, attack a nearby Sue! I think they outnumber us, but I might be wrong. Anyway, do NOT attack a Sue on your own! Make sure you and your buddy are in it together! Clear?" There was a group "Clear!" Clove smiled. "Then let's rock this thing." They all ran towards the Sue camp, already with buddies. Except Clove. He was gonna catch a ride soon...

* * *

Cecelia ran to Will. She was being followed by about six Its, but she didn't notice. She ran right to her master. "Master! I have succeeded in taking one of the enemies!" 

"Taking? Did you destroy it, or-"

"No, he was susceptible. He was easily overthrown." The six Its who were following her-Mal, Aidan, Mal's friend Shae, Mika, Mizel, and another one by the name of Zilch-quickly formed a huddle.

"Okay, we need to get info. Who is this guy she's talking about?" Aidan said. Shae stepped in.

"I can do it..." he whispered with a sly smile, "easily." He stepped out of the huddle, and bent over Cecelia's shoulder. He whispered gently in her ear, "What's his name?"

"His name has become Monticello," she said, thinking that Will had asked her a question.

"What is he?"

"He is a dragon, fallen from the enemy. They were stealing our secret weapon, and one of them fell, and Monticello dove for him, landing himself amidst us."

"What was his name before?"

"I never knew his real name."

"What color was he?"

"He was a grayish black. He looked like smoke falling at first, but we discerned it after a slight examination."

"Thank you, Cecelia."

"You're welcome." Shae turned towards his fellows.

"Got all that?" He grinned.

"How did you know her name, and how did you get her to answer all those questions? And..." Mizel was astonished.

"I got tricks up my sleeve," Shae winked. Another Sue came up to Will.

"We have caught one sneaking in," said she. The Its listened closely. "He will be easily removed..."

"Yes. We need no more."

"Of course, master." She turned away and went the way she had come.

"Alright, me and Zilch will take this one, while you guys try to get more out of her," said Shae. They all agreed, and Shae and Zilch followed the Sue. She finally came up to a certain man, and grabbed a needle.

"Fill it with T.O.." She handed the needle to another person working there, and the person took it and filled it with a mysterious swamp-looking liquid. She handed it back, and the Sue took it. She immediately jabbed the man with it. Very quickly, it was obvious that he was finished.

* * *

Mizel and Mika were breaking tons of things: chairs, lamps, sofas, tables, jewelry, books, clothes, (oh the horrid dresses) makeup, fake fingernails, contacts, needles, and many other things. They were having a great time, talking to each other and breaking things, ah, what fun. 

Mal and Aidan were listening to Will and a lot of Sues discuss strategy, Cupid-calling, the loss of speed, and a lot of other things. Mal had stolen a notepad and was scribbling down notes while Aidan was taking pictures with a stolen camera.

Behrooz and Bitten were quickly thinking up a backup plan, and Sparky and a few others listened in, and a told the others.

Hamlet was reading Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing", and related it to her current situation. She was starting to fear that the grass would grow before any battle started, and everyone would get chiggers and die.

Crevan was calling some of her box friends on her new Chocolate©, and making bead necklaces for them at the same time.

Keanu and Ryu and Willow had resorted to playing a game of Monopoly, while Zbigniew watched and played with the metal top hat.

Kaden and Kiley were creating a giraffe out of a bush, and the squirrels and Al and Spice were nearby telling evil cat stories.

Elrond and his elves were designing a map of the Sue camp, based on information taken from Clove, and the Ents were practicing their skill at bowling.

The Hobbits were hanging out with the dragons, watching Vijay dance like crazy, and Landroval flew Tayten around for a while.

The Random Scout was busy cutting his fingernails with a hedge trimmer.

The cows were trying to find a bite to eat, and were beginning to look very hungrily at the diaperlings. The diaperlings were busy, however, coloring outside the lines.

Bluey was shivering in a corner as Freddy read him a bedtime story.

The dwarves were looking at their axes and looking at Bitten's sickle and feeling rather jealous.

Aragorn was sharpening his dagger, and all the little forest creatures watched with big eyes as he made shreds of fire fly from his sharp metal weapon.

The bags were picking up pieces of trash that the Sues had left around, and were putting it into one particularily stenchy bag, named Banana. He was a little tired of carrying around the stinky trash, and kinda felt jealous of those nice, clean Ziplocs over there, but he knew what his job was and he knew how to do it. So he was gonna walk it off.

Boxy and the Toothpaste were playing checkers, and Boxy was winning. By a lot. He had three kings, and another two pieces one move from becoming kings, and the other four were back guarding his back line. Toothpaste had approxamately two checkers. One was cornered, the other was very close to being cornered. Yes.

Tom Bombadil was eating some ice cream.

I think that's everybody, so we'll go back to...

* * *

Aidan and Mal! They were looking at her notes and his pictures, since Will wasn't talking to anyone, only making out with a rather grotesquely dressed (or, lack thereof) Sue, who, and though Mal and Aidan didn't know it, was very definitely NOT the same Sue who had gotten Will to call for Cupid. Ugh. Will is so "Sue's man"-ish. Buh-arf.

* * *

"I think I'm being stalked," said Sparky. He looked behind him as Tayten and Landroval stared at him from behind a hedge. 

"We have a stalker," said Crevan.

"Yeah," Willow piped up. "We've had him for like, six months. But he gave us doughnuts, so he's cool."

"What if they were...POISONED doughnuts!?" Kaden exclaimed.

"No...they were only a little greenish." Keanu remembered the greenish look of the doughnuts...

Hamlet rushed up to Boxy and the Toothpaste. She gasped. "CHECKERS!"

"You can play...loser," said the Toothpaste. Boxy coughed.

"Wonder who that'll be..." he muttered.

* * *

Shae and Zilch looked at each other. "T.O.?" they both asked. 

"I dunno," said Zilch. "But I'll remember it and tell Vor."

"Good idea, she knows all those weird ingredients and crap..."

"Yeah."

* * *

"CPAP!" Clove screamed. Everyone turned and stared at him. He turned to Behrooz and Bitten. "I counted the Sues, and there are approxamately..." Tayten stepped up. 

"Two million, seven hundred, thirty six thousand, two hundred and one Sues." She grinned.

"And that's not counting Stues. There are about seven hundred Its." A certain diaperling heard the commotion and stepped up.

"That means that da Its will have appwoxamately three thousand, nine hundwed and eight point eight five eight five seven one fouw thwee Sues to take cawe of. Each."

"Thank you, Jude," Pooky called.

"No pwoblem!"

"So, either we pull back," Behrooz contemplated. "Or, we could send in more people..."

"Or we could challenge Will to a one-to-one," Bitten suggested.

"Who would do it?" he asked. She only smiled. "If you lost, we would be in big trouble."

"But if I win..."

"No, Bitten, I will only do that as a last resort. If everyone dies, then you can challenge Will. But for the present...if Cupid comes, as Clove as said, the Its will be in horrid trouble."

"But if they're all invisible-"

"They will be noticed and fought as soon as they make their first strike. We must...hm...what if we sent in one person, and had them attack, and as soon as they were ambushed, call everyone else, and have them come and take the Sues by surprise?"

"Like bait?"

"Yeah...but do you think anyone would have the guts to do it?"

...a few hours later...

Aidan ran towards the Sue camp, alone, and unarmed...

_Heheh, Bitten is so mean to her readers..._

_BUT HEY! I gave you three chapters for the price of one, eh? Pretty cool._


	11. Aidan the Conquerer

Okay, here's cliffie number 11...hehe, now I must put that line in...

Chapter 11:

Aidan the Conqueror

"On a Scale of One to Ten, you are Eleven!"

"I must need something wondermous to ride on!" Bitten declared. "Find me something, Scout," she said, poking him. Random Scout ran away. "Meh..."

* * *

Aidan ran up the hill towards the Sue camp, coming nearer and nearer to the fence. He was still invisible, but he wouldn't be for long. If Clove passed out, or fell asleep, or lost control or something, the invisibility would come off like butter. Also, if Aidan started attacking the Sues directly, they would soon enough be able to figure out where he was. Yes, Aidan was pessimistic that way. But anyway, he quickly climbed the fence and looked around. He was close to being in the midst of some creepy Sues talking and giggling.

"Have you seen the way that Will looks at that one girl? He totally has the hots for her," one said, her eyes making a very scary...look.

"If only I could be her..." another sighed.

"I am like, WAY sexier than her! I don't even see why Will loves her and not me," yet another said, puffing her curly hair. Aidan counted them. One...two...three...seven of them! He clapped his hands, and then held tightly on to the fence.

"If only I could get to kiss him, he would totally be mine. Do you think I should put more lipstick-" she ended abruptly as the ground started to shake beneath them. "Earthquake!"

"Maybe those big tree-things are throwing rocks again," said the one who had been sighing before. Aidan laughed to himself. He hadn't known that they were so _stupid_. He watched as another earthquake began, causing the earth to shake in two totally different directions. The ground cracked open, showing an intensely deep chasm. Aidan snickered, and started another earthquake. The chasm opened in another place at the end of the first, causing a chasm-y T in the ground. The Sues started screaming their heads off, and a few of them fell in. But Aidan wasn't satisfied.

"Come on, this is fun!" He laughed maliciously, and caused a crater to explode in the ground, and a huge hole opened up. Then he sent a gianourmous rock to pull itself out of the earth and land directly on Will's throne. Unfortunately, Will was not in it at that time. Oh well. There had been a Stu there, sitting on the throne, pretending to be Will. Then Aidan made the ground shiver under about five tents, and then it cracked and a thousand pieces crushed and fell, as though there had been a big hole underneath them the entire time. Many Sues and Stues fell as the pieces of rock fell underneath them. Aidan smiled slyly. The Sues had no idea what was going on. He twiddled his thumbs, and a million boulders crashed down upon them. After the wave of boulders, he noticed that a few thousand smart Sues and Stues had escaped the torment, while a few of the not-so-smart ones had not been hurt and joined the smart ones.

Aidan became uninvisible all of a sudden. The saw him, and now he was getting tired, so he rolled up his sleeves, jumped off the fence, and muttered, "Bring it**."  
**

* * *

Random Scout returned. "YAY!" Bitten cried, her joy overflowing as she saw that he had brought...a golf cart.

* * *

Tayten was sitting in the grape tree, giggling. She watched as Landroval looked around pathetically, calling, "Tayten? Where are you?" Every once in a while he'd pass the tree, but he didn't see her..."Tayten, oh, where can she be?" 

He laughed as she jumped out of the tree and cried, "Here I am, Tiger!" She leaped onto his back. Tristan was nearby, smiling. Landroval made her so happy. Orrick was attempting to find a suitable place for the grasshopper, and he finally decided to just set it in a hole in the ground. He sat down next to Tristan.

"She seems fairly easy to please," commented Orrick.

"Yeah, usually she is." They both snickered as Landroval fell into the river.

"Ahh! I told you told you not to do to that!" they heard him say, but then he laughed. "Maybe I shouldn't fly over the river next time..."

"Hehe, maybe not, Tiger," Tayten giggled, and she ran away as soon as he climbed back out of the river.

Mika strolled over, looking rather bored. "What's wrong, Mika?" Orrick asked. She sat down.

"Well, Mizel went to go prove his bravery with Raanan, and Clove went with them, and Aidan went to go battle the Sues, and Mal's reading...and I'm bored." Tristan looked astonished.

"Mal's READING?" he asked, making sure he had heard right.

"Yeah, some book like, _How To Make Fazoli's Breadsticks_ or something." She sighed. "Want an orange?" Said tropical fruit appeared in Orrick's hand.

"Uh...sure..."

"BUAHAHAHA!" They all turned around to see Bitten cackling in her golf cart, speeding along with Random Scout and Al and Spice (wide-eyed and holding on for dear life) in the back. Bitten made a wide turn to miss the tree, and Al almost flew off, but Scout caught her with his foot, and she was okay. Bitten started zigzagging, and then she saw Landroval running away. She locked her eyes on him. "Fool...you cannot run from me..." She pressed down on the pedal, and let out a very scary scream. "BUAAAAHAA! YOU SHALL DIE!"

* * *

Aidan cracked his knuckles as he neared the group, and as soon as he neared Will, he just wound up and socked a Sue who was in his way. A Stu put his hand in front of Aidan, attempting to stop him from getting any closer to Will. Aidan only smirked, and whacked the guy out of his way. Then he noticed that there were three Stues were almost in a line in front of him, so he snickered. He dove forward, tackled the first Stu in front of him, knocking down the other two Stues behind the first. 

Cecelia bound herself to Will, and she cried out. "Oh, darling! Save me from the midget of a monster!" Perhaps she thought that insulting Aidan would hurt him, but really, being called a midget made him even stronger.

"MIDGETS UNITE!" he screeched, jumping on Cecelia, knocking her out of Will's grasp. He lifted his arm, and brought it down with an intense

**THUD!**

on her collarbone. There was a shrill

**CRACK!**

a second after that. She cried out in pain. But that only drove Aidan farther. He grabbed her neck and squeezed it until her scream ended. Then he picked her up and threw her into one of his recently-made pits. Another Stu grabbed at him, but he brought his leg around the Stu's, and tripped him. Another Sue came at him, but he knocked her out with a powerful swing of his arm.

Aidan jumped on a nearby Stu, and yanked his arm around the Stu's neck, and pulled it just right. He held it there for about ten seconds, and immediately he felt the man's knees buckle and his entire body fall to the ground, unconscious. A Sue grabbed Aidan's arm, but he flung it off and upended her with a twist of his leg. The remaining five hundred thousand Stues and Sues began to surround him, blocking off all ways of escape. As he saw that he was outnumbered incredibly, he screamed out as loud as he could.

"TSAARI!!!" he called. His voice carried across the fields, over a few hills, and into the Insanity camp. Each and every one of the Its heard the call. They lifted their heads immediately, and the entire world seemed to freeze for a moment. Then, a misty figure fell from the sky, letting everyone see it. It appeared to be a strange woman, but she seemed slightly different. Tayten gasped.

"Tsaari Queen!" All of the Its (including Aidan) fell prostrate to the Tsaari Queen.

"Cupid is returning, so I must grant you all strength beyond your numbers!" She waved her long-sleeved arm, and each of the Its fell over in pain, but then they suddenly felt a wonderful strength course through them.

"Tsaari, will I ever be like you?" Tayten asked.

The Tsaari Queen smiled. "Your time will come, young one." She turned to Aidan. "Brave one," she said, smiling, "keep it up." Then she disappeared.

"Wow. She's like a god," said one of the dwarves. Mal immediately heard it.

"She's not a god, she's just a leader. There's only one God. He's the one who made the Tsaaris..." Mal smiled, suddenly remembering her younger days.

The Sues and Stues sparked back into life. Aidan felt his legs run with energy. As all of the Sues and Stues jumped at him, he leaped into the air, expecting to be caught in their numbers, but he leaped far higher than he ever thought he could. He leaped so high that each of the Sues and Stues didn't know where he was and rammed into each other.

Meanwhile, the Its and the other armies were running towards the Sue camp with all speed, and Bitten occasionally giving rides to the people that were getting tired. Some of the camels noticed the license plate on the golf cart. They gave each other confused glances. "IM FASTR"...is what it said...yes, very much Bitten.

Aidan threw out his arms, and, to his surprise, a powerful light flew from them, causing a wave of thunder to pass over the field. All of the Its hurried, running towards Aidan with full speed. Then, without hesitation, Mal, who was in the lead, pounced on the first Sue she laid eyes on. "SPIDERS ARE BANANAS!" Hamlet cried, and all the others joined in the war cry. "**SPIDERS ARE BANANAS!**" Tristan, Orrick, Tayten, and all of the other Its quickly came upon their enemies. The rest of the armies came quickly after that, wielding weapons of all types: Axes, bows, arrows, knives, swords, tomahawks (what did you think the squirrels were equipped with? Their claws? Ha! (cough) Right, onward...), lances, spears, daggers, needles, talons, beaks, and even...

"Tayten, are you smacking that Stu with a pan?"

"Yes, Tristan, I am." Stues and Sues kept diving for Tayten, but she only leaped up and hovered while they rammed into each other. Then, a clever-ish Stu came up, and stayed under her, waiting to grab her when she came back down. "TRISTAN! WHAT DO I DO?" Tristan quickly looked up from wrapping up someone's broken rib.

"Tsaari gave us all power! Use it!" He himself had been able to heal more major wounds, and he noticed that many of the Its' powers were incredibly beyond their normal state.

She felt her power, and she whispered, "Tsaari..." Then, she felt an intense power course through her, and she flew, higher than she ever had, and she stayed for much longer, as well. She flew around, passing hills and over fields, and then she remembered the fight, so she went back.

Orrick was going to use his power. Raanan had some strength, but all of the Stues were beginning to figure out his moves now. So, Orrick asked him to use a new trick. Raanan grabbed a Stu, and Orrick came up behind the Stu and bashed his head on the Stu's. He then used his uberly-cool mind powers to make the Stu forget what he was doing. Then, as he sat there, dazed, Orrick would punch him in the face. Or Raanan would do that. They did this for a while, and then the Sues nearby figured out their tricks, so Orrick used another one. He stood in the middle of a circle of Sues, and used his mind powers to make all of them forget the tricks they just learned! Then, they used those tricks again. Heheh...clever little bugger, isn't he?

Back to...Aidan! He landed down on top of some Stues, and he kicked and he threw punches until three Stues and a Sue grabbed him, and he struggled and struggled, until another Sue, her face as beautiful as the sun, came up to him. She looked him closely in the eye, and then snapped her finger. He didn't flinch. She did it again. He started tapping his fingers. "Are you trying to make me fall asleep or something? Cause it isn't working," he said bluntly. Suddenly, when it was least expected, he caused a crack to appear in the ground underneath the three Stues' feet. They immediately let go and fell into the crevasse.

Mal was cutting her way through the mass of creatures with a sharp set of needles, when she saw Aidan. After he had caused the cracks, the Sue had fallen upon him, strangling him. He quickly made it out of her grasp, but then he felt an arrow pierce his shoulder. He turned, and saw Will holding a bow, and looking back at him with a snotty expression. Aidan pulled out the arrow, and amidst the blood, he saw a dark stain. He sighed. It was a sedative. He started breathing slowly, but then he turned again, and he saw...Mal. She leaped over the remaining creatures between them, and just as he started falling into unconsciousness, she caught him, and squeezed his shoulder violently. A little bit of blackish blood oozed out.

"Deep breath..." she said to herself. She brought her mouth to his wound, and sucked with all of her might. As soon as she thought she had taken enough, she pulled her mouth off and spat. She quickly filled her mouth with jelly beans. Aidan's eyes opened drearily. He quickly pulled himself up when he saw that she was holding him. He lashed out at the Sue, and, in a instant, his fist hit her temple and she fell.

"Thanks," he said quickly, running after Will. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

_Wow, you guys didn't know Aidan was so heartless, did you? Heheh..._

_Man, summer's almost over...dang...well, I'll keep up the stories still, so keep reading! Okay! Happy last days of summer!_


	12. Pickles Should Not Be Eaten with Forks

"Hello, guys! The story's on the way, because Bitten had to go to McDonald's to pick up Crevan and get us some lunch, but in the meantime, I can show you around the place!"

"Keanu!"

"Yeah, Ryu?"

"I'm gonna take Willow over to tomatoe-smashing class, okay?"

"Okay! Well, this is our main room right here, and it is where we have a TV, and some couches, and a microwave and an oven. And there's a fridge there, so we can just eat and watch TV and chill out, and Bitten can show us the stories. Over here is the hallway, and there are three doors this way. In the first door is Bitten's writing area, where she, you know, writes her stories. There's a big window in here, and it's pretty cool to look out. Bitten says she uses it to get inspiration. We don't let Aidan in here because he comes in with a bunch of bungee cords and then he starts playing with the window. Freak...anyway, back in here, this other door-well, it's not a door, it's a doorway-is the front room, where the desk is and Crevan or Ryu do the paperwork.

"This also doubles as the interviewing room, and it's where Bob used to work. There are a lot of windows in here. We don't let Tristan in here, cause he's afraid of heights. And Mizel sometimes goes streaking in here...we're not sure why...ANYWAY! Sometimes we have birthday parties in here, and Behrooz said we can let fans say "Happy Birthday" to their favorite character. Besides, that means extra presents!"

"Keanu!"

"What, Behrooz?"

"We don't do it for the presents! We do it to be nice!"

"I know! Eh, he doesn't get it...well, the last door goes to the big screen TV room, and there are also the costumes, props, set pieces, and scripts in here. There's also an elevator to get to the set rooms upstairs. Pretty cool. Sometimes Boxy will go into the elevator and won't come out for a long time. Crevan says he enjoys going up and down in it...but anyway, that's the place! Now, I'm gonna go and get a doughnut in the main room. Hmm...sounds like Lizzy's talking to someone..."

"Bitten, we don't need any chicken nuggets! THEY'RE MADE OF WATER AND SALT AND PAPER MACHÉ!"

"Oooh...cream-filled ones..."

"ARGH! THE BLOODY PHONE DIED AGAIN!"

"I wonder if Ryu will find out..."

"Grr..."

"Hmm, the phone's ringing again."

"KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!"

"Lizzy's screaming again, and what is that guy on the other line saying?"

"Ehh! Sorry! I just needed to talk to the computer guy...but maybe I called the Asylum..."

"Lizzy threw the phone down..."

"Keanu!"

"What what?"

"Bitten just faxed the story!"

"Okay! Well, I guess the tours done...hope you guys liked the tour!"

-Keanu

_Hi, guys! Did you like Keanu's tour? Okay! On to story!_

Chapter 12:

Pickles Should Never Be Eaten On Forks

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Aidan screamed, running towards Will. "Mika!"

"What what?"

"I need a hugantical weapon of some sort!" Mika sighed and rolled her eyes, but gave him a rather odd-looking weapon. "What is THIS!?"

"It's your own customized weapon!"

"It has three edges!"

"It's special!"

"Okay..." Aidan turned towards Will. "THIS CUSTOMIZED WEAPON WILL BE YOUR CUSTOMIZED DEATH!" He raised his three-edged spear/sword thing. "BUAHAHA!" He ran at Will, cackling wildly as he gripped his weapon. Then he felt an arrow pierce his neck. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around.

Cupid lowered his bow. "Foolish mortal." Cupid stood with an entire army of Sues and Stues behind him.

"YOU THINK I'M A MORTAL!?" Aidan screamed. "I'M AN IT! ONE OF THE IMMORTAL TSAARIS!" He lowered his tone. "And you, diaper boy, have no right to be talking about stupidity. I mean, I'm not the one with the girly tiara or the Miss America sash." Aidan smirked as Cupid looked self-consciously at his diaper.

"You are incredibly retarded!"

"It takes one to know one, stooge."

"Then you would know all of these people, wouldn't you?" Cupid retorted, pointing at Mizel and Mika and Keanu and Spice at a poker table.

"You apparently can't-" Aidan was suddenly was cut off by a horrible pain. The poison from the arrow was sinking in. He blinked his eyes, trying to shut off the pain.

"AIDAN!" Mal shrieked, and he turned around. He blinked again.

"...Mal?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. He started feeling bubbly. She looked at him in confusion. He suddenly felt a horrible urge to kiss her, and he involuntarily dove at her. She easily dodged him, and as soon as he got up, she slapped him. "Ah!" He nursed his cheek. "What was that for?" He looked at her with wide eyes, very much unlike him, and grabbed her hand.

"SNAP OUT OF IT!" she screamed in his ear, and she pulled out the arrow in his neck. He looked horribly shocked for a second. Then the weird light in his eyes disappeared, but he still stared at her.

* * *

Bitten snickered as she carefully put her sickle and knife set into the back of her golf cart. "Hamlet, I want you to fetch my pistol..."

* * *

Crevan was busy having a rough fight with a Stu who had been trying to steal Boxy. He tried to punch her, but she dodged his fist and kicked him in the face. Then he grabbed her, and she pulled her leg around his and flipped him over. Then she leaped on him and pulled her arm around his neck, and got his head into a head lock. She then decked him over the head, and grabbed his cologne that was now falling out. She sprayed it into the eyes of another Sue, who was trying to grab Crevan's wallet. 

"Stay away from the wallet." Crevan socked her in the face, and then pulled a certain point in her neck and held it for a few seconds. After those few seconds, the Sue fainted. She grabbed the Sue's backpack, and tore it open, and took out Boxy, cradling him in her arms. "Boxy...are you okay?" she asked, glaring at the stupid Sue. "She will pay..."

* * *

"Mal...I...wow..." Aidan stared at her, and then he took her into his arms and kissed her. Then suddenly he let go, realizing what he'd just done. "I shouldn't have...I'm sorry..." He slapped himself, but Mal laughed. 

"Nah, don't be," Mal said, and she kissed him back. Then they both noticed that nearly the entire company of both Sues and Insanes were staring at them.

"Erkl..." was all Mizel could say. Mika's eye twitched.

"END!" she screamed, and suddenly an anvil fell between Aidan and Mal. Tristan held up a finger, and opened his mouth, but then he put his finger down again.

"We can't go on together," began Zbigniew, and then Crevan joined in. "With suspicious minds!"

"Oh!" Crevan sang. "Um...I don't know the rest of the song..." Crevan looked at her feet.

"Then let's sing a different one!" Zbigniew cleared his throat. "I can see what's happening," and Crevan smiled.

"What?"

"And they don't have a clue!"

"Who?"

"And with all this romantic atmosphere," Zbigniew smiled too.

"Disaster's in the air!" They harmonized! Who knew that Crevan (and Zbigniew) was such a good singer? Not Hamlet, apparentally...

"Can you feel," Crevan began.

"The love tonight?" they sang together. Aidan sighed. Mal yawned.

"Okay, are you guys done yet?" Mal asked.

"His face is so romantic," Crevan started her verse. "He gives me such a fire. And when he touches me, I feel like I could fly!" (they were improvising)

"Can you feel the love tonight? It's so pretty green...ladida, the love in the air, makes you so happy!"

Zbigniew started his solo. "Wow, look at her smile...when she looks at me, I feel a love that burns like no other, and she makes me sing!" Mal punched Aidan in the face.

"'Sing' is a strong word..." Zilch muttered. "I've heard Aidan 'Sing'..." Orrick's eye twitched.

"Ohhh...the horror..." Clove muttered. Shae started choking up.

* * *

"Kiley, my hair looks like a monstrosity." Kaden winced as she looked at her reflection in a little pond. 

"Maybe that's because the pond has algae growing in it," Kiley suggested, and they both looked closer at the pond. Kaden gasped. "FROG! CATCH IT! CATCH IT!"

* * *

Bitten sat in her golf cart with Hamlet, listening to some pretty much awesome music. Then they noticed two Stues nearby. "Hamlet," Bitten whispered. "Should I run them over?" Hamlet giggled. 

"Yes, mine friend. Let us take part in viewing their disgraceful death." Bitten laughed, and started up the engine.

"Asta lavista, worthless pests!" Bitten screeched, and the tires turned in the Stues' direction. Bitten stomped on the pedal, and the cart took off. She got close to one of the Stues, but he was somewhat intelligent and he dodged out of the way. But the other one was not so lucky. Bitten ran him over, and then turned back to the other one.

"Your doom is nigh," Hamlet whispered in a very dark tone.

Greetings, mine friends. This beeth Hamlet! I simply adored this section of fair Bitten's manuscript! She gaveth me a strong power over LIFE AND DEATH! BUAHAHA!

Sorry, Hamlet decided to write in some crap in the story. This is Ryu. Hehe, poor Aidan's been shot twice already, poor guy. And why was he kissing Mal? I DON'T GET IT! Keanu! Shut up! I'm narrating! I don't care if I'm overreacting! Arghl!

(cough) Okay, well, time for story to continue...

* * *

Bitten smiled at Hamlet's darkness. "DOWN YOU GO!" Bitten pushed the pedal as much as she could, and sped over the Stu. Surprisingly, he caused a shield to cover himself. "Grr...Hamlet! Take the wheel!" Bitten jumped out of the cart and pulled out her cleaver. "You will die." Bitten charged up her cleaver, but the Stu used his lameness powers and guarded himself. 

"I am not as weak as Aria. I do not regard my weight." Bitten's cleaver broke in two as she used so much force on the Stu. Unfortunately, it only shattered a bone in his arm.

"I will say, you aren't one of the idiots that can't tell the difference between grass and a rock. Still, you think you're something great, even though you keep a mirror and a hair spray conditioner." Bitten smirked as the Stu self-consciously shuffled around in his bag. (purse)

"I do not!"

"Lies..." Hamlet whispered.

"Right. So what happens to be your name, Stu?"

"I believeth that thou hast just spoken his name," Hamlet said.

"My name is Leonard."

"Okay, well, draw your sword, Leo."

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" Bitten giggled. Then she pulled out her huge bread knife.

"Whatever you say, Leo." 'Leo' turned red in anger. He pulled out his sword. It looked more like a butter knife in comparison to Bitten's huge breadknife. Bitten swung her knife around menacingly.

"You will die for your insult," Leo growled. He brought up his sword and smashed it down, but Bitten moved out of the way.

"So, if I die, can you put on my tombstone: 'She was killed by Leo'?" Bitten smiled and Hamlet snickered as Leo turned even redder. Bitten yawned as he tried to smash her again, but she only cracked her fingers and whispered something uniteligible. And then a lightingbolt flew from the sky and zapped Leo's sword. (Luckily for him the handle was made of...something that wasn't metal...)

"Wow, I didn't know Bitten could do that..." Random Scout said.

* * *

"Uhh, I have a package for a Miss Adelle?" said a postman. 

"YES WHO ARE YOU!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" Mal burst, strangling the dude.

Mizel snickered. "Adelle..."

"I have a package..."

Mal grabbed a huge box from somewhere or rather, and ripped it open. "IT CAME! JOYNESS!" She pulled out the contents, and grinned. It was a magical drum set!! Whoot! Mal sat down at the stool and started banging away. "YEAH!" She grabbed a pair of sunglasses and put them on. And then she banged so hard that the snare drum popped open. Yeah. "DANG YOU!" And she stood up and mashed Mizel on the head with her sticks. "YARGHH!" (?)

* * *

"Hamlet, I will kill him now, okay?" Bitten asked. 

"Very well, fair Bitten." Hamlet grinned. Then she screamed. "MY LEG FELL OFF!"

"What!? How did that happen!?"

"I put mousse on it..."

Something...

Hamlet sneaked a peek at her fictionpress account. Then a little message popped up. 'Barthalemewthemutantgiraffeandahalfandhistwopetstorks has sent you a comment.' Hamlet clicked the 'View now' button. 'Your stories are horrible. You need to quit writing. What is this!? Two verbs in a sentence!? Kill it! End the horror! And what are THESE!? You actually wrote 'And he was in love because she wanted to eat some of he loving her trueness'. HOW DO YOU CALL THAT A SENTENCE!? I AM GOING TO SUE YOU! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! (sigh) I'm done.'

Bitten smirked and twitched her hand. The electricity in Leo's sword zapped, and it flung from the sword and caught Leo's hand. "BUAHAHA!" Bitten cackled. "Hamlet! Make the dark voice again!"

"Your doom is nigh again."

doo...

Aidan rolled his eyes. "BACK TO THE PRESENT MATTER!" he yelled, and lifted his customized weapon. "As I was saying, this customized weapon will be your customized death!" Aidan ran at Will again, but suddenly Bitten appeared before him.

She lifted her hand. "No." She shook her head.

"WHY FOR NOT!?" Aidan screamed.

"Because Will is MINE to kill." Bitten and Aidan locked eyes, and for a moment, everyone (in the battle) was silent, waiting who was going to attempt to kill Will (or the other person). But eventually, Bitten stared Aidan down.

"Alright, alright. But you'd better buy me a mocha when all this is over," Aidan relented, and heading off to slay some other Stues. Bitten smirked, and then she turned to Will.

"You, you're the one who fell to Aria's spell." Will glared at Bitten.

"Oh, right. And you are the one who made out with at least four girls." Bitten smirked as approximately twelve Sues came up to Will and slapped him, and then stomped off. Bitten coughed. "So...who were they?" Bitten snickered.

Will's embarrassment quickly turned into anger. However, Cupid was a fairly intelligent being and decided to be nice to Will. "Give in to us, or we will crush you all!" Cupid screamed, being all dramatic. The ground even shook for a second. But then Mal yawned again and smashed a Sue's dog with her drum stick. Behrooz stood up, but Bitten stretched out her hand.

"Give us one night to think it over," she said, staring into Cupid's eyes with such intensity and speaking with such menace that everyone immediately knew that sensible Milandu had returned, and they were were gonna

_**BLUR!**_

(distant mumbling) "Mal! You spilled DP all over the story! How could you be so stupid? Come on, now we have to WAIT for Bitten to come back from MD with her story...you idiot..."

"Oh, shut up, Zilch, it was your fault the Dr. Pepper spilled! If you hadn't tripped me I wouldn't have knocked over the can! And it isn't like Bitten's gonna book a hotel room at McDonalds, you dufus!"

"Guys! It's just the flippin' story! Bitten'll come back and we'll all chill, alright?"

"SHUT UP AIDAN!"

"Uhh, hey guys, this is Keanu again...apparentally Zilch and Mal have decided to pounce on Aidan...sorry, but you'll have to wait for the rest of the story...I'm gonna go get a sandwich..."


	13. More Woodland Creatures

"Man, Bitten, these are some flippin' good fries..."

"I know, Keanu. Fess up the change."

"What?"

"You don't think I'd pay for it, do you?!"

"Yes!"

"Pshh. Go eat your doughnuts."

(oh, yeah, guys, sorry. We had to wait at McDonalds for a while because Crevan got distracted and started building playground equipment, so I asked a nearby business dude if I could borrow his fax machine. (very handy them business dudes are...I wonder how they fit all that crap in their tuxes?) So yeah. Anyway, here's the rest of your (cough cough) DP spilled upon (cough cough) story.

End of Chapter 12:

Pickles Should Never Be Eaten On Forks

"Give us one night to think it over," she said, staring into Cupid's eyes with such intensity and speaking with such menace that everyone immediately knew that sensible Milandu had returned, and they were were gonna kick Cupid's butt with some incredibly organized pan (cough) plan. (Hamlet, you idiot, stop making so many typos!)

"You have one night to live," Cupid said, but it didn't sound HALF as menacing as Milandu sounded.

...dot dot dot...

..._alright, I'll give you guys the thirteenth chapter since you've been waiting so long..._

CHAPTER THIRTEEN!

Chapter 13:

More Woodland Creatures

Milandu, Behrooz, and Elrond sat in the dark, quietly discussing the perfect plan. Aidan, however, was listening in. "We need to think of an algorithm," he heard them whisper.

"We need to get rid of Cupid first," another one said. The he heard something crawling up behind him. He turned his head quietly, trying to not give himself away.

"Aidan," he heard someone say, so faintly he had to pay close attention to hear. "It's me." Aidan breathed a silent sigh of relief when he discovered that it was Mal.

"They're talking about their magical plan," Aidan whispered.

"Ahh..." Mal listened in, too.

"After that..."

"WE SHOULD CHALLENGE WILL TO A DUEL!" Bitten almost yelled, and then she composed herself. "Sorry, Bitten wouldn't shut up..."

"Actually, a duel might be our best bet right now," Elrond said, laying out possibilities in his brain.

"Why is that?" Behrooz asked.

"Two reasons. First, the Sues outnumber us approximately seven thousand to one. Second, Will isn't actually that strong. If someone stronger than he would duel him, he would surely fail."

"What about all of the Stues and Sues that will be there after his fall?"

"Well, we don't want THEM in our prisons, do we?" Milandu asked slyly, her point getting across.

"But then we fall back to where we began. There'd still be seven thousand to one."

"But we can't take that many prisoners. Besides, it would help the whole universe. Imagine it: more than one hundred million Sues and Stues just gone." Milandu snapped her fingers.

"But they wouldn't just be gone," Behrooz said. "We'd have to do it. And that would require each and every one of our group to kill more than seven thousand Sues. We only have a little over than fourteen thousand in our group!"

"But we are stronger than them. Aidan has already probably killed more than his share!"

"Aidan is different," Aidan said. Then he suddenly realized he had given himself away. Behrooz started laughing.

"You can come out now, Aidan and Mal," Milandu said. Mal turned a light shade of orange.

"How'd you-"

"I'm not an idiot. You guys whisper like crocodiles." Milandu smiled as Mal had no reply.

"Am I crazy, or did I just feel a drip of water?" Aidan asked.

"You're probably crazy." Elrond smiled, and then the three of intelligence laughed. "But you're right, you are different. You have a pretty cool gift." Mal squinted at Elrond.

"I DO TOO!" She formed a jelly belly sock and stuffed it in Elrond's mouth. Then they heard a great thud.

"That was either thunder, or..." Milandu began, and the other four added, "Tristan falling off the bunk." They all laughed.

"You guys can sit," Behrooz said, and the two Its did so. Then they felt a sudden splash of many rain drops. Then they saw a flash of lightening.

"I love the rain..." Milandu whispered, taking off her hood and turning her face to the now steady flow of rain.

"So, we challenge Will to a duel, and then just chase the rest of the dummies into a gianormous hole!" Aidan said.

"You know, that's not a bad idea..." Behrooz pondered the thought.

"What do you people call this strange food?" Elrond said through a full mouth. "It's kind of tasty..."

* * *

In the rain, Tayten and Landroval were running around in circles around a tree. "I'm gonna catch you!" Tayten squealed.

"You can try!" Landroval laughed, and kept running. Then, as she almost took hold of his tail feathers, he spread his wings and took flight.

"Cheater!"

next...

Will sat in his throne thing again, as he had forced his minions to remove it from a deep hole. Cupid floated on a magic carpet throne of his. "What do you think they are doing?" Will asked. Clove and Shae sat a few yards away, listening quietly.

"I think they're making plans." Cupid couldn't think of a better answer. Truly, that's all that they were doing.

c...

"BOXY!" Hamlet screeched.

"?" answered the pieces of cardboard.

"WHY IS THERE AN EGG UNDER YOUR BUTT!?"

"..."

"WHY!?"

"?"

"BECAUSE I MUST KNOW!"

"..."

"BOXY!" She picked him up and stared him in the face (?). "What?! You're just randomly pooping out eggs!? THAT'S NOT NATURAL!"

line...

Shae and Clove came back, dissapointed. Shae shook his head. Clove sighed. "C'mon, Clove, let's go dance." They walked towards their buddies, and noticed that there were disco lights and a dance floor and the Its were dancing. "Sweet!" Shae walked up behind a certain It (whose name was Terpsichore), and said, "Wanna dance?" As he said it, she spun around, but then he forgot that he was still invisible. Then he laughed, and grabbed her hand. Clove saw it and snapped his fingers and instantly both he and Shae were uninvisible.

"Shae!" said Terpsichore.

"Yeah, Terps, wanna dance?" She grinned.

"Sure, why not." And they danced together, and rocked the entire stage because Terpsichore was such an amazing dancer. (too bad Aidan wasn't there! He would have ROCKED the stage harder! Ahaha!) Hamlet, shut up...

Bum bum bum...

"Coo! Coo!" Pigeons flew about in an old stone courtyard. The air was dry, and cold. One lone woman stood, still as stone, covered in black. Her black dress cascaded to the ground, entirely covering her pale skin. Her black veil hung around her face, covered in tears. They woman crouched down, and lifted her hand to a pigeon. It flew away. She looked upon the ground, feeling tears coming to her eyes again, though her eyes were already so red it was hard to tell her real eye color.

Suddenly, a door opened, and the sun poured in, the clouds parted, the pigeons flew, the air warmed up, and the woman rose. Standing in the doorway was a man, in clothes bright like the sun. His eyes danced, and he rushed to the woman.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered.

"I came for you." He picked her up, and she did not resist. He began walking towards the door from which he had come, and then he suddenly stopped and grabbed her lips in his. He let her down, but then clutched her closer. She sunk under him, and massaged his back. Then, another door burst open, and a man dressed in deep red came in.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" he bellowed.

"Don't-" the woman screamed, but she was cut off. The man in bright colors wrapped himself around her, and leaped out of his door. They sailed down, down, down, and then he turned them so that he took the brunt of the fall. "Oh, darling," she began, but he quickly got up and pulled her with him, and she saw the red man up from where they had jumped, bellowing again.

"COME BACK HERE! I WILL SLAY YOU! YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE MY SLAVES! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE!" But they kept running. Then, unexpectedly, they hit a wall. Stranger still, a dark mist floated over them instantly.

"What is this?" she asked, holding on to her dear lover.

"I do not know." He looked unsure of himself, but then he kissed her again. He gasped. She realized a man standing behind him, smiling slyly. She heard a strange noise, and saw him pull out a knife from the middle of the bright man's back.

"Don't you remember me, my girl?"

choo choo...like a train...

"How doesth thou likest?" Hamlet asked, showing Landroval her script. "Boxy saith that mine writing needs some more salt, Crevan saith it needs names, Bitten saith that it needs a trash can, and Elrond telleth me to read, not write."

Landroval skimmed over the writing again. "Well, Hamlet, I think you are doing a lot better than before," he admitted. "Crevan might be right that you need names, just so it's less confusing. And Elrond is right, because you need to research things and read and allow your mind to be opened to new words that you can put in your own writing," Landroval said. (he said a lot of other nice things too, but...Tristan hasn't been onscreen for a while, so it's his turn)

TRISTAN! Said It was sitting, studying a Saxon math book. (joy) Orrick was sitting next to him, reading some random book about dolphins. You didn't know? Orrick likes dolphins. (they have mental powers) Tristan laughed.

"Wow."

"What?" Orrick asked, looking up from his book.

"I'm actually enjoying this!"

"That's scary!" Orrick shook his head and turned back to his book. "Bah, this is boring," he said, shutting the book. But as he did, he glanced upon a certain page that said "Do dolphins really have mind powers?" And he grabbed the book again and flung it open, trying to find the page again. But as he did, a sudden rain burst upon them, and they both got up and ran for cover-causing the dolphin book to become very wet and unreadable. Orrick rolled his eyes and threw the book out into the rain. "Frickin' books..."

...bum bum...

Landroval went back inside a tent and tucked the covers over Tayten. He smiled, seeing her in such serene calmness.

_..."Tayten..." Tayten looked up to see a shining face. "Tayten..."_

_"Tsaari Queen?" Tayten asked._

_The shining face smiled, and Tayten could see the beautiful figure of a woman. "You are clever, little one. Oh one of Happiness, you must do something for me..."_

_Tayten looked with wide eyes at the Queen. "What is it, Tsaari Queen?"_

_"Go to the midst of the Sues camp, and start a bonfire. There will be wood and oil there for you, and you must destroy everything else in the fire that you can. There are some matches in the warming tent. Go in two hours. Understand?" _

_"Yes, Miss Tsaari!" Tayten grinned. The Queen smiled._

_"Good. Now sleep until you hear someone whisper, 'The lightening is wonderous,' and the thunder claps outside. Farewell, young one..."_

_"Good bye, Tsaari Queen!" Tayten waved as the face faded, and all went black. _

Landroval sat down next to Tayten, watching over her like an older brother. Tristan came in. "She's so cute," he said.

"Yeah, she sleeps like a nestling," Landroval answered. He smiled. "I remember when my kids would squeak for food...and when I taught my daughter to fly..." Tears came to his eyes. "My wife cried so hard when one of our eggs didn't hatch..." Landroval was lost in his thoughts for a moment, and then he clicked back to reality and realized that he had said what he had been thinking. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said so much..."

Tristan looked him in the eye. "It's okay, we all have things that hurt us in our pasts," he said, and the Eagle melted down and cried.

...sniff...

Behrooz laughed as Elrond told some racist joke about dwarves.

"So, we gang up on Cupid, kill him, and then kill Will? Or possibly challenge him to a duel?" Milandu asked, and Elrond nodded. Mal and Aidan were cackling with laughter. (they didn't even get the joke)

"Yeah," Behrooz said, still chuckling.

...choo...

Landroval looked out of the tent, wiping away some tears. "I think we're going to have a thunderstorm," he commented.

"Yeah." Tristan nodded. He looked at Tayten, who was still sleeping like a little squirrel. (...)

"I love thunderstorms," Landroval said, "My little girl used to always run up to me and say, 'Daddy! Daddy! Look! Uncle Gwaihir is throwing lights again!' I don't think she understood that Gwaihir, my brother, couldn't do that...but it was still always cute when she said it." Tristan smiled. Suddenly a huge streak of lightening flashed across the sky.

Mizel strolled in. "The lightening is wondrous," he said, sitting down. Suddenly a clap of thunder boomed across the field. Tayten's eyes flashed open, and the fire in her eyes burned.

"Here I come, bonfire," she whispered, cracking her knuckles. "The end is near..."

_Terpsichore means to Delight in Dance, so...yeah. Hee, Orrick having a temper...I love him..._

_(shudder) Tayten is lethal when she's on a mission..._


	14. Love Behind the Forgotten

Chaputer 14:

Love Behind the Forgotten

The wind was calm, the night was serene, and the air was sweet with the fresh scent of rain. Tayten breathed in the wonderful mixture, as she snuck into the Sue camp. She now saw a large pile of wood, with a huge pail of oil right next to it. _Idiots,_ she thought. _Why are they just leaving out a bonfire for me?_

ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION!

"Cupid, why is there a large pile of wood and oil over there?" one of his cronies asked Cupid.

"Because, as soon as we destroy their three leaders, we will burn them all at the stake." Cupid looked superiorly at the enemy Insanity camp. Suddenly, however, his stake started on fire. "WHICH OF YOU IDIOTS IS DOING THIS!?" Cupid screeched.

Back to Tayten...

"Hehehe..." she giggled, and lit the match, dropped it on the wood, and ran to start another fire. Thunder still clapped in the distance, and lightening could be seen streaking across the sky. The rain, however, had stopped. Tayten saw a nearby tree, so she threw some oil on it, and lit a match. However, the lightening was faster than she. It struck the tree, causing a huge fire to erupt out of it. Tayten laughed and ran to another tree, throwing oil on it as soon as she got close enough. Sure enough, lightening struck again.

The trees and the pile of wood were burning so much that they looked like huge towers. The entire Insane camp were awakened by the loud thunder, and each one immediately saw the towers of fire.

"THIS MIGHT BE OUR CHANCE TO GET CUPID! EVERYONE GET UP!" Milandu screamed, and she shook Hamlet awake. Boxy awoke as well, and with a quick glance at his special egg, he ran outside.

Orrick and Tristan were at the front of the line of Its, and they all ran with supreme speed and strength. (?)

Mal and Aidan were running side by side (teehee), and Mal grinned at Aidan. He smiled, and waved his hand at her. The ground waved as his hand did, and she flew across the field. Aidan stifled a snicker, and made the ground transform into a slide for him so he slid down and caught Mal in midair (he's so talented). She only rolled her eyes and smacked him one. But the other Its were enjoying the slide, and it definitely increased their speed. Clove was trying to surf down. He got hurt.

Orrick reached the wood pile first, but kept running. He saw Cupid in the distance, hovering over the flames. You know, that's really not very clever. You get burned more easily if you're above the flames than if you're under them, right?

...um...yeah. Suddenly, Orrick seemed to fly. He looked behind him, and noticed Tayten hugging him and flying at the same time. He smiled. "Thanks, Tay."

"Tiger had to go get all his buddies," she replied. Orrick looked down. He liked the sight of everything down there. All those little things.

"Stench..." Mal said, and she threw her arm out. A thousands jelly bellys became a magic carpet. "Come on, Aidan!" she yelled in his ear, and pulled him on. They flew up to where Orrick and Tayten were. "Hi, guys!" she called as they sped past. That only made Tayten go faster. Soon, it was a race to see who would get to Cupid first. Aidan looked behind them, and saw six Eagles flying aways back, then he saw all the other Its looking up at him and trying to keep up, and he saw Bitten in her golf cart with Hamlet and Boxy, and then he saw everyone else way behind, still behind the piles of wood.

Tayten looked behind her. "TIGER!" she called, and Landroval sped past the fiery towers, the Insanity peoples trying to jog, and flew up to her. She jumped on his back as he sped by, and they were now going much faster than Aidan and Mal (much to the dismay of those two). They quickly caught up to Cupid, and Landroval mashed him. Cupid and Orrick fell to the ground, and Landroval and Tayten kept flying.

Aidan and Mal swooped back down to the ground, still hovering just above the earth. Aidan saw someone. "Mal! That way! There's a Sue!" Mal turned them in that direction, and the sped towards the Sue. Aidan gasped. "That's the Sue I threw in the pit!" As he looked at her, he saw that her neck was very swollen, and her neck was rather mushed between her unstable collarbone and her head. He laughed at her. He then quickly explained it to Mal, and she laughed too. "How did you get out of the pit?" he asked, still laughing.

"I had some help." She turned around. "Monticello!" Landroval heard her, and he turned around. He put Tayten down.

"Who's Monticello?" he asked. He immediately saw who. 'Monticello' swooped down from the sky and landed next to Cecelia.

"What is it, my mistress?"

"These two dopes need to be slain. Can you be my precious and do it for me?" she asked in her baby voice. Landroval sped down and landed next to him.

"Alegirotuby!" he exlaimed, staring wide-eyed at his used-to-be friend. The dragon only stared at him blankly.

"Who are you talking to?" he asked sternly.

"You!" Landroval said plainly, not understanding the situation.

"My name is not A leg giro tubey! My name is Monticello!" Landroval almost laughed, but when he saw the serious look in his friend's eyes, he became confused.

"Since when?" he asked, still confused.

"Since..." 'Monticello' turned to Cecelia. "Where did I come from? I don't remember anything before I..." he trailed off. "I fell into your camp," he said, frowning. "And you showed me how he and his friends had hurt me," he added, showing a scar. "And then you said that you and the master had healed me..." He looked back at Landroval. "But...you..." he frowned. Cecelia slapped Landroval.

"Stop hurting Monticello! You are causing him more pain than you already have! Monticello, this man is-"

"I'm an Eagle," Landroval interrupted.

"-this EAGLE is trying to hurt you again! He wants to turn you from me again!" Cecelia started fake crying. She looked puppy-eyed at 'Monticello'. "May I ride on your back, darling?" Alegirotuby nodded, and she climbed on him.

"'Darling'?" Landroval asked in a high-pitched voice. Cecelia glared at him. Alegirotuby heard her whispering in his ear.

"You know this eagle. He is the eagle who stabbed you. He was the one who refused to give you any food when you were hungry. I am your friend. I healed the stab. I was the one you fed you until you were not hungry any longer..."

"I WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND YOU IN THE SNOWSTORM! YOUR FRIEND, SLEIG WAS THE ONE WHO HELPED YOU BUILD YOUR WINGS!" Landroval screamed, pointing at a nearby German dragon (named Sleig). His voice lowered. "My daughter was the one who made you soup when you were almost frozen in the snow." Monticello looked into Landroval's eyes, and all he could see was sincerity and love, and an intense pain. He looked down, unable to look into the Great Eagle's eyes.

"I...I can't stay..." He pushed Cecelia off his back and flew off. Landroval closed his eyes.

"Come back, Alegirotuby..." he whispered.

...sniff...

"You jerk!" Orrick shouted. Cupid was holding Tayten by the neck.

"Call me names if you will," Cupid said calmly, "but I believe we both know who's in charge here." The two of them locked eyes, and Orrick almost backed down, but Tayten looking at him with those wide eyes kept him back.

He sent a telepathic message to her. _Fly._ Tayten didn't understand.

_What?_ She asked.

_Ignore him and fly. He'll be caught off guard. _

_Okay..._ He smiled. She took off, and Cupid was so surprised that he totally let go and looked, baffled, as she flew off.

"Whatever, she's just a dumb little girl anyway," Cupid taunted. Orrick tensed up. He sent a telepathic message to the back of Cupid's mind. _Where is your bow? _Cupid turned around, thinking someone had asked him that in the physical world. Orrick sent another one. _Do you enjoy that diaper? _Orrick smirked as Cupid looked frantically around, trying to figure out who was asking him such dumb questions. _What happened to your hair? _Cupid finally figured out that it was Orrick.

_So, it's you, _he thought.

_Took you long enough. _Orrick smiled slyly. _Maybe you shouldn't taunt people when you have no power. _

_Right. I have more power than you. So what if you can mind-speak? I can control people!_

_So can I. _Orrick stared Cupid down. _Do you remember where your bow is? _Orrick smirked again as Cupid pryed his mind, trying to remember. _You don't remember, do you? _Cupid looked at him questioningly. _Do you remember what your arrows look like? _Orrick was teasing him, and he knew it.

_What do you want?_

_I want you to leave. _Cupid's eyes jerked, and he cackled.

_HA! I have penetrated your weak power! _Cupid pulled his bow out of his back pocket, and pulled out an arrow. _You may think that you have defeated me, but you have no power here! _He shot three arrows at once, each in different directions. Orrick dodged the first one, but the other two turned and came head to head at him, and he was instantly shot with a horrible pain. The love juice from the arrows did not make him fall in love with some random person; it clashed with his mental power...

Memories flashed before his eyes, memories he had blocked out with his mental powers. _"I can't believe you could be so stupid!" A rather large stick was slashed upon him, and it nearly broke with the force that was behind it. _

_"Can't you ever do anything right!?" a woman screamed as she threw a pot at him. It missed his head but landed a very heavy blow to his shoulder. _

_"What is wrong with you? HE WAS ABOUT TO DIE AND ALL YOU COULD DO WAS SCREAM!?" a man shrieked, and a whip came and snapped at his back, over and over and over. _Orrick flinched, remembering the pain.

_"When will you ever learn? This place is for people, not idiots!" some drunk lady yelled, and she closed the door on him. _

_"Who are you? We never said you could come here! Leave! I don't care if anybody told you to come, I said get out!" a very large man bellowed, and he kicked Orrick with a huge thrust of his boot._

Then the juice finally sank in and the worst of them all came to his mind. _"Orrick! Will you sing for me again? That one song you made yourself-the really pretty one?" A very pretty girl was sitting on a bench, looking at him with wide eyes..._Tayten had wide eyes..._ "You know, the one you made for me?" A much younger Orrick sat down next to her and sang the song for her. "Aww, Orrick, your voice is so pretty...I love you," she whispered, and she kissed him. _Orrick screamed. "TAKE IT AWAY!" He wrenched his face with his hands, and nearly tore his own eyes out. "MAKE IT STOP! TAKE HER AWAY!"

_"I love you too, Chey." Orrick smiled. He grasped her hand. _Orrick banged his head on the ground. "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT GO AWAY! LEAVE IT ALONE!" He gasped for air. _He smiled, and she shut her eyes. _

_"I love you, Orrick..." she whispered again, and he held her close. Suddenly, a nearby door banged open._

_"Cheyette! Get your ugly butt in here!" Some man with large chest hair stomped out the door and grabbed the girl's hand. "Get over here!" he screamed, pulling her by her arm. _

_"Ow!" she cried out in pain. _

_"Shut up! And you! DON'T EVER COME BACK!" he yelled at Orrick, and he kicked him. He jerked the little girl inside. _Orrick screamed again. "NO! DON'T DO IT! LEAVE HER ALONE!"

_"Don't! Please!" the girl's voice sounded from inside. _

_"Shut up!" the man yelled back. He slapped her. _

"Orrick!" someone called. It was Tristan, running up to him.

_"Stop-" but she was cut off. There was one thudding noise, and she fell to the floor. _Orrick's eyes flew open. "LEAVE HER ALONE!" he screamed one last time, and then he whispered, "Let her go..." He immediately collapsed and passed out.

_...wow, nobody knew Orrick had such a sad backstory...(pats Orrick on the back) You're such a trooper! _

Next time, on Insanity!

Can Orrick handle his pain? Can he mentally defeat the horrible Cupid? WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Tune in next time to find out.

_Okay, I had to make a really cliche commercial...so there it is. (CHEE!) Hope you have a good time waiting 'till next full moon! Hehe!_


	15. Chey

Yay! CHAPTER FIFTEEN IS HERE!

Chapter 15:

Chey

_"When all the earth is spinning all around me, I look again at that one face I love, and all the earth seems but to slow down, and for once, I thought that I could fly," Orrick sang. "And the when the sun seems to smile, and all the dew loves to sing, I know that I am happy, and again, I feel a love throughout!" he smiled as he sang, and Chey grinned. _

_"You're such a poet," she teased. He laughed. She jumped up and ran a few feet away. "Are you going to catch me or what?"_

_"Roses are red, violets are blue, and I am going to come and catch you!" he yelled. "Is that poetic enough for you?" he asked, grabbing her and throwing her into his arms. (?) _

_"Of course," she said, stretching out in his arms. After a minute, he exhaled heavily._

_"You're heavy!" he exclaimed. _

_"I'm heavy?" she whispered, her face closing in on him. They both leaned towards the other, and kissed. "Am I still heavy?" she asked, gazing into his eyes._

_"Yep," he laughed as he dropped her. He started running. Then he turned and called, "Are you going to catch me or what?" She chased him until they reached a large wall. "A door!" he exclaimed, pointing at the said portal. (of doom) He grabbed her hand and opened the door. To their sudden surprise, a man in a large black hat jerked out at them. _Orrick snapped awake. "OPTOMIST!" he screamed. Then he blinked. Tristan was staring at him.

"Are you okay?" Tristan asked, looking warily at Orrick.

"Uh..." Orrick thought for a second. Then the memories of Chey flooded back again and he grimaced. "No...Chey..." he groaned. Tristan bit his lip. _Chey? She's been gone for a long time! Why-_Tristan stopped. It made sense. Orrick had the power and definitely the motive...

"Orrick." Tristan grabbed Orrick's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Did you make yourself forget about Chey?" he asked slowly.

Orrick gritted his teeth. "I-I..." he started. He tried to not speak, but his insides needed oxygen. He exhaled quickly. "I tried to forget her..." He looked into Tristan's eyes. "I couldn't live with it, Tristan! You don't know what it's like! She was...she..." he trailed off. Tristan nodded.

"I know." Tristan let out a deep breath. Orrick looked down.

"Oh, Tristan..." his lip trembled. He began shaking, and then he let go and began crying. Tristan hugged him.

"It's okay, Orrick. We'll make it." Tristan just held on comfortingly to his friend.

...bazooka...

Cupid quietly snuck away, afraid to deal with a crying person. He found Will, and saw him shaking hands with Milandu. "What are you doing!?" he screamed, suspecting Will of everything and hating the world.

Will turned to him. "We made a deal. If either of our leaders are killed, mainly you, or 'Bruce'," he began (stupidly).

"Behrooz, you idiot," Milandu corrected.

"Yes, 'Behruce', then-" he was cut off again.

"BEH-ROOZ! PRONOUNCE IT RIGHT, SHAMEFUL SCUM!"

"Yes, whatever...anyway, if either of you die, then this woman here challenged me. So-" he was cut off yet again.

"No. If either of them die, or both, then WE will duel. I did not challenge people in the FUTURE! Get your grammar correct, F minus minus boy!"

"It was not F minues minues! It was a Failure X one zero."

"That would be failure TIMES TEN! F minus minus minus minus minus minus minus minus minus minus! YOU ARE A FAILURE AT LIFE! Let me explain, stupid." She turned to Cupid. "If either you or BEHROOZ," she began, drawing out her leader's name, "die, then Will and I will duel. Because I am obviously better than him, it is the best course of action." She smiled.

"I will not have my battle wasted on petty squabbles," Cupid said.

"Well, if you die, then it won't really be your choice. Besides, we already shook hands." Both Cupid and Will turned to see Milandu pulling out a wipe.

"What are you doing?" Cupid asked.

"Washing my hands," she answered, grimacing at Will.

* * *

Orrick and Tristan were still sitting, now both of them crying together. Then Orrick pulled himself together a little and sat up. He drew a shaky breath. "I hate him..." he said quietly, his fist quivering. 

"You mean...the guy who..."

"The bloody man who kidnapped her, beat her," his eyes flared, "raped her, and..." he twitched. "He killed her. He was a b-" he started, but Tristan put his hand on Orrick's shoulder.

"He was a human. Besides, he's gone now." Tristan tried to get Orrick to look at him but Orrick was looking at something else.

"I'm gonna kill him," Orrick said bluntly. He then quickly got up.

"But he's already dead!"

"Not him." Orrick squinted. Tristan turned around.

"Oh. That him. Okay, knock yourself out." Tristan moved out of the way as Orrick stomped over to Cupid, a fire blazing in his eyes that had never been seen before by any mortal or flying baby.

...yeah...

Mal and Aidan were kind of weirded out by Landroval freaking out and Monticello leaving and Cecelia being alive. They stood there, looking at each other, eyebrows raised and very confused looks on their faces.

"Huh?" Mal said, turning to see Landroval fly away.

"Did you get any of that?" Aidan asked.

"Nope." They both stood in silence for a moment, and then Aidan turned around.

"Let's go kill some Sues," he suggested.

"Good idea," agreed Mal. So they did.

* * *

Memories flew through his head and filled him with anger unlike any he had felt before. _"You've got to say goodbye!" Tristan was screaming. "The world won't stop just because she's dead! She's gone! It's been three years!" _

_He entered the graveyard, and closed the gate behind him. He walked slowly to the other end, glancing at some of the passing stones. He reached a certain white one, and he knelt down beside it. He sighed. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do," he whispered. "You were everything I had, and now...you're gone." He stroked the outside edge of the tombstone. "Why did you have to be such a jerk!?" he yelled, looking at another stone. He got up and stalked over to it. He glared down at it, biting his tongue. "It's your fault she died!" He kicked it, and the smashed it with his fist. "I hate you!" he screamed, kicking it again and again and then smashing it over and over. _

_Tristan's voice toned down. "So stop moping around and actually do something with your life," he said quietly. "I know you loved her. She was the best thing that ever came your way, I know. But you can't change what has already happened." He let go of the bars, and stepped back. "I can't stand to see you like this," he whispered, and then he left. Orrick sighed, then he clutched at the bars. He looked out the window, and dreamed about Chey again..._

Orrick shook himself awake. He couldn't let memories get in the way. He had a battle to fight. He had a foe to defeat. He had a cookie to eat! (cough) He walked up behind Cupid and grabbed his throat. "You will pay..." he whispered, fighting the urge to strangle the fat diaper baby. Cupid gagged, and jerked backward, throwing Orrick off balance. Orrick jumped back, and shielded his face as Cupid shot two arrows. Orrick put out his hand, and it quivered for a moment, but then the arrows dissolved into nothingness. Cupid leaped in the air as Orrick lunged at him, and Cupid came back down swiftly, bearing a rather sharp needle. It skewered through Orrick's arm, but he ignored it. He kicked Cupid off, and backhanded him. Cupid lashed out a dagger, slicing the skin on Orrick's finger. Orrick stepped backward. He closed his eyes.

"What's the matter? Afraid?" Cupid taunted, but Orrick reopened his eyes, and they blazed with such fury that no It nor mortal would dare challenge him. But he was just beginning. He threw out his hands, and a bush smashed down on Cupid's head. Milandu backed away.

"That looks fun," she commented, and she walked off. Will shivered.

"I'm gonna die," he said, with his snot-face having that "oh poor me" look like it always does. And someone threw an anvil on him (Mika...) and he passed out.

"Afraid of the diaper?" Orrick whispered, his eyes so scary that the whole earth seemed to shudder at his gaze. He swung his arms sideways, and a torrent of wind blew on Cupid, causing him to fall over. Orrick seemed to grow stronger as his foe weakened. Orrick lifted his hands and stretched them out, and a tornado sank from the sky and threw Cupid up in it for a moment. Then Orrick clashed his hands together so that they made a loud

**BANG!**

and a fire burst out of the tornado, burning Cupid severely. The tornado disappeared, as did the fire, but Orrick made his hands into fists and threw them up again, and a nearby tree uprooted itself and crushed Cupid's small and now burned body. Orrick drew near to Cupid. "I have won." He stared him down, and then began the most horrible torment any person had ever experienced. He shot a thought at Cupid.

_Your life is over. _Then another. _Death is near. _And another. _Take your last breath. _And more and more. _Keep your head, or it'll fly off. _Orrick smirked. _Hope you had a good short life. How many people did you manage to fall in love? _Then Orrick started throwing them faster. _Your bow is pathetic. When are you going to start wearing clothes? Whatever may happen, you're probably going to stay stuck under that tree. You are pretty much worthless now. I believe that you stole someone's hat. Perhaps you should ask for a wig for Christmas. Hm. Or maybe some jeans. Do you have a dog? I think you're shedding. _Orrick gasped. _Is that a ketchup stain on your diaper!? _

Cupid put his hands on his temples, groaning. _You're falling. _Orrick cracked his knuckles. _And I haven't even started. Do you want to play that one game, the Big Chair, or something like that? Of course you do! _Orricks waved his hand, and Cupid flew out from under the tree. Orrick threw out his hand, and a huge fire smothered Cupid. _Do you eat a lot of cake? What happened to your cheeks? They look like bowling balls. Hey! That's an idea! _Cupid started sweating. _Getting hot? No problem! _A very thick winter coat lodged itself around Cupid. _Is that warm enough? _Orrick snapped his fingers, and the fire grew hotter. Cupid started breathing quickly, and his skin turned very red. _I think that's enough. Maybe you should chill. _Orrick smiled.

The fire dissipated, and a huge chunk of ice molded around Cupid. _I think you look a bit warm. _Orrick made the ice melt in very specific places, like right next to Cupid's shoulder, and Cupid moved his arm. _Thank you! Very kind. _Orrick froze the ice again, causing Cupid to freeze even more because the cold now had his entire arm. _Ooch! Frostbite! _Cupid's lips turned blue. The ice disappeared. Orrick grabbed Cupid.

"If you think that hurts, maybe you should experience what I did," he growled. Suddenly pictures of beatings and torcher and poison flashed through Cupid's mind, but only for a second. Cupid was suddenly so shaken up that he twitched. Orrick dropped him, and unsheathed a sword. "Here is the end."

_I had a dream once about some scary guy in a doorway...he had a large black hat...I think that's where I came up with it...scary! (hiding under covers)_


	16. One Down, One Hundred Million to Go

...the climax is over...or is it?

Chapter 16:

One Down, One Hundred Million to Go

Orrick resheathed the sword, his eyes closed. He was deep in thought, as both armies looked on with awe. The entire area was silent for a few moments, and then a cheer arose from the Insanity army. Will grumbled. Bitten/Milandu cracked her knuckles. Mal started screaming, and she grabbed Aidan's arm and nearly dragged him off his feet. Behrooz pulled out his miniature piano as Boxy grabbed a trumpet, and Keanu breathed out a huge electric guitar while Ryu stole Mal's drums. ;)

They started their newly magical song.

* * *

After their coolness song, Orrick let out a sigh of relief as Tristan patted his back. "Good job, man." Tristan and Orrick hugged. 

"Thanks, Tristan." Orrick looked towards the sky.

"Do you need to be alone?" Tristan asked.

Orrick smiled. "That might be good," he said, turning to look at Tayten, who was jumping and making faces at the Sues. "Thank you." He looked at Tristan again, and then walked away, his memories filling his mind again.

Milandu pulled out her sword. "ARGH!" she screamed, and she threw her sword and pulled out her huge breadsteakbrocollibutterknife. "NO! Sword!" She dropped her knife and ran to fetch her sword. The Its watched her as she tried to decide what weapon to use. "Bitten must have a knife!" she yelled, turning around again. "Your weapons are inferior to my sword!" She turned again. "Say that to my face, you pathetic sword-wielder!" Elrond laughed at her.

"You idiot." He turned and went to get a sandwich.

Will gathered up his Sues. He whispered some directions to them, and then they magically changed into matching cheerleader outfits! Yay.

Bitten finally screamed again, and space seemed to tear at her thundering voice. She suddenly looked like a mosaic window. Her head was cut in half, and one half appeared to be the cloaked Milandu she had been a moment earlier, but the other half was unmistakably Bitten, with her strangely-colored hair kind of falling around her face. Her body was different also, one side cloaked, the other dressed in murderous orange. It seemed as though she was many pieces, but she started walking and it all came together. She picked up both her sword and her breadsteakbrocollibutterknife.

The Sues started chanting and doing their cheerleader routines. "H-E-A-R-T! HEART!"

Hamlet stepped up beside Bitandu (or Militten, but Milandu said that it sounded too much like Kitten.)(Bitten and Milandu are having some leader issues). "Mine friend, you shall beat him to a pulp." Bitandu smiled. (IT'S BITTEN!)

"I know, Hamlet. I will slay him. And you may have the honor of taking his fake mustache." Hamlet gasped.

"I CAN TAKE THE SPOILS OF OUR FIEND WHEN THOU HAST BEATEN HIM TO A RESEMBLANCE OF JUICE COMPRISED OF ORANGES?"

"Yes, Hamlet." They both watched as the cheerleading Sues did their high kicks. They both caught Will stealing a glance at the underpants of a certain hot Sue. Bitten shook her head. "He's so perverted. Do you think he was dropped on his head as a child?" Hamlet didn't answer, but laughed as three other Sues had seen him being perverty and slapped him. "You know, people always seem to be saying something with their clothes. You know, like, Elrond says, 'I'm awesome and if you touch me I will kill you.' Whereas, Behrooz dresses like, 'I'm cool and if you touch me, I might give you a cake.' You know?"

Hamlet smiled. "Yes, and Sues seem to say, 'I'm a dumb blonde! Stereotype me!'" Bitten laughed.

"Yes, very much so." Bitten smiled. "Well, I had better go kick some perverted butt." ...

Hamlet sighed, and she nodded. "You are right, Bitten. Beat him to a pulp." They hugged, 'cause they're such good buddies. Then Bitten went off to kick Will's face. Or butt. Or maybe both. Or maybe-(CO-OUGH!)done.

...dramatic music...

JUST A SECOND GUYS! I just got a review! I can't type and read this review at the same time! Here, I can put it here if you guys wanna read it...not sure why you would, but I'm being threatened. By...someone with a very Olde Englishe vocabulary (cough cough).

From "SOMEONE!!BUAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH...".

"I CAME UP WITH THE TITLE FOR THIS CHAPPIE! isn't it the greatest?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! i love it! and here is Barthalmew the mutant giraffe and a half with his two pet stork because they just HAD to say something!! KRRAAWKKWAKY!KRRAYW!KRAK!KRAWK!KIK! ... ...that means i love this series and will turner better die!(see how i didn't even captialize will's name cause he is so stueish!) ANYWAY that i guess will have to be the end of my WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GLORIOUS! FANTASTIC! AW AND OFUL REVIEW! you are the weakest link, goodbye!".

...maybe we should go back to the story.

So, where were we? OH! Right. Bitten was kicking Will's face. Or butt. Or maybe both. Or maybe-(CO-OUGH!)done. Bitten cackled and glowed as she levitated for a few seconds, and everyone was awed. Then she came back down and threw a cheeseburger at Will. "BUAHAHAHA!" she screamed, throwing her tomahawk-like piece of McDonalds merchandise. _MerchanDISE..._

"You are a lazy dork!" Will said.

"Do you even know what dork means?" Bitten shot back. Will shut up (thankfully).

"Um..."

"Okay then. Just keep your lard of a mouth shut and I won't have to..." she stopped. "Hamlet, where is my backpack?"

Hamlet looked at her. "Your bag of items is right here," she said, holding up the bag of items. Bitten dove through them, and found what she was looking for.

"Aha," she said. "This will be of great use. BUAHAHAH!"

To find out what Bitten found, um...scream in the streets that you hate Will. Yeah. Or just keep reading.

Oh, yeah, quick note: This chapter is now turning into my I-hate-Will chapter, so those of you who don't loathe Will, you don't have to read it if you don't want to. It's pretty much me beating Will to a pulp with my magical awesomeness powers, and him being a snob like he usually is. Right-o. Just thought I should mention that.

Continue!

Bitten unrolled some of her item. She grinned mischievously, and bolted across the space between herself and Will. She quickly duct taped his mouth shut. "BUAHAHAHA! VICTORIOUS!" Then she snapped her fingers and a hugantical lightening bolt zoomed out of the sky and zapped Will with an electrifying pain. He kinda twitched for a second, and then he pulled out a kinda dinky sword. He tried to mash Bitten with it, but he isn't really deserving of the word mash so he failed.

Bitten smirked. She pulled out her breadsteakbutterbrocolliknife (we call him Cheese) and it clashed upon Will's plastic thing of a sword, and his (toy) sword broke into many pieces. Bitten's eyes glowed. She cackled, and smashed it down on him, and there was a loud

**CRACK!**

and a shrill

**SHWEEP!**

as Will's tibia broke and a nostril formed on his arm.

"BUAHAHAHAHA!" Bitten put her foot on Will, as he was now on the ground. "Someone take a picture! I'm being Washington Crossing the Delaware!" She made a heroic grin, but everyone kinda...just made "err..." noises. Bitten drooped, but then her shoulders lifted again as she leaped into the air. "HAMLET! MY PISTOL!" Hamlet threw the said metal object, and Bitten caught it in mid-air and pulled the trigger. But...nothing happened. "YOU EMPTIED IT!" Bitten screamed

"Boxy needed some toilet paper!" Hamlet yelled back.

Bitten grunted, and fell back down again. She instead smashed Will's face with it. But, his skull was so thick that it didn't get any farther than his nose. It did manage to crush his nose, however. He got up, and picked up his dinky sword again. Bitten rolled her eyes. "You are pathetic," she said, but she unsheathed Cheese.

"You are evil," he said, raising his smashed nose.

"If you stuck your nose up any higher, you'd drown when it rains!" Mal screamed. Will ignored her, until she threw a boulder-sized jelly belly wad at the back of his head.

He turned and made his snot-face. While he was doing so, Bitten was bringing Cheese around. It made contact. "AHA!" she laughed, as her knife sliced through both cloth and skin. It ripped through Will's shirt, and gave him a moderate gash as he stupidly turned around to face his attacker. Bitten laughed as she saw that she had made a nice circular cut in his skin, and that gave her more incentive to fight harder. She pushed with her knife, and Will didn't have time to react before her knife grazed against his rib. He cried out in pain.

"IT HURTS!" he yelped, and Bitten stopped, smirking.

"Ohh, poor baby! Need to suck your thumb, or should I get you a pacifier?" she asked, wearing her baby face. Will slapped her.

...doom.

Hamlet gasped. "Didth he just palm mine friend!?" she shrieked, and Mal nodded.

"Yeah, he slapped her! What a jerk!"

...doom.

Bitten's eyes grew red. _He just slapped me. He just TOUCHED me! _She wiped her face with a handy wipe, and then Will watched fearfully as Bitten's teeth started growing and drooling. "Fangs..." she whispered, and some nasty-long fangs grew out of her teeth, dripping with doom. She seized him, and bit into his neck. Blood gushed out, and Will twitched. She let her teeth sink in, and then spit him out. She slapped him. "Vengeance..." she whispered, and she gripped Cheese even tigher.

"I will win," he said, blood dripping out of his neck and chest. Bitten snickered.

"Doubtful," she said, her teeth shrinking back to their normal size. "Now seriously, you do have a weapon, right? Not just that piece of plastic?"

"Why would I? I have no need to fight, I always have stunt men or girls who are infatuated with me do it." Will stuck his nose in the air.

"YOU'RE STILL GONNA DROWN WHEN IT RAINS!" Mal shrieked, and she started to go on, but Tristan slapped a hand (we're not sure if it was his) over her mouth.

"That wasn't even a normal sentence. 'girls who are infatuated with me do it'? Sorry, but no banana. It would be 'or girls, girls who are infatuated with me, do it.' That makes much more grammarical sense," Elrond stated, pulling out a grammar book from his back pocket.

"Thank you, Elrond," Bitten said.

"Now, if you see here, in Albert Einstein's book entitled 'Grammar's Best', section T, page three hundred thirty-five, column three, paragraph four," he continued.

"Thank you, Elrond," Bitten said, speaking a little louder this time.

"... sentence seven, starting on word seventeen, it says, 'When describing a noun with a conjunction or a prepositional sentence, one must always use a comma' or they will be stoned to death." Elrond shut the book.

"Thank you, Elrond," Bitten said, her voice raising even louder.

"The original word 'Who' comes from the Latin "Whousus" and the Arabic 'Whou", both meaning 'Someone'. The grammatical terms of the word mean-" he was cut off. Behrooz put a firm hand on Elrond's shoulder.

"There will be no more of that," Behrooz said menacingly. Elrond got the hint and shut up. Bitten sent Behrooz a thankful look. Then she turned and looked back at Will.

"Well, since you have no weapon, I suppose I can be totally chivalrous and lend you one," she said, snapping her finger. "Mika..." she called, and Mika snickered. A large, rusty, and very grimy shovel appeared in Will's hand.

"Sorry! The poopsmith just got a new shovel! Guess he thought you deserved his old one!" Mika yelled, laughing with Mizel.

"I refuse to use this pile of poop-shoveling junk!" Will exclaimed, throwing the shovel.

"Okay, then, we can go hand-to-hand, no weapons." Bitten resheathed Cheese and rolled up her sleeves. She drew her fist back and slammed it into Will's cheek. Will was jittered for a moment, but then he threw a punch of his own. Bitten dodged it easily, moving out of the way of his slow-moving hand. "Really, I said hand-to-hand. Not hand-to-stupid." She sighed as he attempted a kick. She merely yawned and pulled his leg out from under him.

"Ahh!" he cried, losing his balance. He drew a dagger. He quickly got up, and gritted his teeth.

Hamlet had a good eye and she saw the flash of light reflecting off of the metal dagger. "BITTEN! THE KNIFE! HE'S GOT A-" but she was too late. Will slammed the dagger forward and gutted into Bitten's side.

;) To hear this awesomeful song, go tooo...SOMEWHERE! I'll get back to you on that.

_Man, I spoiled you guys a ton this time! FOUR CLIFFIES? LUCKY!  
_


	17. Done, Finished, Complete

Dooo...intensity will draw to its close...for the Spirit has risen again.

Chapter 17:

Done, Finished, Complete

Bitten's eyes bulged with pain. "Cheater," she gasped. She drew back an iron fist and slammed Will's face with it, and then she collapsed. Hamlet rushed to her side.

"FAIR BITTEN!" Hamlet cried.

"Hamlet, this my battle...I can't..." she wheezed, clutching her wound. Will jabbed at her again, and stabbed her in the stomach. She gasped, pain coursing through her lungs. A memory of a verse she had read once flowed through her mind...

_"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." ;)_

Bitten swallowed. She rose to her knees, folding her hands and lowering her head.

"Dear God, please give me strength...I can't keep going by myself...please, Lord, help me defeat my enemy!" The sound of a huge crack of thunder bellowed throughout the field, shaking the ground with an intense fury. Bitten rose her head, and stood up. "Please, God, give Will into my hand..." she whispered. She pulled out her knife, and with a sudden fury, she lunged at her opponent.

"Ah! Fangirls! Save me!" Will yelped, and he attempted to protect himself. The fangirls stood nearby, biting their fingernails.

"You said that this was your battle," one said. "We can't go back on what you say, master."

Will grumbled. He drew another sword (Who makes all these? I do!) and tried to shield himself from her blow. She swung her sword again, this time its metal grinding against the weaker metal of Will's sword. His sword quivered, then, with a sudden snap, it broke into pieces. Bitten swiped her sword around again, and it grazed his forehead. (How in the world did she do that!?)

"Don't hurt me!" he whimpered. Bitten stood back.

"Psh," she laughed. "You are pathetic." She slashed at him again, and it chomped at his skin. She pushed, harder and harder, Will's face reddening, and his cries becoming louder, until the sword snapped as it pressed against bone. "Cheese!" she lamented, gathering up the broken pieces. She turned to Will, her teeth gritting, her eyes glaring, her face etched with anger. She punched him again.

"CURSE!" he yelled, and a book with a big, fat, "D" on it came and slammed her in the face.

"'D?'" she asked, getting up from the ground.

"Ummm...dumb..."

"Thought so." Bitten turned to the sky. "LORD, TAKE MY PLEA AND ZAP HIM ONE!" A huge lightning bolt sprang from the sky and zapped Will. For the second time that day, he twitched. However, this time, the lightning coursed through his entire body, paralyzing him momentarily. "FINISH HIM PLEASE, OH GOD!" A huge fire erupted from the earth, and Will splooshed out of the lava that came from it.

"Ouch!" he yelled.

Bitten rolled her eyes. "PLEASE, MY GOD, FINISH HIM!" A loud crack was heard. All eyes turned to Boxy. His egg was next to him, and it had cracked open, revealing some yellow-ish bird? Bitten felt a deep voice inside her. _You may have the last word. Just don't let it go to your head. This is a one-time-good-deal thing. _Bitten turned, and for half a second, she thought she saw someone levitating in the air. She grinned, and screamed out in a loud voice, "KÖNNEN SIE DER VOGEL VON PARADIESFLIEGE AUF IHRE NASE!"

The bird from the egg cried out, and it flew from its egg. A long, shimmering, golden tail flew from its rear end like a kite's string. Its wings stretched out and shone like a reflection on the water on a bright, sunny day. Its beak curved; its eyes were dark, and warm, and looked like fresh chocolate. It soared high in the sky, but then as it flew down towards Will, he could only stare at his oncoming doom. The bird flew at him with all speed, and as soon as it reached him, it soared up his nose. He cried out, choking in pain, and in moments, fell to the ground, dead.

;) Phillipians 4:13.

Next part...

"What was that!?" Mal exclaimed, grimacing at the gross sight of Will being alive. But then he died and she was okay.

Hamlet turned to her. "It was the Paradise Bird," she whispered.

Bitten fell to her knees. "Thank you, God," she prayed. Cheers arose.

"YAY! WE HAVE WON!" the Its cried. Hamlet ran back to Bitten.

"You have slain the enemy!" Hamlet exclaimed.

"No, Hamlet, it wasn't me," Bitten said.

* * *

"Monticello" came back, hanging on the side of the crowd ashamedly. Landroval saw him. "Alegirotuby..."

His long-named friend turned to him. "No, Landroval." Said Eagle brightened at his friend's rememberance. "I'm just an idiot." Long-named one sighed. Landroval shook his head.

"No, man, it wasn't your fault. It was that scum of a Sue..." Suddenly, a scream issued from one of the Sues. All eyes turned to her, and she grew bigger, and long, cape-like wings sprouted from her back.

"PERHAPS THE MASTER HAS FAILED, BUT I WILL NOT!" she screamed. Alegirotuby recognized her immediately.

"Cecelia." His eyes grew dark and venomous, and Landroval stepped back. Smart move. With a great cry, Alegirotuby pulled out his wings and soared towards Cecelia. She stepped out of the way and performed a magic spell. Her hands glowed, and she shot the dark power at him.

"You cannot defeat me. I still hold my power over you," she whispered as he drew near. "You are under my power and you are in my control," she said repetitively.

"You do not."

"Do you yet know your name?" she asked hauntingly.

His lips quivered. "M...m-m-mon-monticel..." He bit his lip, and Cecelia cackled even louder.

"I STILL HAVE SUPREMITY OVER YOUR PATHETIC MIND!" He looked down in shame. The dark power that had kinda gotten stuck in the space of them talking reappeared and shot him in the stomach. She grabbed him and pulled him close. "I not only have your mind," she whispered, as he got a very close-up view of her low-cut dress, "I have you physically as well." Landroval cringed.

"Why exactly is she showing off her...you know?" Tristan asked, not understanding the stupidity of Sues.

"I don't exactly know, buuuut I think that she is pretty much just being a scum." Tristan grimaced.

"Disgusting creatures..." Landroval nodded.

"My thoughts exactly, Tristan."

Not only were Landroval and Tristan cringing, Alegirotuby was wincing at seeing thus grossness. For half a moment, Cecelia looked into his eyes, lifting her hand towards his. Then she snapped back and let go of him. "You could...cover yourself up..." he trailed off, trying to look away from her immodest dress.

"And lose my darling's favor?"

"Who's your 'darling'?" he asked, looking rather bored.

"The master," she whispered.

"You mean Will? He's dead..." The dragon almost laughed at her stupidity.

"He SHALL NEVER DIE!" She pulled out a long, thin sword. Alegirotuby gave a great roar, and released his claws, fire spewing out of his loud bellow. Cecelia stepped towards him, guarding herself with her sword. He puffed out a cloud of fire, glaring at her with increasing intensity. "YAH!" She lunged at him, swinging with her sword five times as he attempted to guard himself with his strong claws. He caught her sword, and their faces drew close together.

"Your power is waning," he said, his eyes red with fury.

"But if I die, your mind will be distraught and unable to cope," she whispered back. He curled her sword around, giving the metal a pretty twist. (hee) She backed up a few yards, preparing herself for a stronger blow. He clenched his fists, steam coming out of his nose. "YAAAARGH!" She bolted towards him at all speed. A flash of light dashed before his eyes, and she smirked. He tried to protect himself, to get his claws up in time, but it was too late. Her sword smashed against his thick skin. Her power had strengthened and her (twisted) sword sliced through his skin like a knife through butter.

"AGH!" he cried out in pain, as the piercing sound of metal grinding against bone screamed in their ears.

**EEEEIIIIGGGHHH!**

She drew back. He winced, clutching at his deep wound. Anger burned in his eyes. Smoke blew from his mouth. His fists clenched. His breathing became more rapid. He turned to her, bearing his claws. She tried to dodge him but his quick movements caught her off guard. He dove at her, and grabbed her neck between his claws.

"You will pay for all that you have done," he growled, and he turned to see the battlefield, where many lie alone, crying, wounded, and some, dead. Then she loosened up in his strong grip. Her eyes softened, and her face seemed generally prettier.

"What have I done to this poor world?" she asked, her voice soft. He turned to her, and she gazed back at him.

He sighed. "You only helped the most annoying man in the world to destroy lots of innocent people!" he shouted.

"Could I help being forced?" He raised his eyebrows. Her look of innocence told him she wasn't lying.

"Forced?" She didn't answer. There was a moment of silence (for Bingy the hamster), and then he whispered, "Are you truly sorry for all of this?"

"Of course I am. I couldn't stand the thought of it, but the master has unexplainable methods of getting his way..." she trailed off. "I am truly sorry that all of this happened-to you and your friends." He sighed again.

"DON'T LISTEN TO HER, ALEG! SHE'S PULLING YOUR LEG! SHE'S TOTALLY MAKING UP CRAP! WHEN YOU TURN AROUND, SHE'LL GUT YOU THROUGH! DON'T LET HER SAPPY STORY GET TO YOU!" Landroval screamed. He was joined by three dragons. "SHE'S JUST A FAT LIAR! SHE HELPED WILL THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH IN GOOD CONSCIENCE!" Alegirotuby stared her in the face.

"You know, they're probably right. And if they're not, I couldn't care less." He slit her throat with a simple scratch of his claw.

"No..." she whispered, and then he bit off her head.

Landroval and the others were cheering. "BOOYAH, MAN!"

Her headless body shriveled. Alegirotuby dropped her. "She was kind of pretty. What a shame." He turned and walked back to his buddies.

"YAY FOR ALEGIROTUBY!" they shouted, and they lifted him in the air. It was actually more of an attempt than an actual lift...but anyway. They were happy, and that's what matters.

* * *

"Who the heck are you guys?" some lady asked. Her bright red bandana covered her tied-back orange hair. 

"Ummm..." Aidan stuttered, holding his finger in mid-air. Mal slapped his shoulder.

"We are Its! I am Mal, and this-" she pointed at his face, which was rather contorted as he tried to speak. "Um...he's another dude..." She winced at his face. "Umm..."

Mizel stomped up to them. "We're here with the protection agency! Have you been abusing your children lately? Have you been spanking them with a stick? Have you been cutting back on their milk intake?" He gasped, and Mal grabbed his shoulders and started wheeling him away. "Have you been giving them too many vitamins!?" Mal rolled her eyes.

"Just a moment, miss, let me go find our manager..."

A little while later, Behrooz was shaking hands with the mysterious lady.

"I'm Adea," she said.

"I'm Behrooz. Nice to meet you," he said, giving her a gentlemanly smile.

"My house is right over there, do you guys want some-"

"NOT CORRECT! It would be 'My house is right over there; do you guys'. A semicolon is used in such sentences, not a comma!" Elrond corrected, but Behrooz shot him a look that kept him silent for a few hours.

Adea gave him a weird look, but then continued. "Do you guys want some sandwiches or something? Or...I have some guest rooms..."

"That would be AWESOME!" Aidan said, his finger finally moving from its frozen place.

Adea laughed, and led the entire army to her house.

* * *

Tristan found Orrick, and sat down next to him. He patted him on the shoulder. "That was awesome." Orrick sighed.

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Are you still thinking about Chey?"

"Yeah. And I remember when I went to jail for damaging public property."

"I remember that. You totally busted up that one guy's gravestone..."

"I don't know why I did it, but I remember that you came and visited me and set me straight."

They were silent for a moment, and then Tristan said, "Well, there's this cool lady who invited us to come and hang at her house." Orrick nodded. Tristan got up, and lended a hand to Orrick. Orrick gladly took it.

"Thanks, Tristan."

"No problem."

They both smiled, and walked together to Adea's house.

_Sniff...this is almost the end...HAH! Got you guys fooled there for a sec, eh? Thought Cecelia might actually be okay? Hm? No, you guys wouldn't fall for that...(Hamlet crying in background) Hamlet did. But that's another story._


	18. Adea's House

Hehe, second-to-last cliffie! It's going to be less intense. (Snort) Like it ever was.

Chapter 18:

Adea's House

Tristan and Orrick made it to Adea's place, and they joined the others. Adea, for some strange reason, had a very large and very modern house. We're not sure why. Anyway, she let the whole gang come in. The Its sat down in her family room, she let the squirrels hop a squat on her rafters, the camels found various portions of the floor, the Elves and Men were given some chairs nearby, and Adea, Behrooz, Elrond, Hamlet, Crevan, Boxy, and Bitten sat down at her table.

"So, why are you guys here?" Adea asked, handing the sixsome six glasses and a pitcher of lemonade.

"We came to destroy the rotten Sues," Behrooz stated, pouring some lemonade. There was a knock on the door.

"Just a moment," Adea called, getting up from her chair and walking over to her front door. "Hello?"

"Hi!" She looked down, and saw a lot of little childrens. The one in front spoke up. "I'm Kyla, and these are my buddies!" she said in a cute little-kid accent.

"I see, and what may I do for you?" Adea asked, stooping down to meet the childrens' eyes. Kyla blushed and giggled.

"We want to see Miss Crevan," she said politely, her bright eyes flickering.

"Miss Crevan?" Adea turned around. Crevan gulped her drink down and started out the door.

"AH! My buddies!" She kneeled down and attempted to hug all of the childrenses at once. "What is it? Is something wrong?" she asked, looking at Kyla.

"No, we just wanted to help!" Kyla grinned.

"Help with..." Crevan raised her eyebrows, and the childrenses all turned to the Sues who had not been slain. Crevan looked, too. Kyla reached behind her back and pulled out a spear.

"We're going to help you defeat the Sues!" she exclaimed, as the other children drew their weapons. Kyla giggled as she dangled the tassel that hung from her spear.

"Oh! That would be helpful," Crevan said, nodding. "And we can give you guys fruit snacks when you're done!" All of the children went bug-eyed.

"FRUIT SNACKS!?" came the surprised cry.

"Yep!" Crevan grinned as they started chanting, "Fruit snacks! Fruit snacks!" and marched towards the Sues. She laughed, and went back inside.

"Who were they...?" Adea asked, sitting back down.

"Those were some of my friends," Crevan stated, taking the glass of lemonade Behrooz passed to her.

"I see. So, back to the present question, where the heck did you guys come from!?" Behrooz smiled. He turned to Bitten.

"'The powers of an author can rule the world,'" Elrond stated, shutting a book entitled "The Biography of Charles Windberg". ;) Bitten nodded.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Hey, why are there some black and white paintings over here?" Mizel asked. "The rest of the room is bright orange!"

"That's my black and white section of the room," Adea answered.

"Where did you get that tribal mask?" Behrooz asked, pointing towards a very red and very scary mask.

"I got that in Kampuchea. You see, I went with some friends-" She was cut off.

**BEEEP!**

"Sorry, I have to go get my laundry. I'll be right back. Oh, the pizza man is coming, so, you can take however much you want!" she called, going down the steps. Ryu followed her.

"Excuse me, but can I be of help?" Ryu asked once they got downstairs.

"Sure. Can you reach that jar of Tide? I can never reach it," Adea answered, pointing to the said soap. Ryu grabbed it and handed it to her.

"No problem." Ryu looked around. The room was fairly clean, with a few cobwebs here and there, and...a fly on one of the said cobwebs. Ryu swallowed. "Errmmm..." she mumbled, pointing at the fly.

"What?" Adea asked, and then she saw the fly. "Oh, my." She stuffed some clothes into her washer. "Help me! Help me!" she said in a particularly high voice. "OH! THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA!" She pushed the "on" button on her dryer, grabbed a basket and attempted to jump up the stairs, but it didn't work very well. "OUCH!" she yelped, as she fell down the steps.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?" Ryu nearly screamed, trying to pick up the fallen Adea.

"I was," Adea mumbled, rubbing her ear. But then she recovered, grabbed her basket and headed up the steps, Ryu following close behind. Adea plopped the basket on the floor, and grabbed her phone. "Hehe..." She dialed some numbers. "Hello? Yes! Ummm, not really, I just want some helium balloons." The Insanity group gasped.

"HELIUM BALLOONS!?" they repeated.

"Yeah, um...really!? FIVE THOUSAND OF THEM FOR ONLY NINE NINETY-FIVE!?" Adea yelled. "SWEET! ...oh. So I have to be part of the PETA? You mean, People Endangered To America? No? Um...is that the one that's, like, People Eclipsing The Armory? No? Then, People Eating Tasty Animals? NO!? THEN WHICH IS IT!? Oh. Lame. Okay, well, good-bye." Adea hung up abruptly.

"Who were you calling?" Behrooz asked.

"Well, I was calling the helium store, buut...they said I had to be an active member of PETA. Yeah." She gasped. "OH! I DIDN'T THINK OF THEM!" She dialed some more numbers. "Hello? I would...no, I would like some helium balloons!" She grinned. "Errr...seventy-five cents a piece?" She covered the mouth of the phone. "Would you all each pay a dollar and a half if I got some balloons? I can't afford to buy them all myself, sorry."

"No problem. I'm willing to pay," Behrooz said. He turned to his gang. "How about you guys?" A unanimous "YEAH!" rang in their voices. "Guess they are too," he said, laughing. Elrond nodded solemnly, along with his troops of Elves, and Aragorn, and the Men, and the Dwarves, and the Ents. The squirrels chattered among themselves, but decided to go with it. The same happened with the Bags, the Its, and Toothpaste and the hobbits. Everyone said yes.

"WHOOT! Okay, I would like twenty-eight thousand of them, please!" She grinned. "WHOOOT! YEAH! Bum bum bum! I like balloons, one two five! I love them, to have a high voice!" she sang into the phone! "Yeah, deliver them to" and she rattled off her address, city, state, zip code, etc. "Righto!" And she hung up. "Okay! They'll be delivered in like, five minutes!"

"Helium balloons..." Orrick grinned. Tristan smiled. Seeing Orrick smile after his sudden flashbacks was a pretty cool thing. A loud meowing was heard from somewhere in the corner.

Adea's face turned somewhat white. "Just a second, I need to go get my cat out of the blender." And she did. Everyone was weirded out for a second, but then they all talked and drank some lemonade for a while, and they saw the helium balloon man waaay before he even got to the door.

Mizel burst outside, and yelled, "WHOOT! I'll take these!" He grabbed the balloons and the thirty-some weights attached to them. "Look at me, Mika! I can lift more weights than you!" He showed off the many weights he was "lifting". Adea payed the bill, and gathered everyone outside.

In a few minutes, everyone had two balloons tied to them. Everyone silenced themselves as Behrooz was given the honor of being the first to take a breath. He untied the balloon, put the front to his lips, and took in a deep breath. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee dee dee dee, there they are a standing in a row, bum bum, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!" he squealed in an exceedingly high-pitched voice. The field roared with laughter. The little childrens came up to them and grinned.

"May we have some, too?" Kyla asked, using her adorabible smile. Crevan grinned, and gave them all some balloons.

"So, Behrooz, can I have the honor of second-breather?" Keanu asked. Adea laughed.

"Sure, why not," both she and Behrooz said. Keanu sucked in a big breath.

"It's a small world after all!" Ryu laughed. Kyla sucked in some helium, too.

"We are the Munchkins, the happy Munchkins, the little Munchkins!" she sang.

Mal sucked some out of Aidan's balloon while he wasn't looking. "Cinderelli, Cinderelli, her feet are quite so smelly!" Aidan turned, and she giggled in a high-pitched voice. He laughed. Soon, the entire field roared with laughter and the sound of high-pitched voices.

Kyla gathered all of her friends together and sang, "Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!"

"They aren't too bad," Ryu said to Keanu.

"No, not bad at all," Keanu replied, the helium still ringing in his voice. She laughed and hugged him.

"If you feel light-headed, STOP BREATHING HELIUM!" Behrooz commanded.

"What soft through yonder window breaks?" Hamlet squealed. Boxy said something back to her that was unintelligible.

Tayten sang the Phantom of the Opera in a high octave.

Tristan gave the speech about highway safety.

Aidan sang something in rap.

Orrick said his favorite movie lines.

Elrond recited some books from the eighteenth century.

Ryu and Keanu sang a duet. "Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain!"

Willow joined in.

The squirrels chatted in a sound of wind-chimes.

The bags sang some song in French.

The children made their own choir and sang "The Hills Are Alive".

The dwarves put on a play with deep songs of sadness and vikings.

The Elvish ladies and Women sang a sonata as the Elvish men and Men talked about the Brewer's game.

Kaden and Kiley laughed together about some monkeys in Australia.

Shae recited some poetry to Terpsichore.

Zilch did nothing.

The rest of the Its had their own conversations.

And Bitten and Hamlet sang a song together that they had learned from the radio in Bitten's golf cart. "Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah yeah..."

Vijay sang "Dancin' in the Moonlight" and danced at the same time.

Zbigniew and Crevan sang "The Ballad of the Fish and the Bird", and they were pretty good.

Behrooz sang sang and played his cool guitar. (um, the other guys played their instruments too, but Behrooz hasn't gotten a turn yet)

After a long time of fun, laughing, squeaky voices, change clinking into the money jar, and passing out, the balloons were all used up. Adea led everyone back inside. "Well," she said, half-laughing, "that was fun!" Everyone agreed.

"Wait...wasn't the pizza supposed to get here a long time ago?" Mizel asked, his stomach rumbling.

"Yeah, I wonder what's holding them up..." Adea wondered. "Oh, well. Let's play a game. Umm...since there are so many of us...I suppose we can either break into a bunch of teams, or play a bunch of different games." Behrooz nodded.

"I think it would be fun if we all played charades," he suggested.

"Good idea," Adea agreed. "But what about-"

"Us?" Kyla asked. "We can play tea if you have a spear-holder." Adea stifled a laugh.

"Um, I don't, but-" she was cut off.

"AND A THA FRUIT SNACKS!" Crevan handed them a hugantical box of yummyful fruit snacks.

Adea continued. "I do have some large boxes! I know!" She led them upstairs. As it turned out, she had a pet miniature rhino. They played tea with it in her upstairs playroom.

"Charades!" came the cheer. They played a few games of charades, but then they decided that Elrond was being too picky about how they acted out scenes of historic events, so they sent him upstairs to play tea.

Then the doorbell rang.

"I'LL GET IT!" Mal screamed, running at the door at full speed. She rammed into it. "Ow..." The door magically opened, and the pizza man stood with his mound of pizzas. "Sweet..." she muttered from her place on the floor. Behrooz took the boxes, thanked the man, and paid the bill. Adea gave him a thankful look. Everyone got some pizza and Dr. Pepper (except Elrond. He's on a strict diet. He can't be seen with a fat stomach, you know), and they popped "Lord of the Rings" into Adea's VCR and they were awed by her hugantical screen.

"You know, this looks awfully familiar," Mal said, and they all laughed.

Aragorn added, "I can't imagine why."

;) I honestly don't know. You should ask Elrond. He's weird.

_Sob! The End! Actually, there's one more cliffie. It's the sad one. Yeah. (Sniff) I don't know what to write now! I guess I'll just go cry..._

_Hehe, Crevan and Zbigniew or Crevan and Behrooz? If it were to be Crevan and Zbigniew, would Behrooz get jealous? Hehe, only time will tell..._


	19. A Place Far Away

Sniffle...sad cliffie now...

Chapter 19:

A Place Far Away

"Tiger, where are we going?" Tayten asked, holding Landroval's hand (claw, wing, whatever).

"I want you to see the sunset." Landroval smiled as they sat down and looked at the red hues and orange stripes coming from the radiant sunset. He tried to think of the words to say, of how to tell her..."Tayten?" he said, turning towards her.

"Yeah, Tiger?" She looked at him with her wide, bright eyes. It made his throat swell to see her clueless look.

"I...I can't stay here forever, you know." He watched her carefully as she looked at him, still clueless. "In fact, I can't stay here very long at all." She smiled, and he inwardly sighed, knowing that she didn't fully understand the gravity of the situation.

"That's okay! Where are we planning to go?"

"That's the problem. You see, my home is-"

"We get to go to your home?"

"No, the air there in the mountains is so cold that you would freeze to death. So you cannot go there."

Tayten looked shocked for a moment, but her happiness returned shortly. "That's still okay! We can go back to my home!"

"No, Tayten." He looked at her sternly, and she really tried to figure out what he meant. "I need to go to my home. I have a daughter there who needs me, and I need to feed her and my other kids." Tears came to his eyes. "My daughter...she is just like you...I would chase her around the mountain, or let her ride on my back, or sing to her the Song of the Mountains."

"Sing it to me?"

"What?" Landroval asked, looking confused.

"Sing the song to me." He sighed, knowing that she had gotten off track and that it would be hard to explain it again.

"Alright. But only once." Then he stood up and turned his head towards the mountains far away, and began a song, and his beautiful Eagle voice rang through the air, and the wonderful calmness and beauty of the song flowed through the wind, but together, they created a sound that made your heart warm to hear, that made any unhappy spirit instantly calmed, and brought a wonderful peace throughout the world.

Then they heard another voice, one much higher, sing the song back. Landroval's eyes swelled with tears and he could not keep them back. The serene and yet jubilant voice sang together with Landroval's. The sound of the other voice only made him sing all the louder, and he smiled and cried simultaneously, unable to keep his emotions back.

Then the song slowly faded away, and he sat back down again. "Tayten, I must go to my home." He stared at her, and her eyes glimmered with tears. "Alone." He almost cried again as he said it, and he saw how much this hurt her.

"But...Tiger...you can't leave..."

"Yes, I must. I have a family that's waiting for me. You heard her, didn't you?" Tayten's eyes grew wide.

"That was...your..."

"Yes, that was...my darling mate... I must go." Tayten looked at him, and for a moment he thought he would burst.

"You have to go?" her lip quivered as she said it, and he nodded.

"Yes. I promise you I will never forget you," he whispered.

Three of his Eagle buddies came out of the door of Adea's house. They saw Landroval, and one of them called, "Hey, man! Are you ready to go?"

"Go? Go where?" Tayten asked, fear overtaking her.

"To my home."

"Already?"

"Yes." She swallowed the lump in her throat, and stifled a sob.

"Okay...but you have to promise that you'll visit!"

"Tayten..."

"Promise?" she asked, and her wide eyes made him smile.

"Alright, I promise. I will come see you one day." She smiled, and hugged him. He was so caught off guard that he almost fell over, but he hugged her back. "Goodbye, Tayten," he whispered, looking her in the eye. He let go of her, and nodded to his buddies.

"Goodbye, Tiger! Come back to see me sometime!" she called, as he lifted his wings and took to the sky.

"Goodbye, Tayten!"

"Bye, Tiger!" She waved, and he smiled. She turned and ran to find Tristan, a torrent of tears flowing down her cheeks. She looked back one last time to see him wave, and then he flew towards the mountains, his voice singing the Song of the Mountains once more.

Bitten by a cow

Hamlet of Venice

Crevan "Asylum-Sent-For" Nasha

Boxy the Box

Behrooz the Camel

Keanu the Camel

Zbigniew the Camel

Camels of Arabia

Butty Will

Cupid Daydream

Mal Adelle-Tait ;)

Aidan Tait

Mizel Chi

Tristan Wei

Tayten Takoda

Landroval the Great Eagle

Elrond of Rivendell

Kaden

Kiley

Al the Gerbil

Spice the Gerbil

Squirrels from your backyard

Plastic bags

Dwarves of Moria

Pippin Took

Frodo Baggins

Sam Gaffer

Merry Brandybuck

Aragorn the Smelly

...and The Toothpaste

**The Story of the Parvani**

or **Insanity Vs. The Mary Sues**

_Cast_

Lots of People

_Crew_

People who can screw in lightbulbs

_Other_

Reviewers

New Line Cinema

Fanfiction

Bittenbyacow

;) Teehee...

-Bitten

* * *

"Why did it have to end this way?" Hamlet sobbed. And Bitten was crying hysterically. 

"Hand me a Kleenex, will you?" Bitten asked through her rush of tears.

"That was so sad! I will never be able to laugh again!" Hamlet broke down, pulling a tissue out of the almost-empty box. "Why? Ohh, the pain...why couldn't she live in the cold with him there? The flame of their happiness would have kept her warm! And he would hug her too..."

"She could have...been a mountain dweller..." Bitten mumbled, wiping her eyes. Hamlet made a huge sob.

"PLEASE! Ohhh...how could the end be so...ohhhh...near?" She blew her nose. "Why?"

"Ohh! The sadness!" Bitten sobbed. "Why? How could you leave her, Landroval? Your friendship was so...happy..." Hamlet grabbed another Kleenex.

"Why? How could such-why couldn't they be together? SHE LOVED HIM!" Hamlet sobbed again.

_...the (sniffle) end. _


	20. Epilogue

Alright, guys, you know me. I can't end it quite like that. (sigh) I'm such a wuss. Anyway, here's the REALLY FINAL chapter. Actually, you guys can pretend that it's actually just a...um...something.

Epilogue! That's the word!

The smell of fresh bread and garlic filled the air. The appetizing lighting brightened the room with warm yellows, light reds, and fiery oranges. A few dozen empty wine bottles lined the windows. The nice, squishy seats were perfectly cleaned. The sound of straws sucking the last of the drinks sounded throughout the room. Laughing and giggles could be heard echoing around them.

Tristan set his cup down. "Thanks for bringing us here, Mal."

"No prob," Mal said, her mouth half-full of breadstick.

Aidan sucked up some of his mocha. ;) "Yeah. This place is the bomb."

Tayten, who had recently recovered from her depression, giggled as she watched the lady with the basket of breadsticks pass around. "She's coming again," she whispered. Everyone grabbed a breadstick from the pile in the middle of the table, and hid them under their napkins.

"Can I get you any more?" the lady asked, smiling.

"Sure!" Aidan nodded, his smile giving them away. Tayten giggled.

"Okay..."

"Six of them would be nice!" Mika said, raising her cup of strawberry lemon ice drink. (that's a long drink name) The lady grabbed six of the buttery goodness that was breadsticks with her prongs, and set them on their pile of napkins.

"Thank you!" Mizel said, stuffing one into his mouth. His eyes glazed. He slowly chewed, the creamy butter and the sizzling garlic salt and the hot bread mixing together in his mouth. He finally swallowed. "Holy crap, these ones are awesome!" He grabbed another one. Mika grabbed two. Tayten tried to get one. Mal and Aidan weren't about to let the good batch of breadsticks slip through their hands. Tristan tried to stay out. There was a fight, but eventually everyone got their equal share. Mizel had been forced to give back the half-eaten breadstick. We really don't need to go into that.

Tayten grabbed a sticker from the toy that had come with her kid meal. "It's a smiley face! Look, Tristan!" she giggled, sticking the sticker to her cheek.

"That's...amazing..." Tristan trailed off, grimacing at the toy.

"What's the matter?" she asked, suddenly losing her grin at his...strange...face.

"Um...the toy...it's..." he pointed at the toy. "It's made out of cardboard." Mal stifled a snickered. Aidan started choking on his mocha.

"That's amazing..." Mizel said, silently adding, "that's pathetic." Mika reached out her hand, and the (cardboard) toy disappeared.

Tayten gave her a "I'm not an idiot" look. "Mika, give it back, please." Mika smiled. She twitched her hand, and a marvulous toy appeared in its place! It wasn't made of cardboard! Yay!

"You know, everything is good about this place except the toys," Aidan commented, leaning back in his chair.

"Got that right," Mal said, and she took a sip of her drink. "One time, I got a toy, and it was a little stick-thing. I'm not sure what it was supposed to do...so I turned it into a place to put my bottle caps on. Very useful." Mizel coughed.

"Amazing..." He looked at Mal and Aidan, who were glancing at each other. "So, when are you guys getting married?" he asked bluntly.

"WHAT!?" Aidan nearly threw his drink.

"Married!?" Mal exclaimed. "Why the heck would we get married!? I don't even like him!"

"Sure you don't..." Mizel muttered. "So what was the whole kissy-kissy thing about when we were beating up the Sues?"

"What time when we were beating up the Sues? That happened a lot of times," Aidan reminded him.

"That was...coincidence!" Mizel smirked at her lack of a good excuse. "It was my evil twin!" Tristan whistled.

Tayten shook her head. "Does your evil twin have...NOSTRIL HAIRS?" Mal looked shocked.

"What?" came her confused reply. Tristan shook his head.

"Err..." He kinda was weirded out. Then no one spoke for a few minutes.

"Awkward silence..." Mika said, twiddling her thumbs.

"What are you doing?" Mizel asked, as he watched her place her hands on top of the other and swing her thumbs back and forth.

"It's the awkward turtle."

Everyone was silent again, until Tayten whispered, "She's coming, guys!" They all turned and saw the breadstick-lady coming near them. They grabbed the leftover breadsticks and shoved them into their mouths.

She graciously asked, "Would you guys like some more?" even though she obviously saw the pieces of bread hanging out of their mouths, and she also saw Mizel choking up.

"Of course!" Mika said, her mouth entirely blocked by breadstick. The lady almost laughed, but she stifled her snickering and gave them some more.

"Six again?" she asked, watching them attempt to swallow.

"Yeah," Tristan said, after a painful swallow. Mal turned her face, trying to hide her laughter. Once the lady had given them breadsticks and left, Mal couldn't hold it any longer. She burst out laughing, her breadstick flying all over the place. She laughed so hard that tears came to her eyes. Watching her, the rest of them couldn't help but laugh too. Soon the whole table was shaking with laughter. Aidan slapped her on the back.

"That was awesome."

"Yeah, she's gonna go home and tell her friends, 'There were these freaks at work...'" Tristan said, his shoulders shaking.

"Yeah, 'They had some problems...'" Mal continued.

"Ah, that made my day," Mizel laughed.

"Totally." Mika nodded, and the Happy Days began.

...until Mizel spilled Mika's drink all over her. Then came the Anviling Days.

;) Do you guys remember?

_Well, this is the for real end. It was awesome making this. I've laughed so hard over this story and some of its lines...I really hope you guys had as much fun as I did. Can you tell me what you thought? You don't even have to review me, just send me a PM saying some randomness like, "That was awesome, my face is peeling from laughter," or, "I really wish I hadn't brought my drink over to the computer" or something. I really love knowing that you guys had a laugh over it. Thanks a camel! I love you all! Hope you have a great school year!_

End.

-Bitten by a cow


	21. Holiday Special: Awards!

Yay! It's Christmas time again! And this year I'm giving out awards to my whole cast! So, it's pretty long...

Holiday Special!

Awards! Yay!

"Hey, everybody! Heh, I guess it's only normal that I say what this is about..." Bitten cleared her throat, and sat down on the stage. "Well, since everybody's been so awesome this year, with Insanity, and the other random stories, I figured that it was cool to give everybody awards!" Keanu shuffled into his seat, and a little pink stuffed porcupine in his hand squeaked.

"Um, we sorta have an announcement..." Willow started, glancing around nervously.

"I'm going to have a girl!" Ryu cried out, tears forming in her eyes. Behrooz and Crevan gasped. Bitten coughed.

"Really?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"Yeah!" Ryu giggled, grabbing Keanu and squeezing him.

"Sweet! Then you can have the first award!" Bitten cleared her throat again, and produced a pink paper. "This," she said, holding up the paper, "is your award! The "Most Girly-yet Awesome" award! Yay!" Ryu walked up the stage and took the paper. Then she hugged Bitten, and walked back. Bitten was slightly weirded out, but she was okay. "Well-" she was interrupted by a series of "tsk" noises. Aidan and Mal were sitting next to each other, and whispering things.

Bitten gasped. "What?" Mal asked, assuming an "innocent" look.

"I also have a dreadful announcement..." Bitten said darkly, staring at Aidan.

"No, you wouldn't tell them THAT..." Aidan shook his head, but Bitten stared back into his soul. "Would you?" he cowered.

"BUAHAHAHA! THE PUNISHMENT FOR MAKING NOISES DURING MY SPEECH IS DOOM OF SECRECY!" Bitten sat back down. "Aidan...has a problem." Everyone gasped, save for Aidan himself. He merely swallowed in fear. "He...he isn't exactly...normal..." Aidan whimpered. "He...he isn't really...not very much..."

"Just spit it out!" Vijay burped, his impatience running low.

Bitten sighed. "Aidan isn't an It." The whole room went dead silent.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE AIN'T AN IT!?" Mizel screamed, curling into a ball. "HE'S ALWAYS BEEN NORMAL!"

"Right. Aidan is...special. He's...a half-It."

"He certainly is..." Mizel muttered. (he thought she said "half-wit")

"No, you idiot," Bitten snapped, smacking him. (she knew what he was thinking)

Aidan sniffled. "My 'dad', as you might call him, was an It...but not so much for my mom..."

"His mom was a midget," Mal finished, patting him on the back. A series of strange noises erupted around the room.

"Well, anyway, let's say happy things now." Bitten pulled out another award. "This one is for you, Aidan," she began, "and yours is 'The Trooper". You were pretty cool at keeping going, even when everybody else was...slacking." Bitten smiled, and Aidan made his way up.

"Thanks, man," he said, and she gave him a hug.

"No problem." Bitten pulled out another award. "Okey-day, this is for...Vijay! He's been pretty awesome. He flew to McDonalds a few times and got us lunch," she added, and Hamlet nodded.

"Yay!" Vijay leaped onto the stage and snatched the award out of Bitten's arm. "Thankee!" He suddenly kissed her on the cheek and bounded away. Bitten was aghast (I like that word) for a moment, then snapped out of it. She shook her head, rather weirded out, and pulled the tarp off of a gianourmous painting.

"This," she said, running her hand over the wood frame, "is a fine artwork by Willow." Everyone gasped. The picture depicted everyone that had helped in any way for the Insanity:

Bitten, Hamlet, and Boxy all stood at the base of a hill, saluting to the viewer, while Landroval and Alegirotuby chased Tayten around the sky. Tristan and Orrick leaned on each other, grinning towards the flying trio. Aidan and Mal laughed while sipping a strawberry lemon ice and eating breadsticks. Kyla and her mass of childrens were all giggling over a game of Scrabble, and Adea was removing her cat from the blender. Elrond and Behrooz were staring at a quarter, placing bets on which side it would land on. Each of the Its was busy doing something that they enjoyed or specialed at, though there were so many I could hardly tell them all to you.

The piece was amazing, to put it bluntly. Every person was perfectly etched on the white paper, their faces seamless, realistic, almost as if you could reach out an touch them. If you didn't stare hard at it for a long time, you wouldn't notice that it was drawn at all.

The lines of Crevan's face were smooth but jointed as she kicked down a remaining Stue, and an oven mitt guarded her from burning as she held a cookie sheet in her hand. Keanu and Ryu were arm in arm, singing some ballad to an old CD player, and their features seemed to stretch out above the others. Willow himself was in the picture, shrunk back, sitting cross-legged at the side of the hill, just watching the surroundings carefully as he often does on chilly mornings.

The sky was colored with such accuracy that it truly resembled the real thing, as the cloud floated carelessly by, their white puffs billowing out like popcorn. The sun was not in the picture, but you knew right where it was because the shading was so delicate and realistic that it truly felt alive. Needless to say, Willow is an amazing drawer.

"You did this?" Ryu asked, surprised. She turned to her small son.

"Yeah, mom. I did it," he answered, nodding. He looked back at his picture, and laid his ears back in shame.

"What's up?" Keanu said, glancing between Behrooz and Behrooz's picture. He was amazed. _Holy cow, MY kid did this?_

"N-nothing..." Willow stuttered, shuffling his feet. "I just forgot to draw Chey, too." He looked sadly at Orrick.

"It's okay, man. It's okay." Orrick patted his back. "You're amazing."

Bitten cleared her throat. "Anyway, as you are awesome, this award goes to you, Willow!" Bitten smiled and handed him the award. He laughed aloud as he read the inscription, 'Bestest Drawer/Poker Winner'.

"Thanks," he said, treasuring his new award.

"No problem, " Bitten said, winking. "Well, this award is for...Keanu! It is...'Longest Tongued'. You guys, if you thought Barthalemew-"

"The mutant giraffe and a half," said blue-tongued one continued.

"And his two pet storks!" finished Kiley.

"If you thought HIS tongue was long, you should see Keanu's!" Bitten beckoned Keanu up. "Dude, show them your tongue," she snickered, pulling out her fly zapper. Keanu saw it out of the corner of his eye, but stuck his tongue out anyway. It came out, strangely orangish, and kept coming...he kept stretching his tongue, like a lizard ready to snap a fly. By the time he started choking, his tongue was almost to Ryu's face.

"Ahh! Get it away!" she squeaked, and Bitten giggled, slapping the swatter on Keanu's tongue.

"AHAHA!" Bitten cackled, as Keanu's tongue singed. "Just kidding, here's some aloe." And she put aloe on Keanu's tongue. He walked off stage.

"I'll get you for that..." he spat.

"Well, our next person that I'm going to zap-" Bitten coughed at this point, "-I mean, give an award to...is...Mizel! Yeah!" She held out the award to him as he clambered onto the stage. "You win the 'Most Lively' award. You made sure we were all awake when we needed to beat that dagged Cupid, and that was helpful..." Mizel took the award happily, and grinned. "Well, Tiny Gnat, you have been pretty awesome." She patted his head.

"Thankies," he replied, and leaped off the stage with a galorious thump.

"Yepies," Bitten answered, and turned to Tayten. "Your turn!" she giggled, and added, "Yours is 'Most Happy'! You always made us laugh when we were about to die. Thank you for that!" Bitten laughed, and Tayten giddily took the award, not really sure of the compliments she'd just been given. "Well, I'd like to give this award to a little friend of ours, Kyla!" Kyla, the three-year-old assasin, bounded onto the stage with her little tassled spear.

"Yay! Do I get some fruit snacks?" she asked, her face beaming.

"As a matter of fact, you do!" Bitten extended to her the award and a large package of Gerber® fruit snacks.

"Yay!" Kyla giggled and hopped away. Bitten was a little dumbfounded for a moment, then retrieved a large box. Crevan drooled at the sight.

"This," said Bitten, "is a present for many of you." She sliced it open, and drew out...a soda pop machine! "I got it for everybody! Only fifty cents per can! Yeah! And," she added, offering the box to Crevan, "this is yours." Crevan grinned, and gladly took the box. "Keanu and Behrooz have offered to set it up in the main room, so we can get it whenever." She hopped a squat on the ground again. "Now, though, I want something special! Vijay and Sparky are a gonna do a dance!"

Sparky leaped onto the stage with a galorious thump, and Vijay scrambled along behind him. The grande music started...yeah, you know what..."Dancin' in the moonlight! Alright!"

[line

When they finished, Bitten handed out awards to Sparky, the Dragons, and Alegirotuby. But then Behrooz spoke up. "Hey, Bitten?" he asked.

"Yeah, Behrooz?"

"Where are Al and Spice?" Behrooz looked around, trying to spot his small friend.

"Spice has been banished," Milandu answered darkly. "He went nuts. No pun intended." Bitten nodded.

"He went on a rage and got out of his cage again, but this time he saw Al and tried to attack her...well, I caught him and tried to pull him away, but he bit me, the little devil, so I banished him. Right out the door." Bitten shook her head. "Such a little scum, he was..."

"He told me he ran away thrice...was he right?" Bitten nodded again.

"And got out countless other times. Well, if he ever comes back, he'd better have his tail between his legs and he'd better apologize!" she growled. She huffed a little. "Al is still mortified. She doesn't even come out from behind her food-house anymore..."

"Now now, dear Bitten, there beeth the kind that laugh and cause frivolous and jubilant feelings, and some that cause unhappiness and despair. Spice cannot be entirely blamed for his foul deeds," Hamlet said, patting Bitten on the back.

"Yeah, I s'pose." Bitten sighed, and shook herself. "Anyway, on a slightly happier note, we, meaning the entire Insanity cast, won the Golden Globe Award for best picture! Yeah!" And then came a happy applause.

"Hooray!" came the cheer, and almost everyone stood up. Boxy has a bit of an issue with standing up, you see...

"And the next award is for...Galadriel and her elves! Though she never really came on screen, she helped us a TON with the lights and she helped Landroval to develop his voice. It was pretty helpful, seeing as Landroval couldn't sing to save his life before..." Bitten cleared her throat. "Here you are, Galadriel," she said, handing said glowing elf an award. It read 'Lightest Light-Bearer".

"What is that supposed to mean?" Galadriel asked brusquely.

"Well, you were the lightest person working in the lights..." Bitten mumbled, shuffling her feet. Galadriel laughed.

"Okay! Thank you!" and she swept away in a mirror of light. Whatever that means.

"Okey-dokey, now is for Mizel!" Bitten grinned as the small pest leaped onto the stage. "You get 'Possibly Least Obnoxious'. And in this award, I may possibly be lying, or possibly I'm telling the truth. You never really know, possibly." Bitten was having too much fun with her words. Anyway, she handed (more like tossed) Mizel the award, though he didn't understand its full meaning.

"Yay!" he giggled, and then he ran away.

"And now...for Mal!" Bitten held out 'Most Enlightened'...? Mal came up and was all excited.

"Thanks!" and she hugged Bitten, and took the award, and darted back to her corner next to Aidan.

"Okay, so...now, I'm going to invite Kaden and Kiley up, and they'll do their tap dancing, and then I'll give them their awards." Kaden and Kiley rushed to the stage, and quickly pulled on their shiny shoes. Kiley clicked to one side of the stage; Kaden tapped to the other.

Kiley started them off with six taps, and Kaden followed with eight faster ones, and Kiley ran in two swift taps to a few feet away from Kaden. The 'song' went on for a lot more taps, until finally, Kiley and Kaden took arms and tapped thirty in-sync uber-fast taps and then bowed. "Thank you!" And Bitten handed Kiley 'Best Orange Picker' and Kaden 'Best Consoler for Kiley'.

Kaden gladly took the awards and grinned. Kiley meanwhile giggled at a crack in the stage floor. Bitten shooed them off, and said, "Well, Zbigniew is next," and she held out 'Best Singer'. "I'd almost say you were the best fighter, especially after you threw that chair at a Stue, but I'd have to say that Kyla and her crew were the bravest, going into the heat of the battle with only a few spears! How courageous! So, both of you guys come up."

Znigniew and Kyla made their way up, and both took their respective awards, and then Kyla went down, and Bitten asked Crevan to come up.

"Crevan has been an amazing person. First off, she helped design some of the outfits, she helped a bit with the lighting, and she made mac and cheese for us for a week and a half. She gave Aidan a bagel when he had the flu, she shared her doughnut with Mizel when he was getting teased, she hand-fed Boxy when Hamlet had to leave to pick up costumes, and she also went to the copy store to get copies when our bloody copy machine swallowed the paper. She also beat up a bunch of Stues and Stues, she sang with Zbigniew in a duet, and to top it all off, she helped Ryu when she was pregnant with Willow!"

There was a moment of silence, and then the group cheered excitedly. Crevan blushed, but accepted the award, 'Probably Most Amazing'. Bitten then hugged her. Then Bitten sat down, and the floodlights stared down on Crevan and Zbigniew.

"Hey, everybody, we're going to sing that song we sung in the singing part of the Parvani," Zbigniew said. He cleared his throat. "I can see what's happening," he began.

...a few minutes later...

"Can you feel the love tonight?" Zbigniew's and Crevan's throats stung from singing, but they were almost finished. Their harmonizing hadn't missed a note, and it sounded clear and rung in the ears of their audience. "Can you feel the love tonight!?" they both sounded out as the song changed keys.

"...in short, our pal, is doomed!" As the song drew to a close, Crevan and Zbigniew bowed their heads, and the lights dimmed.

The applause started as they both bowed, and hobbled off the stage.

"Thanks, you guys! That was wondermous!" Bitten said, adding to the applause. "Well, next we'd like to thank Adea, who let us hang at her house, eat her pizza, and breath her balloons. She also let the kiddies play tea with her rhinoceros. In short, she's pretty awesome." Adea tipped her head as Bitten handed her the award.

"'Best Cat Lover'?" she asked, staring at the strange award. The plaque was decorated with a small picture of a cat struggling to be free of a gianourmous cackling blender. "Um...thanks..."

"And we got you a free packet of hot cider!" Bitten grinned and placed the package in Adea's hand. "And I hope you'll be back for MORE!" Adea hopped off the stage, and everybody cheered for her. "Well, now I'd like to invite the Paradise Bird."

The large, gleaming, nearly rainbow-colored bird gracefully leapt down from its nest high above the curtain and swooped down next to Bitten. It bowed, then stared her in the eye.

"Thank you for flying up Will's nose at just the right moment. God sure used you! Thanks. You are an answer to prayer. Thanks, man." The bird nodded. Bitten handed him a package of gummy worms. "Well, since we know you don't have the wall space for a plaque, we got you these: sour gummy worms." The bird gratefully bowed, then clutched the bag in its beak and flew back to its nest. There was another applause. "Well, now we're going to thank Aragorn, Elrond, the hobbits, the dwarves, and all them peasants! You guys were awesome set-makers! I don't know how we would have done it without you. Anyway, here's your prize: a fifteen inch plasma TV! YEAH! Just in case you get bored down in Moria."

Elrond, Aragorn, the hobbits, and the dwarves all came onto the stage, and Bitten held out a huge plaque the size of an elephant. (the TV was currently being watched by the peasants) 'Best Sets' was labeled on the large award. "Thank you everyone, we truly enjoyed it," Aragorn stated, and he bowed courteously.

"Incorrect grammar..." Elrond grumbled, but he was quickly pushed aside.

"Thank you, everyone! We had a blast!" Sam suddenly said, leaping in front.

"Literally..." Kiley whispered to Kaden.

"Thanks, guys." Bitten then booted everyone off the stage. "I hope y'all enjoy your TV." She cleared her throat. "Well, next up...is Tristan!" There were several cheers as Tristan came up.

"Thank you, Bitten," he said, taking the award. "'Calmest Dude'?" he asked, confused.

"Yeah. You were pretty much the calmest one of our entire group." Bitten nodded, then squeezed him into a hug. He pretty much choked, but then she let go. "See you later, man." He nodded, and then went back down. "Okay, next we have Orrick!" Said It came up.

"What did I do?" he asked, taking the award Bitten handed out.

"Well, see for yourself!"

"I win...'Best Cupid-Slayer'?" he cringed at the terrible drawing of himself slaying Cupid.

"Yeah. Pretty much everybody else chickened out, but you were brave and slayed him, even when you got reminded of your girlfriend. I MEAN!" She slapped a hand over her mouth. "Sorry." He nodded, and she slapped him on the back. "Good show, man."

"Thanks." And he headed off stage.

"Well, then we thank all of the other Its, who mostly are on vacation, except Mika. So, your reward is an all-around trip to Fazoli's! All of the Its-" Aidan cringed, and Bitten stopped herself. "-and the half-Its get a trip to Fazoli's! Happy It-Day!"

"Yay!" came the cheer, and Mika came up and took the gianourmous gift card that Bitten now handed to her. "Thankees," said Mika, and she grinned, bowed, and departed.

"Well, I'll say thank you to the bags, but they all had to leave for a Ziploc convention." Bitten nodded solemnly, then set aside a large plastic plaque with the words 'Best Squirrel Impressionists' written on it. "We'll have a moment of silence as well for Landroval, who is now...in a place far away. But, in honor of his great deeds, Hamlet, Boxy, Behrooz, Keanu, and I have prepared a song that he once sung..." Bitten stepped back, and Hamlet carried Boxy up the steps to the stage.

"Thank you, everyone. Behrooz will be playing piano, I will be on the drums, Boxy will be playing the trumpet, and Bitten and Hamlet will surprise you!" Keanu said, setting up the microphones. Cheers arose as Boxy pulled out his trumpet. "Let's a go, old friend," he whispered to Behrooz, and he tapped out the beat with his drumsticks.

Behrooz began, and soon Boxy came in, adding a melody that reached the ceiling in its strong, clear sound.

Bitten appeared, holding her flute. She started in a second, and combined her high notes with the trio.

Hamlet came forward a moment later, holding her cello. She sat down and began playing with the others, not missing a note.

Tears came to Tayten's eyes as she heard the sweet melody that Landroval had sung for her more than a month ago. She clenched her fists, and remembered her last sight of him as he headed towards the high mountains far away, still singing the clear song until it carried past the leagues between him and his home.

Many sobs arose, remembering the past experiences they'd had with Landroval, though very few they were. Tristan remembered Landroval telling him about the huge number of Sues they were to face, though Landroval never seemed fearful, nor nervous, nor bothered, even in the face of the battle. He choked back a tear, remembering how kind Landroval had been, offering his toast when Tristan's became burnt.

The song slowed to a close, and even Hamlet herself, who had not known Landroval nearly as much as the others, was blinking back tears. Bitten bit her lip to stop the sobs, and Behrooz bowed his head. The stage was quickly cleared, and Bitten disappeared behind the stage. Hamlet took instead came forward, holding the awards.

"I am deeply sorry, to all of thee, that Bitten hast had many a painful memory and must retreat behind the standing floor to take upon her wetted nose a dry tissue," she began, and almost everyone lost it straight away.

"She means I remembered something sad about Landroval and had to get a Kleenex," Bitten called from back stage.

"Yes, that ist what I saith...but out of such matters, we have a guest for you! Milandu beeth her name!" Hamlet stepped aside as Milandu came forward.

"Most of you are probably confused about me," Milandu said, "but I will explain. You see, Bitten and I were sort of the same person, but she is nice to her friends yet nasty to strangers," and Bitten suddenly ran back and interrupted.

"And you are polite to strangers and yet you're a beast to your 'friends'," Bitten finished.

Milandu rolled her eyes. "But Bitten kept wanting to escape from her so called 'prison', so we separated, and now you see us separately. It was not exactly our choice to be combined in the first place..." She shook her head.

"Yeah, we were messing with some weird green beetle thing, and suddenly it was like, 'You're combined now,' and all of a sudden I was trying to run from Milandu's horrendous cloak of doom." Hamlet nodded. "But anyway, on to the award!"

"Your glorious shining piece of paper saith 'Best Gerbil-Carekeeper'." Hamlet handed Milandu said plaque, and Milandu smiled.

"Oh, this is because I caught Spice when he was running around, and when I fed Al the monterrey jack and she suddenly loved me, right?" Milandu asked.

"Yeah, pretty much. That was bad when Spice got out, especially since Adea had just come over and she had brought her cat..." The three went suddenly silent. "Yeah."

"Well, thank you." Milandu tipped her head, and took the award and started off.

"Now we would liketh to bring to you my husband and his dear friend whom you may have brushed your teeth with!" Hamlet laughed, and no one knew what she said, except Bitten and Boxy. Boxy came up, bringing with him the Toothpaste. "You, dear sir, have 'Cleanest Teeth'." She handed the Toothpaste the said award, and he hopped away.

"To Boxy, who helped fight many a Sue, and who could stay up all night on a watch, has 'Best Night Watcher/Egg Layer'. You also laid the egg of Paradise, that was pretty helpful in destroying Will." Boxy received the pretty award, and quickly stapled it inside of himself that he might always remember what he had been given. He's pretty sentimental like that. He then flew back to the Toothpaste. "Now, Behrooz," Bitten said, and Behrooz made his way up.

"Thank you," he said, taking the award. 'Best Leader' was written on the front, next to a picture of himself standing in front of a big pulpit. "Um...?"

"You were a good leader when no one else was there to lead, and you helped make our camp a success!" Bitten then smiled, and hugged him. He was drawn aback, and he sort of hugged her back awkwardly. She winked at him as he nodded and went back to his seat.

Bitten turned to Hamlet. "There beeth one last award," Hamlet stated.

"Yep. Hamlet, you were awesome. You encouraged me when I thought I would die, you helped Boxy stay joyous in times of sadness, you helped cook, and you killed like, a thousand Sues! You're awesome." Bitten's eyes grew shiny and full of tears, and she set the award down. "Thanks, bestest buddy," she whispered, hugging Hamlet so tight it would have hurt pretty much anyone else.

"Thank you, Bitten. I love you too." Hamlet squeezed her back, and then they let go.

"Well, for your award! 'Most Peculiar-Yet Awesome!' belongs to you!" Hamlet gladly took the award. "And also...we did this!" Bitten drew back a tarp, and it revealed a beautiful accordion.

Hamlet gasped. "You...you polished...you polished my dear accordion..." Hamlet carefully slid her hand over the keys. "In gratefulness of this gift, I will play you a song!" And she played a striking song, all while singing "I'm dead!" When she was done, Hamlet set the accordion down, and retrieved a small sack. "Thank you, Bitten, as well. You have done much for us. This...this little one has come back." She opened the sack, and out popped, with its small, furry head, delicate, black eyes, and furless, pink nose, came a gerbil. He slowly crawled onto Bitten's hand.

"Spice, you came back. I love you so much," Bitten rubbed her nose against Spice's furless nose, then hugged him lightly.

"Well, on that happy note, that's all of the awards! Hope you enjoyed it all! And there's pizza and soda back behind the stage, so let's all have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!" Crevan exclaimed, and there was one, long, loud applause. Then everyone went to go get food.

...Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!

-Bitten

P.S. Sorry, this wasn't on the full moon, but just pretend I got it out on Christmas Eve!


End file.
